Coca Cola Museum

I took Maris with me to Atlanta GA in 2002, when I attended the ALA Conference.

2001-2002 had been a rough year for Maris, and I wanted to so something fun for him. He had never flown in an airplane before, so I thought he might enjoy going to Atlanta

I made reservations at the Peachtree Hilton, because it was the tallest hotel in the U.S.. But then I chickened out and made reservations at the Sheraton instead, because I kept worrying an airplane might fly into the Hilton. It was less than a year after 9/11, and I was still freaked out over that. Maris must have been disappointed, because he had been looking forward to spending lots of time gazing out over Atlanta from the top floor of the Hilton. I guess that is what Mary means when she says I hurt my kids by over-protecting them.

I made maris pack his trunks, so that he could swim while i attended the conference. I also thought he might go exploring, so we invested in some cell phones so we could keep track of each other.

We originally planned to drive, and I wanted the whole family to come. We were going to visit the Centers for Disease Control, which was something else Maris was really interested in...but it was another disappointment for him when Ray and Philip decided to stay home. He ended up watching movies and playing video games, and did nto swim.

We had planned on visiting a plantation, but the tour was canceled due to lack of interest...one more disappointment. But we did visit the home of Margaret Mitchell, which allowed us to experience the MARTA subway train. And we visited the World of Coca Cola, which was really fun. The most interesting part was a soda fountain that featured all the exotic flavors of Coke that are marketed in foreign countries. We got to try Coke flacored with leechee juice, and other varieties that are popular in other countries.

Pisces New Moon Day, 2010

We have been working hard on re-arranging our rooms. We moved our shrine / meditation room / temple to a bigger, nicer room in the basement...and turned the former shrine (which we outgrew years ago) into an office.

I have been hauling boxes out of the basement all day, in order to prepare the new room for dedication tonight. The basement has been a dismal, discouraging and overwhelmingly chaotic mess since a flood 2 or 3 years ago forced us to frantically toss boxes onto tables and chairs to keep them above water level. Some of the boxes broke because their bottoms had gotten so soggy. What a nightmare!! The contents of the boxes became hoopelessly mixed up.

I do not know how this picture happened to be in the basement all by itself, because I have always kept the kids' pictures safely put away. I have no idea what year he drew it. It was crumpled and wrinkled, and did not scan that well. But I am so grateful to have it. It is a precious message from Maris.

Perhaps it was a symbolic fireplace for the secret hiding place they had in the basement when they were little. But it seems to me as if Maris is letting me know he is participating in spirit in the dedication of our new spiritual hearth, and doing whatever he can to help us along with this project.

I miss you so much, Maris, and I will love you throughout all your lifetimes, no matter who or what you are.

What Is Left

All that is left is deep, deep sorrow....knowing you will never again, with mortal eyes, see this person who was such a special soul and such a special being...who was so sensitive...so intelligent...so intellectually curious...so witty in an acerbic way...so funny...so original...so careful...so serious...so patient...so loyal...so compassionate...so helpful.

All these things, and more, were behind the prison of the social phobia and the depression.

Such a brave and courageous soul, who struggled so valiantly with such heavy burdens, and for so long. One day it all just got to be too much.

Behind the guilt...the regret...the sense of failure....the feeling of wrongness and unfairness...there is a deep, deep, deep sorrow, as deep as the oceans of space.

I miss him so much.

Darkness Visible

I just finished reading Darkness Visible: a Memoir of Madness by William Styron.

It is a quick read. Lycky for Styron he was taken to a hospital before he ended his life, because he was making plans in that direction.

It only gradually dawned on him what his problem was. It seemed to take him a long time to deeduce it objectively. His shrink sounds pill-oriented, and did not come across as very dedicated or caring or even very bright.

As Styron is a good writer, it was interesting to read his description of deprerssion and suicidal thoughts.

I seem to be reading exclusively this kind of thing these days. I compare different writers' descriptions because I hope in this way to derive a composite image that might help me understand. Each book I have read so far adds another piece to the puzzle.

But I am still at the stage where I am sorting the puzzle pieces by color and shape. And I have no idea what the picture even is.

It sounds as if Styron's issues were worsened by having the wrong prescription. And beinig in the hospital made him feel more peaceful and secure, which also helped his state of mind. So of course he thinks highly of this approach. And he had nothing else standing in the way of his from taking this approach.

Lucky for him.

I have not read anything else by Styron, but I have seen the movie Sophie's Choice, which was omne of the most disturbing movies I have seen, and so agonizing to watch that I am not sure I have the strength to read anything more by him.

Thinking of having to be Sophie is possibly the closest one can come to the feeling of what depression might feel like: It is a description of a very cruel and evil universe. I am happy for Styron that he began to feel better,

Rebirth

Maris will be reborn some day. Sooner or later.

He may come back as male or female. He may come back as my child again...or my parent...or my sibling...or my friend...or my neighbor...or my teacher....anyone.

He may come back in shackles again.

This is enough to make me more aware. Every person with whom I might interact from now on might be maris reborn.

If he is again shackled in some way, the shackles will be an opportunity to offer him total love and total compassion.

I may not recognize Maris in his new form. He may not even be reborn again during my lifetime. It does not matter. I will continue to see and honor Maris in everyone I meet, just as La Befana saw and honored the Chnist Child in everyone she met.

Healing

One of the nurses who took care of Maris in the intensive care neonatal nursery was Native American, and really devoted to her traditional wisdom. She encouraged me to use my Rescue Remedy on Maris when he was under the bili lights in the warming box. When she sensed how inadequate I felt caring for him ,and wondering what he needed from me, she said Maris would be source of healing for me.

When I remember that, it reminds me I need to embrace everything about Maris, including all his choices for himself. Maris's heart and soul were very wise. Perhaps through many lifetimes, he had chosen a difficult path not understood by many, which was intended to awaken them. The purppose of The Way of the Cross is to bring enlightenment (salvation) through suffering. It is possible that Maris suffered through many of his lifetimes.

Sometimes the most powerful medicine is the bitterest.

It is strong and powerful, and the flavor lets us know: "heads up, here I come!" get ready to be healed.

Did Maris suffer to redeem himself? or to redeem the rest of us?

If we did not recognize and accept the tresure he offered us while he was alive, he will continue to help us from the spirit world; and we need to accept the gift now.

I spent all of November and December wanting to be with Maris. I will get my wish sooner or later, when the time is right.

If Maris had not left us the way he did, we would be none the wiser. We would have breathed sighs of relief, thinking we were off the hook and he had solved all his problems. We would continue to walk in ignorance telling ourselves all was well. We would have continued to be rewarded for living in unconsciousness and illusion. When Maris left this world, even if the healing and the awakening had not taken place by then, they are certainly happening now...at least for me.

Sometimes it takes an enormous wake up call of this nature....people have to lose their dearest treasure before they stiop loiving in denial and start healing themselves.

Maris had to do this for us any way he could.

In a sense that is very difficult to understand, even though Maris's life was a treasure beyond belief, his death can provide a gift of healing that is of even more inestimable value. I do not need to make the same mistake over and over. I accept whatever treasure Maris chooses to offer to me, in whatever form. I needed to focus on that now. I want him to be able to come through to me; I want him to be able to fulfill his destiny.

This world is a vale of tears It is not real,. It is not our true home. Some day those of us who loved Maris will be with him again.

Sometimes it is really hard to wake up; and sometimes the remedy hurts more than the sickness.

Accept wholeness and healing now.

Niagara Falls

This was taken on our trip to Niagara Falls. It was the last trip we all took together.

Philip is on the left, Marus is in the middle, and Alek is on the right.

Alek said this is how he wants to remember being with his brothers.

That trip was one of the happiest times of our lives, because we were surrounded by such beauty, and did a lot of really special things on that trip, such as hunting for Herkimer Diamonds, seeing the Liberty Bell in Philadelphia, visiting Gettysburg, etc.

The Power of Now

I just finished reading The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle.

It was extremely enlightening. I am finally starting to feel an inner shift, as if an inner window may be opening.

What a sense of relief comes from remembering to step back from an emotion, as soon as I feel it gathering itself, and observe it, and remind myself "You are not your thoughts. You are not your feelings." That moment of stepping back and observing results in a moment of total peace. That moment is like dropping a tiny seed, which takes root, and spreads tis tendrils through the rest of one's life.

Those roots and tendrils crack the walls of the facade created by the mind, which creates a false sense of identity, separateness, and imprisonment.... rays of brillians of true being shine through the cracks.

Tolle's books have been very healing for me. They have enabled me to reaize that what goes through the mnd is not what identifies you as a person. The mind is a problem solving tool that can cut you off from your true identity, which is beyond thought.

NOW is all you have. The past is a memory. The future is imaginary. NOW is what is real. If you do not do something NOW, you will not do it EVER; because the future is not real. Now is all that is real.

I have always known that (in my mind) but I did not fully realize the meaning of now.

If I had understand the true meaning of NOW, which is all there is, I would not always be waiting for Maris to come home on leave...or get out of the Air Force...because the future does not exist.

Now is all you have.

The now is the well of the sacred.

Anyway, read the book. It may very well save your life...or someone else's.

If you want to experience true inner peace for the first time, read The Power of Now

The Graveyard Book, by Neil Gaiman

I bought copies of this wonderful book to give as Halloween gifts to a bunch of people last fall.

I wanted everyone to read it, because I enjoyed it so much, and thought it was a special book. I hoped Maris would enjoy it, too.

It is about a boy who is orphaned as an infant, and raised by ghosts and other graveyard characters. Much of the plot revolves around his forming connections, learning who he is and how to believe in himself, and solving the murder of his mother.

It will appeal to everyone who feels like an outsider, or doesn''t fit in. It shows how you can be raised under unusual conditions by people who care about you, and end up having a good heart and good character, and being a fine, intelligent, original person.

I mailed a copy to Maris on October 20, thinking he would get it well before Halloween. I never realized how slow the mail service is to Hawai,,,or that there was any rush.

The book did not arrive until some time after October 26. I am very disappointed about that. It might have cheered Maris up.

Gray Cat

Here is a picture of Maris with our cat, Stormy.

Demetria told us she had a spiritual message from Maris that she could not interpret. The message was: "Pet the gray cat."

We have a gray cat. Actually, she is a pastel tortoise shell cat. her fur has all the colors of a strong storm--gray, orange, white. She is storm-colored, so I named her "Stormy."

Stormy is irritating. But it is not her fault. She was taken away from her mother too soon, and it may have addled her brains a bit. Maybe she is even depressed.

Our little neighbors from down the street rang our door bell back in 1993, with a box of kittens who needed homes. They said their mother threatened to drown the kittens in the river if the girls did not find homes for them; so they were motivated.

I picked Stormy up because I liked her fur. I had been hoping to find a brindle cat because I had heard that witches used to own brindle cats. Well, Stormy is not exactly a brindle cat.
and i am not even sure from where that tradition stems. But when I put Stormy back in the box, she immediately began meowing loudly, and tried to claw her way back to me. The girls said, "Aawww....she is already used to you!" So we kept her.

She had teeth, but was very tiny. Do kittens' mothers stop nursing them when their teeth come in? We tried feeding Stormy from baby bottles but she chewed up all the nipples. She did not seem to know how to eat solid food or drink milk from a saucer. We were afraid she would starve. We fed her from the bottles for a few days, and went through lots of nipples until we felt she had figured out how to eat solid food.

The food seemed to have a bad effect on her insides, and she was so tiny she could barely reach the edge of the litter box. She used to race for it as fast as she could, but then she had to heave herself up over the side of it, which was very hard to do, if there was no one around to help her into the litter box. So she had many accidents in spite of her best efforts, and unfortunately she git used to having accidents. This did not make her very popular around here.

Stormy routinely used a corn plant as a litter box. Why? had she developed an aversion to the litter box because of all her negative experiences with it? Ray was convinced Stormy was just too lazy to use the litter box. Pretty soon we began keeping Stormy in the basement as much as we could. If she had accidents in the basement, it was not as troublesome as having them in the living room.

This was a very dysfunctional arrangem,ent. But we could not figure out another solution that would not somehow involve expensive treatments or euthanasia.

Stormy experiences neglect and misunderstanding because of her unsavory habits. She has beautiful green eyes, and is extremely affectionate. So when Demetria said something about petting the gray cat, the message resonated with me.

The gray cat did not refer to Stripes, who is a spotted tabby. Styripes used to sit on Maris's lap for hours on end, and sleep on him at night. She sits outside of his room now and waits forever for him to open the door.

The gray cat is the neglected one, the misunderstood one, who falls constantly through the cracks, who fell in love with me when I picked her out of a box of kittens destined for the Chicago River, who waits patiently for attention, who makes no demands and has no expectations, who has a sweet and gentle disposition and who has some accidents now and then. Her heart is breaking with loneliness but shhe sits at the top of the basement stairs hoping today we will let her come up.

Maris's spirit surely identifies with Stormy's sorrow, and he wants us to be kind to her. He wants us not to punish or judge her for something she may have no control over, whether it is genetic, or the result of early and unfortunate experiences. He wants us to heal Stormy, and he wants Stormy to heal us. He wants us to expeprience the giving of unconditional love to a creature who is completely ordinary and deserving of love. It will make us better, kinder people to pet Stormy. It will make our planet a better place if we can heal Stormy's heart.

I have to admit I can never trust Stormy. We recently allowed her to come up, and sure enough she still has her bad habits. But she is what she is, and she needs to be loved, so I hold and pet the gray cat every chance I get and I think of Maris and I start to cry.

From Maris's dear friend Valeria

The loss of Maris has left such emptiness.

Here is another beautiful email we received from one of Maris's dearest friends:

"I have a little marble Maris gave me that contains plutonium. It glows in the dark. I gave him a little Japanese chess board for his birthday one year, if you guys come across it you now know where it came from. I always meant to but never did apologize to you for helping Maris run up his cell phone bill during the first couple months we were sent overseas, sorry about that, but I think we were both pretty lonely and we missed each other a lot. ...Im expecting my first child, a girl. Her name is Phoenix Marisa Jones. Your son means a lot to me, he is one of the most sincere persons Ive ever known, my dad really liked him when he met him and never stopped asking about him. Maris really liked watching movies and it was something we did a lot, there are so many movies that remind me of him. We also got in trouble together sometimes. Maris was never a troublemaker but I sure am, so people told him to stay away from me. He never judged me though. He was also really, really good at paintball. He would sneak up on me and have me cornered, but never shot me, because he'd never hurt me, even in a game. I want your family to know I am truly thankful that Maris was who he was, and that he shared a bit of his life with me. I know my words could never console your family, but I hope it means something knowing Maris was an amazing friend to a lot of people."

Hawaii

We went to Hawaii for a memorial service for Maris that took place on November 10, 2010. We were not able to stay for as long as we would have liked.

We wanted so much to see where Maris worked, and some of his favorite places.

Anna referred us to some shops that, sadly, were no longer in business.

But we did spend some time with Cheryl Niggle of Serendipity Riches. She is a lovely person, and was very kind to us.

Serendipity Riches is a gift shop where Cheryl can do a reading for you. She is an intuitive tarot reader, channeler, astrologer, numerologist, and reiki master.

Serendipity Riches is at 1427 Whitney St., Honolulu HI, 96822.

You can call Cheryl at (808) 949-4711 or email her at serendipitybooks@aol.com .

Tribute to Maris by Olivia

My dear friend Olivia Robertson (FOI co-founder), who was with me when I received the news about Maris, made this picture. (If you click on the image, you can view it in a larger size.)

Its full title is Reborn In Isis: Tribute To Maris.

It was accompanied by the following letter:

"My Dear Deena,
I meditated on how to reply to your poignant letter of intense loss. Then I attuned to Maris in Spirit World. I received this message:

"Go ahead with your art work
which I hope will help my mother
because it is true. I AM ALIVE!
Tell her about your brother. That is great!"

I had an amazing vision of a baby last January. Now by a wonderful set of circumstances--I believe Derry (Lawrence) has come back as the baby Samuel now 7 months! He is my 2nd cousin 3 times removed and is so lovely--a beautiful smile. He seemed to KNOW the Temple when I baptized him at the well.

When a child of 5 he [Derry] was photoed ... as the Infant Samuel: "Speak, Lord, thy servant heareth." Tho now it would be: "Speak, Lady, thy servant heareth-- THE GODDESS."

There is no death. Life and love are eternal. When you grieve it is hard for Maris to get through....[Olivia is a Spiritualist Medium]

So try tuning in--in his bedroom with his belongings and him.

He is entering a new sphere of activity as are we all--approaching the Galactic Alignment of 21st December 2012.

We need you in FOI. So many members turn to you for the ethical application of the Manifesto. What you do is appreciated in mind and heart (both).

Also Maris loves Ray and Alek and Philip And they rely on you for commfort and support as they deeply miss Maris. Your help is needed.

Love and blessings of Isis
Olivia"

Every morning when I wake up the first thing that goes through my mind is I am awake. And the second thing that goes through my mind is Maris is gone. Then I am sucked down into a whirlpool of sorrow and regret...Why did I not know anything about depression? how could I neglect my child's greatest needs this way? I have failed him. I have lost my greatest treasure through my own ignorance. And so it goes.

Olivia concurs with what other spiritual mediums agree...that a higher vibratory level is necessary for the well being of our loved ones in the spirit world, and our ability to connect with them.

I am not my thoughts. I have to learn to remember to step back from this grief and allow the Watcher--the Eye of Vision--to observe my thoughts and feelings..."Watch my thoughts go by" as my friend James Yellowbank used to say.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, dearest Olivia, for reminding me of this important truth.

My Valentine From Maris

I brought some Sweethearts ("the official candy of love") to work today. People emjoy seeing what message they get, and each piece has only 4 calories.

As I was pouring the bag of Sweethearts into the container, one of them bounced out onto the counter.

Its message was: "Miss You." Itwas purple, my favorite color.

A message from Maris? or my own heart's message to him?

Has anyone done a scientific study of Sweethearts to see how many messages there are. "Miss You" articulates what is in my own heart more than just about any of the other messages.

The ones closest to the top of the bowl say "Tweet Me"...."Hey Babe"..."Me & You"..."Meet Me"..."Marry Me" I got bored with that project pretty fast.

Thank you for my purple heart, Maris.

I love you eternally and infinitely, on this Valentine's Day and always.