Dreams

Last night, Ray and I dreamed about Maris.

We both had a very hard time waking up this morning.

Black Cat got stranded in the living room last night, and he woke us up some time in the early morning hours. After we fell back asleep, we had lots of dreams.

I did not recall my dreams, other than seeing a brief flash of Maris. The colors were gray, black, and yellow. His hair was longer, and he looked as if he was in his teens. Otherwise I do not remember any details about what was going on, or any conversation.

Ray says he and Maris were in a museum, and it was a pleasant dream.

We were both in a very deep sleep, and had a hard time waking up. Ray overslept, because he had such a hard time waking up.

This was one of those times I really wish we did not have to be dictated to by the alarm clock. Sometimes it is simplymore important to sleep, and allow the dreams to come.

Maris Comes Home The First Time

This picture of Maris was taken right before he came home from the hospital.

He was born on November 16, 1987. I do not remember the due date any more; but I remember that he was supposed to have been a Pisces. Instead he was a Scorpio.

When he was in the intgensive care nursery, he slept a lot. The other preemies seemed to always be awake. But Maris was always asleep. Maybe he missed me, and slept to avoid dealing with it. I came to the hospital to see him every few days, but I was not there every day because Alek was little and we had only one car back then. I should have found a way to be with Maris more. Ray would visit Maris on his way home from work sometimes.

Maris was allowed to come home in January, right before Alek turned three on January 17. He seemed so happy to be home, and he loved to be carried. He weighed only 4 1/2 lb when he came home. He was still one month premature, even though he was 2 months old.

We were so glad when he was finally able to come home. We thought it meant things would finally be normal.

But the hospital insisted we had to keep Maris on an apnea monitor, which would set off an alarm if he ever stopped breathing. The alarm went off constantly because it was overly sensitive. It was horrible. There was no way it could have been comfortable for Maris. During the day, I kept Maris close to me or in an infant carrier so that I did not have to rely on the blasted monitor. I was thrilled when we were finally told we could stop using the darn apnea monitor.

The hospital also insisted we had to give him a medication called Theophylline. He hated it. It was nasty and bitter, and made him throw up. Theophylline was a medication used by people with asthma, to help them keep breathinig. They were afraid he might stop breathing because his lungs were not yet completely matured. Theyt had to do blood tests to make sjure he had the proper theophylline levels. when the levels got too high, he became irritable.

We really did put Maris through so much torment just to keep him alive. To top it off, I accidentally let it slip to his pediatrician that I liked to hold him at night while we both slept. It made him happy, and he slept well.

she told me she hoped I wouldl never do that again, because I could accidentally roll over and suffocate him.

It was a long haul. I know we must have had some happy moments, but some of these horror stories keep going round and round in my mind.

There are so many things I would do differently, if I had a second chance.

Preemie Maris

Maris was born three months early, at 28 weeks gestation.

This picture was taken when he was about a month old....but still 2 months premature. You can see the bandages and a couple tubes. I was not permitted to nirse him because they said he would use more calories to nurse, than he would take in. So they fed him through a little tube that went through his mouth into his tummy.

I felt so sorry that I was unable to nurse Maris. Everything they did to save his life seemed to interfere with our bonding experience. I had nursed both his brothers. I used to pump my milk and bring it to the nursery so they could feed it to Maris through the tiny tubes.

Maris had skin in this picture. When he was born, he was all red because he still did not have all his layers of skin.

He had a perfect Apgar score of 10. He was only about a foot long but I could hear him crying. The doctor was hoping Maris would weigh at least one pound. He weighed 2 lb 12 oz but since much of that was water, he went down to 2 lb.

He looked like E.T. I remember wondering if he would always look like that.

They wrapped him up like a mummy and put on his little hat as soon as he came out into the world, and whisked him off to the intensive care nursery. I only had time to give him a quick kiss before he went. I could see his eyes through the swaddling; they were a bit askew because they had already put in the drops.

When I think of all the totment Maris had to endure just to live, I feel very sad.

I could not be with him every day because for the first week or 2, I tried as much as possible to stay off my feet because I kept bleeding. Finally I had to return to the hospital for a D&C, which finally fixed that problem.

Psychic Attack

Our friend Shelley was sure that Maris had come under "a massive psychic attack." She said when she tried to tune in to him, his soul seemed to be in shreds. She spent a lot of time trying to heal and help his spirit.

Maris was more fragile than people realized. I have no doubt Shelley is right. Maris was vulnerable. He had emotional depths very few people were aware of, and because of his dysthymjia, he did not know how to defend himself. When did the psyhchic attack start? Click on the "Shamanism" label to read Joan's shamanic journey for Maris, and you will see that it could have started hundreds of years ago, and continued to the present day.

In his book Ghosts Among Us, James Van Praagh says the following about psychic attack:

"...If someone sends you negative emotional thoughts...you may feel the effect of such thoughts without realizing the source...if you have not properly protected yourself, the negative thought forms can gradually build up in your mind and body. The results can be detrimental to your well-being and peace of mind. You are under what is referred to as psychic attack....it can be diagnosed by the following symptoms:
--you are easily irritated
--you are ecperiencing bouts of insomnia, depression, or unfounded anger
--you feel overly exhausted and you have continuous thoughts of fear and loss of control.
There is a sense that you are "not yourself" and truthfully, you are not...This energy has seeped into all areas of your being and clouded your judgment. Psychic attack affects every dimension of your life--the emotional, physical, mental and spiritual.

...When we give our energy to others, we have to get it back; otherwise we eventually feel depleted."

A word to the wise. Be careful what thoughts you send out to others. But bottom line is, everyone must protect their own self from what others intentionally or intentionally send your way.

Miscellaneous Feelings and Questions

The last few days have been very rough.

I have lost my greatest treasure. I have failed at what was most important.

I can't begin to describe how much I miss Maris.

There is a huge empty space inside.

I am working on healing the guilt.

Tha anger is harder to deal with. I have a huge amount of anger at the mental health facility where Maris made an appointment on October 22. Why did they let him leave, when he left all the questions about suicide blank?

And of course, the Honolulu Police Department. If they had not been involved, Maris might still be here.

(Of course we would none of us be any the wiser...or would we?...so the ticking bomb might still be there...or maybe not?.....)

We have received so many moving condolences and expressions of grief from people whose lives Maris touched, and who miss him.

But f rom the two guiltiest parties.....who were in the biggest position to help...and who were possibly among the most responsible,...the HPD and the mental health facility...not a single apology...and not a single regret...not even a polite expression of sympathy.

Maris was over 18, so no one was required to call me. But if they had....would it have saved his life?

Guilt

I keep hearing about how bad guilt is.

The book I am reading by James Van Praagh about ghosts says that guilt affects the health of the person experiencing it. But it also has a bad effect on the spirits of our deceased loved ones. It can hold them back from going forward into the light; and is generally distressing to their well being.

This is the best reason for healing my own guilt.

It's not that I don't have lots to feel guilty about. But wallowing in guilt may be harming Maris's spirit.

The Bach Flower Remedy Pine can alleviate guilt.

If I had not reacted to everything over the years with such guilt, it might have been easier to see that Maris had a mental condition that needed to be treated. Maybe I was not the cause of every single difficult day he experienced.

When he came down with an illness, we always reacted appropriately and treated it, or took him to the ER, or whatever was required. How then could we not see that he needed help in other areas?

Well, let's not start all over again with the guilt.

Sharon, our counselor at L.O.S.S., keeps reminding me I am not god....i.e. that if my influence (or lack of) was so powerful, I would be a god).

I maintain I have plenty to feel guilty about. But I realize now that my guilt is not helping Maris, and I need to heal it. Harming my own 2nd and 3rd chakras is the least of my worries.

Forgiving myself may be the most difficult thing I have ever done. But if it helps Maris, and brings him some measure of peace, I will do it.

Suicide Note

Some of Maris's things are missing. The sheath of his knife, also the crock pot lid and liner.....and the suicide note.

We were told there was a suicide note.

The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

I guess i am still in denial. I just can't believe Maris could harm himself. He was so strong. He was such a fighter. Surely this was a wrongful death perpetrated by the Honolulu Police Dept. which they covered up and blamed on him, when it was reallyt their fault.

Some days I think maybe there was some sort of cover operation going on, and they had to stage a very complicated and convincing replica. The body in the coffin was a very skillful replica. Maybe thatg is why the HPD would not allow maris's friends to go to him: because then they would know the truth, they would know it was either a murder or a setup or a fraud.

Some days I think I am losing my mind.

I guess I am still in denial.

When Maris was inelementary school, he had a hard time speaking his thoughts. But he did not write them down, either. His papers were always only a couple of lines long.....except in speech class, where he could actually speak enthusiastically a bout a topic about which he was excited, such as WW2 history or some military thing. The he would momentarily forget his social phobia.

So it seems out of character for him to have written the following note (which we do not have, but which was read to us over the phone by OSI):

"My life was wrong. I wasn't meant for this life. I don't know what I am supposed to learn. Maybe the next one will have a good lesson for me. My mind is terrible. I am evil inside.
Goodbye to my family, I will miss you, all of my friends as well.
No one had any input on my decision to do this by myself, no one is responsible but me.
I am sorry for who this hurts but I am on to my next life now, one of so many before.
Maris Butta"

That is the most he ever wrote in his life. I have not seen the note. OSI assures me it is his writing. I have a hard time believing that. Why was there no date? maybe this details did not occur to him.

The thought crossed my mind that perhaps this not got used over and over. Perhaps Maris was close to the edge often. Perhaps he brought this note out periodically...and at the end of the day maybe he put it away...for next time.

Part of me thinks someone else wrote it. Whoever set this event up. Or maybe it was copied from something on the internet.

I will never know.

I have really lost interest in this life. I want to be with Maris. I want to ask him all these questions in person. I want to hold him and tell him everythinig will be OK.

Moths

They are talking about moths on NPR.

what a horror!

I have a moth phobia. My skin is now crawling. Maybe I should just turn off the radio.

At one point Maris was diagnosed with a social phobia. Is a social phobia like a moth phobia in quality? Do you sweat at the mere thought of having to deal with people?

I used to have that problem. I was terrified of people. People told me I was shy. I think shyness and social phobia are 2 different things.

Mom said I was unkind to people. I just wished people would leave me alone; Is that shyness? or is it social phobia? or is it simply a matter of bad character?

Maybe Maris and I went through life thinking we were bad when we merely had a social phobia.

I kept telling him that what makes a person good or bad is not what goes through their mond, or what they feel, but the choices they make.

If you have a social phobia, or if you have dysthymia, do you really have free will? what can you choose or not choose?

Not sure when I finally overcame my terror of people. Maybe I just got so used to it I stopped thinking about it. I will never be gregarious. But at least I can sort of function around people better than I could when I was a little kid.

And I certainly do wish the best for people. Being terrified of people is not at all the same as wishing them harm.

I have good intentions towards people, and I know Maris did, too.

I am sad that I passed along defective genes to Maris. The last thing I wished for him was to have to go through what I went through growing up. But it was even worse.

Car

Here is Maris's 2001 Toyota Corolla. It was delivered on Saturday, January 30.

The agony never ends.

Crock Pot

Here is Maris's crock pot.

It was in a shipment of his property that arrived on December 30, when I was at the height of the epidemic conjunctivitis and could not see a thing.

I have gione through almost all of his boxes, but I am unable to locate the liner and lid. I really want to be able to use the crock pot, so I will probably buy a liner and lid.

But I keep wondering what happened to the original.

Did he cook something for a pot luck, and transport it in the liner? and did the liner and lid get left behind?

LOSS

The LOSS (Loving Outreach to Survivors of Suicide) Program is a support group for those who are grieving a death by suicide of a family member or close friend.

LOSS offers a safe, non-judgmental place where group members are assisted throughout the grieving process. The support and understanding of the trained clinicians coupled with the knowledge and first-hand experience of veteran LOSS members help survivors to realize that they are not alone, that they are not losing their minds, and that they will not feel this deep intense sadness for the rest of their lives.

We have benefited a lot from the 2 meetings we have attended so far.

TAPS

This website was recommended to us by Mr. Seaney, our casualty assistance officer.

Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors

TAPS is the 24/7 tragedy assistance resource for ANYONE who has suffered the loss of a military loved one, regardless of the relationship to the deceased or the circumstance of the death.

My Prayers These Days

I pray for the 9 (or was it 10) people who might have had a past life with Maris and to whom he owes karmic debts.

The three years demanded by the Angry Man in Joan's shamanic journey is nothing. I would gladly pray for them every day for three lifetimes, as long as it would bring peace,healing, and release to Maris's spirit. (click on the labels for shamanism and shamanic journeys.)

If I am doing the right thing for the wrong reason, so what. I just want there to be a good outcome...for our planet, our universe, and for Maris.

It is all the same thing...isn't it? We are all in this together...and we all need to get out of it in order for the planet to hbe able to evolve.

As long as any one of us is holding on to anger...or refusing to forgive...we will all continue be in hell together...and we will be stuck

Please pray along with me, to whatever divine being you pray to:

May all those whom Maris may have harmed in previous lifetimes be surrounded by countless blessings. May they be happy, healthy, and whole. May all their family and friends be blessed with whatever they need. Especially, I pray for the well-being of the Angry Man and the Medicine Man. May they be filled with Light, in whatever time or place they inhabit...may their hearts be healed. May they radiate compassion to all beings, in all times and places. May they release the bonds they have placed on Maris. May they receive much happiness and all spiritual blessings through releasing these bonds. May the Angry Man and the Medicine Man be filled with the radiance of forgineness. If they have been reborn into this world...who are they? where are they? am I one of them? Then I forgive everyone who has ever harmed or hurt me, including myself. Am I one of them? then I release all anger, bad thoughts, bad feelings, and all other negativity that I have ever felt towards another in every lifetime. Am I one of them? then may I be healed, through and through, may every part of me be healed on every level of being, that my heart may radiate forgiveness, healing, love, and compassion towards all, especially to the soul and spirit of Maris and all his avatars in all times and places. May the soulllll and spirit and being of Maris be surrounded and filled by golden healing light. May he ascend. May he be bathed in golden light within a mandorla of golden light. May he be free. may his soul and spirit be free. May all the souls and spirits of those who he may have hurt lifetimes ago be free. May they be whole, and may all things be well for them. May whatever is shackling him...whether it be of mind, body, soul, or spirit, fall from him, that he may be free in every way. May Maris free himself. May his soul, spirit, and being accept the Light, freedom, and Love that are being sent to him. May he receive freedom and release from whatever thoughts, entities, or vibrations are holding him back. May he accept all the many blessings that are being senbt his way. May he release his despair. May he allow these prayers and blessings to surround and fill him. May the Angry man and the Medicine Man allow these prayers and blessings to come to Maris. May Maris be in a halo, a mandorla of light. May Maris be surrounded with healing and guidance from his ancestors and other enlightened beings who can heal and help him. May all that holds Maris back be healed and released as well, along with that from which it emanates. May we all be healed and may we all be free.

Please add your prayers to mine, that Maris may be healed and released from whatever holds him back. May all that is holding him back be released and healed as well. May Maris be reborn into much happier conditions; and may he be free of destructive patterns that may have held him back through many lifetimes.

Where Am I?

it has been a few months...more than three...since we lost our dearest son Maris.

it has been the longest three months of my life.

I am starting to suspect this is that place they told us about when we were growing up, where very bad people go to be tormented. My life has become Hell.

I have an extremely hard time believing that if you find yourself in Hell, and if you are willing to make changes, and pray, that you will have to stay there for eternity. For a few lifetimes, maybe, but not for all eternity.

If this is Hell, I will do my best to get myself out of here, and rescue as many others as possible

Three months can seem like an eternity.