Meteorites

Maris loved meteorites.

We are not sure yet where the meteorite is that he ordered from United Nuclear. We hope it will be somewhere in the shipment of his personal property that we will receive on December 30.

We want to be able to add it to the shrine we have made for him.

Advent Prayer

I received this prayer from my dear friend Therese. We have included it in our Advent observance this year, and plan to make it part of our annual Advent observance:

Holy God of Advent, you became weak so we could find strength in moments of heartbreak; you left the safety of heaven to wander the wilderness of the world, holding our hands when we feel so hopeless; you set aside your glory to hold our pain so we might be healed, even when there seems to be no hope; you became one of us, so we could never be alone in any moment, in any circumstance.

Come now, Child of Bethlehem, to strengthen us in these days. May we feel your presence in a way we have never known, not just as One born in a stable long ago and far away, but as One born in our hearts, in our hopes, in our spirits, in our weakness.

You have promised to go before us: into our brokenness, into hospital rooms, into empty houses, into graveyards, into our future held by our God, and you are here, even now, waiting for each of us: to serve us, to hold us, to comfort us, to live in us, now and forever. amen.

Christmas?

It really does not seem like Christmas this year. This is December 22. Maris would have been home for 5 days by now.

I never stop thinking about him. He is the first thing I think about every morning and the last thing I think about every night.

It is a beautiful winter wonderland out there this morning...but all I can think about is how Maris would have enjoyed this weather.

Wiliwilinui Ridge

Here is another video he made while hiking Wiliwilinui Ridge

Bowman Trail

Maris loved hiking.

Bowman Trail was one of his favorites.

Falling Through the Cracks

Why was Maris so good at falling through the cracks?

He was quiet and did not talk much. He did not react to things in an obvious way. He seldom asked for anything.

People took advantage of the way he was.

The loud disruptive kids got all the attention.

In 8th grade, every time Maris did somethjing that his teachers found disturbing, such as carving messages into his skin, his psychiatrist would increase the dosage of the Zoloft he had been prescribed. Maris did not open up. so they increased his meds.

Why did everyone do this to him? Maybe Joan is right. Maybe there has been a curse on Maris all along.

...and if Maris had survived the HPD...

...would I be any wiser? or would I still be blundering in the dark, assuming everything was OK, as i had for the 22 previous years? would we all blithely continue on our merrym unawakened ways, never knowing how close we had come to the abyss?

or...

would I actually go on to heal that tiny baby in the neonatal intensive care nursery as i had been told to do by the whisperings in my mind?

is the Abyss, in some way, essential to our awakening?

Unfortunately we went into it and never emerged..

Some people go into a metaphysical abyss. Others go into an emotional or mental or spiritual abyss. Some go into all four.

Some lucky people, like James Joyce, the author of Araby, have epiphanies before the abyss can swallow them.

HPD

I awaken every morning thinking that I have just had the worst nightmare of my life, and that I can finally wake up.

But then a feeling of deep grief and horror flood through me, and I realize this is a nightmare from which I can't awaken.

My grief turns to rage when I think of the Honolulu Police Department.

They were called to do a rescue, but instead they caused a death.

The OSI investigation is still going on, and I do not yet have complete reliable data that I can post.

Maris seemed to be having some sort of crisis...possibly psychotic. But what caused it? medication that makes people suicidal? alcohol? a traumatic event? massive psychic attack?

So here is all I know:
Maris came back from a hike on Thursday, seemed OK on Friday and Saturday, but something very very bad happened on Sunday. His friends got worried because he was texting rather than telephoning, and the quality of the messages was disturbing. They saw him at dinner. He was unusually quiet. They saw him texting a message to Philip. He went home. There were worrisomne text messages. Maris went to the airport. The friends called the Master Sgt, who called 911.

( I will blog separately about the FOID card, the mental health clinic, and my own interaction with the HPD, as well as bad incidents in 2001 - 2002 involving the Chicago Police. Suffice it to say that to Maris, police are really Bad Medicine.)

The friends tried to do a rescue. Maris told them where he was. He had been there for a while...doing what? gazing up at the stars? waiting for the friends? trying to feel better? He had his knife, just as he had in 2000 / 2001. Knives gave him a sense of comfort and protection. The police came. They saw Maris near the embankment at the top level of the airport parking structure. A police officer asked Maris to step away from the embankment. He asked what Maris was holding. Maris dropped the knife. He said "Nothing." A car came up the ramp. The officer looked towards the car to see who it was...another police officer? an ordinary citizen looking for a parking spot?

When he looked back Maris was gone.

My gut is telling me this is a lie. There is more to the story. But what?

Is there anyone besides myself who thinks that if the police had not come...or if they had allowed the friends to go to Maris...or if they had been better trained...or if they were less arrogant...or more sincere and compassionate....if only one little thing had been different....that Maris might have survived?

Fact: the HPD does not like the military stationed near Honolulu.

The police prevented the friends from entering the parking structure. At what point did thie interference occur?

If the police prevented the friends from going to Maris while he was still alive, then the police caused Maris's death.

That is why it is so crucial to know the exact time each of these events occurred. Can we count on the HPD to be honest about that?

Bringing suit against the HPD will not bring Maris back...and it will take money away from a possible suicide prevention training program that the HPD desperately need to take. ...but do they know how badly they need one?

Are they familiar with the words "Serve and Protect?" my own interpretation of those words might be different than theirs.

Would a lawsuit bring about their awakening? would it make them less arrogant, resentful, narrowminded, and lazy? would it make them a more efficient, more sincere, more caring and compassionate police department? Would it make them hate the military any less?

Their customer service is the worst anywhere.

Would a lawsuit make them...dare i say...less evil?

What would make them less evil? What would make them less wicked?

What would make them sorry for what they have done?

Whatever that is, that is what they need. It will not bring Maris back...but perhaps it might save someone else's life.

May Ma'at bring what they need. May Ma'at bring what we all need. May Ma'at reveal the truth.

Log Cabin Quilt

I so wanted to make a quilt for Maris. I wanted to wrap him in love, so that he would feel cozy and secure.

I managed to make a quilt for Philip because he was a young kid and he kept after me about it. But Alek is still waiting for his quilt, and so is Maris.

I took Maris to the Quilter's Palette Shop to look at fabric. I was pretty sure he would want prints in shades of warm gray, black, and white, with maybe some olice green tossed in. But he also liked red.

There was a beautiful fabric in shades of gray that he liked because it looked like smoke.

We decided the Log Cabin block would be perfect for Maris, because at the center of each block is a square of red that represents the fire on the hearth of the log cabin. Maris liked fire, and at one time walked about wanting to be a fireman or, when he got older, of majoring in fire science and technology. He was really hoping the Air Force would have wanted him to be a fireman, but they had enough firemen.

Because Maris was so interested in the Underground Railroad, I planned to make one o the squares with a black square for the hearth (which meant the house owning that quilt was a stop on tne Underground Railroad). Maris was very compassionate towards people who were worse off thanhimself, and I wanted the quilt to symbolize that people would always have a safe haven with Maris.

We went home to measure his bed, to see how much fabric we would need; and also to choose some log cabin patters from my books. When I went back to buy it a few weeks later, the shop had gone out of business.

I did not get my act together to locate another quilt store. It seemed as if there was never enough time to travel the distance to other quilt shps, that were further away.

I stupidly thought I had plenty of time to make the quilt.

Yet another disappointment.

Do not ever put anything off for the future!!

Stoic Warriors

I bought this book for the library where I work, and thought Maris might like to read it so I checked it out for him.

When I first read a review of the book, I had a wave of emotion come over me...as it does whenever I realize a deep truth. I realized that in addition to whatever else Maris might be, he was certainly stoical. Perhaps he did not intend to be that way, but he was that.

An interesting discussion with the author of this book includes the following: "Some have argued that there is a growing gap between the culture of military service and its ethos of service before self, and our civilian culture, which focuses on individual flourishing and material self-interest. In an age of increasing professionalization and privatization of the military, this seems an inescapable question for us today. "

I often feel as if I do not belong in this world, and I know Maris felt the same way.

He was a lot more courageous and honest than I am.

Hints From the Cosmos?

I have asked myself ten thousand times, "How could I not have known?"

About a year ago, or less, I started hearing a new script in my head. It said, "Heal the tiny baby that was Maris."

I did start to work on this. But I thought I had more time.

I began to visualize the tiny lonely baby in the intensive care nursery, who used to sleep all the time. I saw myself going there at all hours of the day and night, I saw myself sitting there holding him 24/7. I began to tell him over and over how much I loved him. I replayed all the difficult and upsetting teenage and grade school incidents, and sent healing light to them.

This might be considered healing on the spiritual level...perhaps. but it did not touch the emotional, physical, or mental levels.

It did not occur to me to talk to Maris about finding healing for himself related to the tiny baby he used to be, who endured so much pain in the neonatal nursery. If I had had a serious talk with him about all the different kinds of pain he endured over the years, perhaps he might have sought help sooner. Perhaps he would not have internalized everything as much.

My birthday and Christmas presents to him were going to be another soul retrieval from Joan, and another past life regression from Susan Wiseheart or maybe someone else.

The next time I get this kind of message from the cosmos, my angels, or my guides, I will act on it immediately and all at once.

I will not assume I have all the time in the world to accomplish this, and that I can do it when it is convenient for me.

Seven Promises

I came across these Seven Promises of the Most Holy Mother of God to St. Bridget.

One promise for each sorrow, one promise for each sword.

Pieta

I wonder if she ever felt guilty for bringing Him into the world. Did she have any idea of what He would go through? She had been told seven swords would pierce her heart; but not what they were.

The difference between us is the She is the best mother in the world, and I am the worst.

It is so hard knowing what The Plan is. We can never know, because of our puny, limited human consciousness. We can just have faith that there is one. But having that faith makes the pain any less.

Before my spirit and Maris's spirits were incarnated, did we agree this would happen? or did this life go terrible wrong for both of us? What were we supposed to get out of this experience?

I have sometimes told my kids that each hard thing you go through makes you stronger and prepares you for the next even harder thing.

How much do we have to endure before we are released from this world?

December 16

Maris was supposed to come home on leave today.

A few months ago he told us his leave had been approved. We were so looking forward to seeing him.

The last time he came home was November of 2008, for his 21st birthday and Thanksgiving. We had no idea we would never see him alive again.

I am so grateful his brothers had a chance to spend that time with him.

Alek had been disappointed that progress was slow regarding his transition into the Marines.

I told Alek whatever happened was for the best. He could not understand that. I told him it was a good thing he could be at home to spend some extra time with Maris, and maybe that is why things worked out for Alek as they had.