Maris's Birthday 2010

Some of Maris's best friends came over on the weekend before his birthday.  We lit candles on Maris's birthday cake, and sang "Happy Birthday" to him.

We talked about what the last year had brought to us.

A lot of really fun craziness had always taken place at Maris's birthday parties.  So after a while we went in the back yard and lit some firecrackers in his honor.

We talked for a while longer.  It was a sSunday night.  But I was grateful beyonnd words that this gathering had taken place.  Special thanks to Peter Carparrelli for organizing it.

You guys are all very precious to me.  You were special to Maris, and so you are special to me too,

Thank you for being part of Maris's life.

See you all again next year! 

November 16, 2010

We have been attending L.O.S.S. support group meeting s on LaSalle St. the 3rd Tuesday of every month.  It turned out that Maris's birthday fell on this particular Tuesday.  I was grateful we had an opportunity to be with people who would understand on this special day.  We brought a birthday cake to the meeting, and asked the people to gather round the cake.  We gave each person a candle,. and asked them to make a wish and light the candle for Maris and add it to the cake.

Visit From Dan and Jeff

Two of Maris's dearest friends stopped by to visit on Sunday January 9.  Dan was home on leave.  He had not been able to attend Maris's birthday party in November.   We are so grateful for these special people, who treasure Maris's memory along with us.

Sylvia Browne

I am reading Psychic: My Life in Two Worlds, by Sylvia Browne.

I came across the following:

please do as Sylvia says.  Of course we have no knowledge that comes from direct experience of the Spirit World.  But in case there really is a Holding Place, please pray every day for these sous.  It sounds as if prayers, positive energy, and healing can help them.  Let's all do this unceasingly.

Post Thanksgiving

Several times in November I have had people ask me how my Thanksgiving went. when I rolled my eyes and said, "It was OK" they quickly became serious and said, "I know..."

I am beginning to realize people think holidays make me suffer.

They don't get it.

They don't realize that l suffer every moment and the holidays are no worse than any other moment. Getting thrrough Thanksgiving without Maris was not nearly as bad as waking up every morning and realizing all over again he is not here any more.

Some people whose children died, or have taken their own lives, tell me the holidays are the worst.

I must disagree. The holidays are not the worst. Morning is the worst. That first awful realization. Then I start with the prayers, the recalling of wisdom, the stepping back from the flow of my thoughts. I go over what I need to do this new day. and eventually the ache of loss goes underground. It never subsides, or goes away. But it does go underground so I can function. Later, it will re-emerge, so that I can deal with it on my own time.

People need to stop inviting me out at the holidays because they assume i am suffering worse on those days. They do not realize how healing and joyful it is to cook a holiday dinner, and that it would be such a gift to allow me to do that.

I feel irritated when people assume my Thanksgiving was not so great because I am mourning Maris more on that day. I mourn Maris every minute of every day. If I seem to mourn him more on some days, that is because there is some kind of mysterious cycle in which I move. It is a cycle of waxing and waning. This cycle is not officially noted on the calendar. It comes from something else.

I am starting to wonder if what people are doing is pitying me; and no one appreciates pity. They do not realize the tremendous amount of inner, spiritual work I have done this year; and that does nto deserve pity.

Maybe my Thanksgiving was not so great because I was sitting there like a useless slug instead of having fun cooking a Thanksgiving meal, and being surrounded by friends I don't often get to relax with, along with family.

I have started telling people I miss Maris every minute of every day, not just on Thanksgiving, and not more on holidays. I am trying to get them to strop making assumptions.

I am grateful for the holidays, because they allow me to remember happy times with Maris.

Maris is part of me, and part of my life. Therefore, please let me live! encourage me to be active, and to enjoy life, and to think about Maris in a good way!...Let me have fun celebrating holidays in my own way, and come celebrate them with me...and above all, do nto pity me!!

I must rremember to step back from these feelings of resentment, and remind myself "I am not what I think."

Maybe next Thanksgiving...next holiday...will be different.

Thanksgiving Day 2010, cont'd

I continue to be thankful for Maris, and that he is part of our family.

He was a great mystery to me, from the earliest moment. A nurse at Columbus Hospital, where maris was born, told me he would be s ource of healing for me.

I think there are deep and mysterious things within me that need enormous healing. Maris could find no other way to help me heal other than through the drastic method he chose.

I think back on my extreme ignorance about suicide and depression. I was so abysmally ignorant, I was too stupid to even be worried about Maris. I mistakenly thought my goal was to keep him alive until he got past the rebellious teen years, then everything would be OK.

I look back now on the many years during which I now realize how deeply he was suffering, and I feel like collapsing at the thought of my profound negligence. I have been shocked into realizing what the disease of depression really is. I now know that people die of depression.

Now, when people tell me about their children and family members who are despondent or depressed, I tell them to take this very seriously. Sometimes patrons who come in to the library to check out books about depression behave apologetically, as if checking these books out is something they are ashamed of. Sometimes they tell me aboput their loved ones, who are going through something. i always tell them it is so wonderful they are doing this for their loved one. Privately, I think they are telling me about their loved one so I won't think they are really the one who is depressed...as if this were something wrong.

Other people tell me how grateful they are for tidbits of knowledge of depression I shared with them...for example, depression never goes away. Be happy for your loved one when they are doing well. But be ever vigilant. The depression has not gone away, and it never will. It can turn suicidal at any moment. This is not being negative. This is being realistic. People thank me for telling them this, and say they will never forget these words, as it could save their loved one's life some day.

For this I am grateful.

I am grateful that Maris might be helping others in this way, through me...even though I wish it did not have to come about in this way.

I am grateful to Maris for everything he has taught me. I wish I could have learned it a different way. I am desperately sorry that maris's lifer was so short. But life is a Mystery, and the measurable things about life may not be the most important things about it to God, the Great Mystery.

I will always love you, Maris, and I will always be grateful for you.

Thanksgiving Day 2010

I spent so much time typing out the following prayer / blessing on Thanksgiving that I ended up not having enough time to blog. I emailed it to some friends and family members. But I want now to share it with everyone here who loves Maris:

thanksgiving contemplation by Gary Snyder (based on a Mohawk prayer):

"Gratitude to Mother Earth, sailing through night and day--
and to her soil: rich, rare, and sweet
in our minds so be it.

Gratitude to Plants, the sun-facing light-changing leaf
and fine root-hairs, standing still through wind
and rain, their dance in the flowing spiral grain
in our minds, so be it

Gratitude to Air, bearing the silent Swift and the silent
Owl at dawn. Breath of our song
clear spirit breeze
in our minds so be it

Gratitude to Wild Beings, our broythers, teaching secrets,
freedoms, and ways; who share with us their milk,
self-complete, brave, and aware
in our minds so be it

Gratitude to Water: clouds, lakes, rivers, glaciers,
holding or releasing, streaming through all
our bodies' salty seas
in our minds so be it

Gratitude to the Sun: blinding pulsing light through
trunks of trees, through mists, warming caves where
bears and snakes sleep--he who wakes us--
in our minds so be it

Gratitude to the Great Sky
who holds billions of stars--and goes yet beyond that--
beyond all powers, and thoughts
and yet is within us--
Grandfather Space.
The Mind is his Wife.

so be it."

Rose Edwards

I received the following news in my email yesterday:

"

Our Dearest Friend Rose Edwards crossed the threshold this last Sunday, November 14th, around 5:00pm in the evening.

Rose was a long term and very dedicated anthroposophist. She served on the Rudolf Steiner Branch Council for many years and was president for eight years. She was also a holder of the First Class of the Free School of Spiritual Science. Rose's passing is indeed a very great loss for all Members and Friends of the Anthroposophical Society.

Although Rose requested that an organized three-day vigil not be asked of the community, a closed casket with her body was taken to the Christian Community last evening. You are welcome to sit and read or pray with Rose. The Christian Community is at 2135 W. Wilson.

Gordon has requested that there be no flowers.

Visitation:

The church will be open form 5:00 am Wednesday morning until 1:00 am

Thursday morning, and from 5:00 am Thursday morning until 8:00 am.

You are welcome to sit with Rose at any time during these hours.

The funeral service for Rose Edwards has been scheduled for this Thursday afternoon, November 18^th at 3:45pm at the Christian Community Church at 2135 W. Wilson.

A Memorial Reception will take place after the service at the Germania Club

108 West Germania Place. You are cordially invited to share your memories

and stories of Rose. Light refreshments will be served.

There will be complimentary parking in the garage adjacent to the Germania Place building. If you are planning to attend the Memorial Reception, do not be concerned about parking when you arrive at the building. There will be someone there to direct you where to park."

This morning ws my last chance to attend the visitation for Rose. I was home from work today, so I was able to easily go.

I have known Rose since the year our family first participated in the Easter morning sunrise vigil at the shore of Lake Michigan.

Rose was for many years the heart of the Anthroposophical community in Chicago. She and her husband Gordon were among the hardy group of Anthroposophists who met by the lake in the darkest part of the night to wait for sunrise.

there is something about being out in the world at that moment in the daily cycle when human energy level and frequency is at lowest tide. It is the darkest part of the night. This is where we start out from when we wait for sunrise on Easter Sunday Morning.

We start in total darkness, When our psychic energy is this low, it can feel like despair. It is a phenomenon that occurs during this deepest darkness of the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual world that makes me experience a moment of doubt and even panic regarding sunrise. Perhaps the sun will not rise. Perhaps my memory of daylight is not memory, but delusion.

Following this interval of doubt and panic, despair sets in. There is nothing now to do but wait and watch.

After a period of time...which always seems endless...we begin to be able to distinguish not just total unbroken darkness...but we think perhaps we see the outline of water meeting sand. Then we hear a bird.

And then little by little the world comes to life, and emerges from darkness...the waves get louder, the wind dets stronger, the birds swoop more and more energetically, the sky gets brighter and brighter in one spot until a single point of intensely golden light bursts into flame on the horizon, and rushes swiftly in a ray that shoots across the lake directly into our eyes.

The sun has risen, and it is Easter, we have been rescued from our momentary doubt and despair which had seemed infinite, and our beings are filled with light.

This experience was s gift from Rose to our family. I have a special memory of Maris and his brothers running all over the beach at sunrise hunting for goddess stones. That year they found a good many goddess stones, and they gave some of them to Rose. It was a perfect sunny morning, the lake glittered with countless specks of golden light as the sun bounded into the sky. We went to John Stolfo's studio on Loyola Ave. while Rose went to fetch breakfast, which was warm, rich, fragrant cinnamon rolls from Anne Sather's wonderful restaurant.

This is a happy memory, that inbcludes both Rose and Maris.

When I arrived at the church this morning and went downstairs to be with Rose one last time, there was a lady silently reading in the room . I put my hand on the silk-draped casket and silently communed with Rose for a few minutes, telling her how much i revered her, and thanking her for her kindness, inspiration, and wisdom; and that our paths had crossed in this lifetime.

As I walked around the room later, looking at the mementos and pictures that were there, the lady (named Mary) encouraged me to sit and look at a photo album.

There followed the best Anthroposophical conversation I have had in a long, long time. It was nourishment my soul had been craving; and it was a gift from Rose. It could not have happened without her bringing me there to that place at that time. Steiner encouraged renewal and freedom of the human spirit.

I tend to blame myself for everything whether it is my fault or not, and sometimes it is hard to tell which. I have felt guilty at times for not being more involved with the church and the Steiner branch.

Mary pointed out that Steiner provided guidance for people in various realms such as medicine, architecture, the arts, and religion. But he expected us to be our own doctor, our own priest. The church is there for people who want and need a church.

Hearing this put into words nearly brought tears of joy and relief. When you are filled enormous self-doubt and confusion, you can feel guilt at not being made another way. You feel shame at not being like most other people. You do not trust the truth that fills your own heart, and sometimes you turn away from it.

Mary and I talked about Maris, and she encouraged me to read Steiner's writings about suicide. She also encouraged me to immerse myself in happy thoughts and memories of Maris as that would enable his spirit to escape from the downward pull of remorse, guilt, and other heavy emotions fwkt by the survivors that can entrap spirits and keep them from moving on.

Sitting with our loved ones who have passed on, reading inspirational things to them, and having conversations about them, help their spirits to release from all their various bodies.

Our conversation, which was about Rose and the positive ways in which she had influenced our lives, also involved Maris; and it helped both of them. It allowed Rose to continue being a blessing to humanity, especially now that she can do it on a higher level. I believe this conversation between Mary and myself, which involved and included Rose, was very good for maris as well.

Steiner wrote a lot about our connection with the dead. I recently bought a book by him, called Staying Connected but have not yet finished reading it. Mary told me about another one called The Dead Are With Us. There are so many more...Between Death and Rebirth, and so on.
"So many books, so little time!"

When I left, I spoke aloud to Rose, thanking her once more for bringing inspiration and guidance to my life through our brief encounters. I thanked her for this special morning, and the good thoughts that would revive my life. I thanked her for her kindness to Maris, and for the blessing that his soul will always carry. And i asked her to say hello to him for me, and to look after him in the spirit world.

Thank you for everything, Rose, Please look after Maris.

Truth

"My motto: When in doubt, take a deep breath and just tell the truth." -- Sylvia Browne: Psychic: My Life In Two Worlds. c2010.

People I Heard From Today

Geetanjali called to say she is remembering Maris.

The Air Force Office of Special Investigations called to say they received my FOIA request for the case file, which just arrived in their office yesterday. They say it willl be coming to us soon.

2010 Birthday Party

Thank you so much to Peter, who got the ball rolling with Maris's birthday celebration.

Maris's annual birthday party was an event everyone looked forward to. There were a few years where it was not so well attanded...such as the year we had the party at a bowling alley on Western Ave....but most years it was a lot of fun.

It is hard NOT doing a party for Maris. Last year Ray and i felt so burned out by the time we got back from Hawaii on November 8 that we could not seem to make the mental effort required to pick up the phone or send a few emails to organize it. And it did not feel right. We realized we had let Maris down, we had let his friends down, and we had let ourselves down. It was not good. and it will not happen again.

This year, Maris's birthday celebration took place on November 14, the Sunday Before his birthday.

We ordered a stadium size pizza, bought some raw veggies to snack on, and a tiramisu birthday cake. We were not sure who would be there besides Peter, who was rounding people up, and Jeff, who said he would be there.

We were awed and amazed at everyone who came.

Sorry, guys, there will be more and better food next year.

Everyone lit a birthday candle for Maris and added it to the cake. Then we sang, made a wish or said a prayer dor Maris, and blew out the candles.

We visited for a while, and set off firecrackers.

I took pictures, which i will upload soon.

I do not want to leave anyone out, so i will not depend on my faulty memory for the names. I will check the list later, and be able to thank everyone by name. But I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for attending. It meant so much to Ray and me to continue our connection with you. You are part of Maris, and he is part of you.

Maris had faithful friends who still think of him. He was cared about. He meant a lot to people.

He still does.

Happy Birthday, Maris: November 16, 2010

Dear Maris,

You were born into my life on November 16, 1987. You were born into the next life on October 26, 2009. I did not spend as much time with you as I wanted. My life will never be the same again. I am no longer afraid of dying. I miss you. I am trying to think only of the love.

I am sorry I have not done much blogging lately. That is mainly because my thoughts have become so repetitious, which makes for monotonous reading (and writing.) When I finish getting caught up doing laundry, paying bills, and organizing the office, I will have time to go back to scanning your pictures and telling the stories that go with each one.

I miss you so much, and I will love you forever.

November 16

November 16, 1987 was the day Maris was born into this world and into our lives.

November 16, 2008 was Maris's 21st birthday. He came home to celebrate celebrate his birthday and Thanksgiving with us. It was such a happy time. We all had so very much to be grateful for.

November 16, 2009 was a very difficult day to get through. I chose not to go to work that day. I stayed home and cried and prayed all day. We had talked about having an annual Maris Butta Birthday Party, but Ray and I had just come back from Oahu a couple days before, and we did not think we could pull it off. It was not fair to Maris or his friends, but our strength failed us.

This year, thanks to Maris's friend Peter, we have planned for Maris's annual birthday party. It is scheduled for Sunday, November 14.

November 16, 2010 is the date of this month's LOSS meeting. I was planning to start attending the board meetings of the Glenview History Center this month; but since November 16 is the day they meet this month, I do not think I can attend. And on the 3rd Tuesday of December, I will be celebrating the Winter Solstice with our circle.

On November 16, 2010 I am instead planning to attend the LOSS meeting, and will bring a birthday cake for Maris. I will ask everyone to light a candle for him , and to make a wish or say a prayer for him.

Maybe in January 2011 I will be able to start attending the Glenview History Center meetings. January will mark the start of a new year, and perhaps it will move all these special dates into a new day of the week and start a new cycle for us.

September 11

September 11, 1893 is my grandmother Apolonia's birthday. She would have been 117 years old this year.

September 11, 2001 is the date of the 9/11 Attacks. It was also the date my mother had surgery for a broken hip, an accident that proved fatal for her.

September 11, 2010 is the date Maris's military obligation would have expired., and he would have been headed home.