April 26, 2010

April 26 marked the 6 month anniversary of Maris's death.

We did not do anything special to observe it because we could not think of anything else that we were already doing.

W#e already have a full-time altar dedicated to Maris, at which we place offerings and light candles. I talk to him daily. When I have time I read to him. I pray for him daily.

These special dates are about special time set aside, as much as special actions or things.

Nothing much has changed. Maris is still the first and last thought in my mind every morning and night. I say prayers for him daily, along with the people he may have hurt in past lives so that he may be freed of any encimbering bonds that hold him back. I pray especially for angry or spirituallu powerful people who may have set bonds on him that are extremely difficult to break. I send healing to him daily.

I thought we would have forever, when Maris got out of the Air Force in September 2010. I have learned no one has forever. You only have the present moment, and you must never put anything off "untikl the right moment." THIS moment may be the only one you have, and it has to be be good enough.

We have stopped the one-on-one bereavement counseling because we found ourselves running the same tape over and over, which was monotonous for us and I am sure also for ojur counselor. And we felt we did not need to waste her time with that. But we still atend the monthly LOSS meetings, because it is such a relief to be in a group of people where we are free to be ourselves, and nat have to be afraid of anything we might say or do. No one has to walk on eggshells or feel self-conscious there. And I always come away with really good ideas and insights. We are still hoping to become part of an 8-week survivors program,k though.

I still cry a lot. I still have to think of Maris constantly, because if I don't, I am hit with a giant wave of emotion when I start thinking about him again.

I have not yet learned how to let go of him. Maybe that is the most important thing. I hate to think I am holding him back from healing and peace because I just can't let go.

I finally went to Confession last week, for the first time in many years, because I thought if I could hear someone say I was forgiven for everything I have ever done that might have led up to Maris;s death, perhaps I would then be able to forgive myself. It is also my way of clearing my inner decks for passage into the next life for myself.

I still feel as if my life has been changed forever, and that it is not even the same life I thought it was.. For years I had gone around feeling that I was in a transitional state of waiting for some kind of major change; but I did not know what it was. Every horrible thing that has ever happened was only a pale weak shadow of this event; and whatever happens after this...whether it be disease, earthquake, the loss of my house, the destruction of my city, the death of everyone arounbd me...it will only be a weak echo of the loss of Maris. The meaning and purpose has gone out of my life. Nothing can ever come along that could ever replace maris.

We are thinking ahead to Maris's 1 year anniversary on October 26, and to his 23rd birthday on November 16. Perhaps the people who treasure Maris will be able to get together with us on those days to remember and celebrate him in a special way.

Pisanki

We have always made Pisanki for Easter in our family.

Maris loved making Pisanki.

I made this Pisanka for Maris.

I chose the design elements with certain things in mind.

It is red, white, and blue to honor his military service,of which we were so proud and grateful.

An 8-pointed star represents regeneration. Baptismal fonts, for example, are 8-sided. The rays of the sun illuminate the 8 directions. The 8-pointed star represents the sun as well.

The ladders represent travel and communion between the worlds of the living and the dead.

The flowers represent the beauty of nature.

There are so many other motifs and colors I could have used. But I will make another Pisanka for Maris next year. The story will go on forever. As long as someone makes Pisanki, the world will go on existing.

Hymn To the Sun

Here is another prayer we said, just as the sun was appearing over the horizon on Easter Sunday morning.

Maris was there with us in spirit, and it was easy to surround him with the radiance of this prayer and the one by Burton.

A Hymn In Praise of Aten
written by
King Akhenaten, c.1365 BC

Thy dawning is beautiful in the horizon of heaven
O living Aten, beginning of life!
When thou risest in the eastern horizon of heaven
Thou fillest every land with thy beauty,
For thou art beautiful, great, glittering, high over the earth,
Thy rays, they encompass the lands, even all thou hast made.
Thou art Ra, and thou hast carried them all away captive;
Thou bindest them by thy love.
Though thou art afar, thy rays are on earth;
Though thou art on high, thy footprints are the day.

When thou settest in the western horizon of heaven
The world is in darkness like the dead,
They sleep in their chambers
Their heads are wrapped up,
Their nostrils stopped and none seeth the other,
Stolen are all their things that are under their heads,
While they know it not.
Every lion cometh forth from his den,
All serpents, they sting.
Darkness reigns.
The world is in silence
He that made them has gone to rest in his horizon.

Bright is the earth,
When thou risest in the horizon,
Wwhen thou shinest as Aten by day.
The darkness is banished,
Wwhen thou sendest forth thy rays,
The Two Lands are in daily festivity,
Awake and standing upon their feet,
For thou hast raised them up,
Their limbs bathed they take their clothing;
Their arms uplifted in adoration to thy dawning,
Then in all the world they do their work.

All cattle rest upon their herbage,
All trees and plants flourish,
The birds flutter in the marshes,
Their wings uplifted in adoration to thee,
All the sheep dance upon their feet,
All winged things fly,
They live when thou hast shone upon them.

Thou art he who createst the man-child in wwomen,
Who makest seed in man,
Who giveth life to the son in the body of his mother,
Who soothest him that he may not weep,
A nurse even in the womb.
Who giveth breath to animate every one that he maketh.

When the chicklet crieth in the egg-shell
Thou givest him breath therein, to preserve him alive.
When thou hast perfected him
That he may pierce the egg,
He cometh forth from the egg,
To chirp with all his might;
He runneth about upon his two feet,
When he hath come forth therefrom.

How manifold are all thy works!
They are hidden from before us
O thou sole god, whose powers no other possesseth.

Easter Prayer

This is one of the prayers we recited at the shore of Lake Michigan right before the sun came up on Easter.

It is from the book In the Light of a Child: a Journey Through the 52 Weeks of the Year In Both Hemispheres For Children and For the Child In Each Human Being by Michael Hedley Burton. The prayers reflect what is happening in Nature and within ourselves. The series begins with Easter.

From heaven above comes sunlight streaming;
Shining, glistening and gleaming.
My silver crescent-cup is filled,
(Be careful that it is not spilled),
Such joy weaves round me everywhere
In water and earth and in light-filled air.
A wave of joy in me as well
Springs from my heart, a surging swell.
By joy I'm taught my God to know.
I am his child--he tells me so.

Easter Sunday Morning

It is customary for our family to make the pilgrimage to the shore of Lake Michigan on Easter Sunday morning to wait for sunrise.

You must arrive when it is totally dark. It is darkest before dawn, and sometimes the wait for the sun in cold and darkness can seem very long. There is an irrational feeling the sun might not rise.

I walked out onto our front porch at 3 am, and beheld a beautiful large somewhat waning moon. I figured if we could see the moon and the stars, we would also be able to see the sun.

The birds were starting to sing as we left the house.

The streets were mostly deserted. It was very still. Philip played Beatles music for us. How perfect to hear this in the dark stillness of Easter morning...

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Blackbird fly Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to
arise.

...and that was followed by...

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
It's all right


Right before the sun rose, we read the prayer for Easter by Rudolf Steiner...and as it was rising, we read the hymn to the sun by Akhenaten.

It was beautiful.

This sunrise was for you, Maris.

I felt I had to do this this year especially for Maris. I wanted him to see the beauty of the sunrise through our eyes, and to be part of our family gathered there in w aiting. We could not see much, but we could feel Maris.

Here is a series of pictures we took that morning.

Good Friday

From The Expected One by Kathleen McGowan:

"Praetorus took Easa's body and laid it gently across the lap of the Great Mary. She held him to her then, allowing herself to weep openly for the loss of her beautiful son. Mary Magdalene came to kneel beside her, and the Great Mary held them both. They remained together in that position of mourning for a very long time."

Coca Cola Museum

I took Maris with me to Atlanta GA in 2002, when I attended the ALA Conference.

2001-2002 had been a rough year for Maris, and I wanted to so something fun for him. He had never flown in an airplane before, so I thought he might enjoy going to Atlanta

I made reservations at the Peachtree Hilton, because it was the tallest hotel in the U.S.. But then I chickened out and made reservations at the Sheraton instead, because I kept worrying an airplane might fly into the Hilton. It was less than a year after 9/11, and I was still freaked out over that. Maris must have been disappointed, because he had been looking forward to spending lots of time gazing out over Atlanta from the top floor of the Hilton. I guess that is what Mary means when she says I hurt my kids by over-protecting them.

I made maris pack his trunks, so that he could swim while i attended the conference. I also thought he might go exploring, so we invested in some cell phones so we could keep track of each other.

We originally planned to drive, and I wanted the whole family to come. We were going to visit the Centers for Disease Control, which was something else Maris was really interested in...but it was another disappointment for him when Ray and Philip decided to stay home. He ended up watching movies and playing video games, and did nto swim.

We had planned on visiting a plantation, but the tour was canceled due to lack of interest...one more disappointment. But we did visit the home of Margaret Mitchell, which allowed us to experience the MARTA subway train. And we visited the World of Coca Cola, which was really fun. The most interesting part was a soda fountain that featured all the exotic flavors of Coke that are marketed in foreign countries. We got to try Coke flacored with leechee juice, and other varieties that are popular in other countries.

Pisces New Moon Day, 2010

We have been working hard on re-arranging our rooms. We moved our shrine / meditation room / temple to a bigger, nicer room in the basement...and turned the former shrine (which we outgrew years ago) into an office.

I have been hauling boxes out of the basement all day, in order to prepare the new room for dedication tonight. The basement has been a dismal, discouraging and overwhelmingly chaotic mess since a flood 2 or 3 years ago forced us to frantically toss boxes onto tables and chairs to keep them above water level. Some of the boxes broke because their bottoms had gotten so soggy. What a nightmare!! The contents of the boxes became hoopelessly mixed up.

I do not know how this picture happened to be in the basement all by itself, because I have always kept the kids' pictures safely put away. I have no idea what year he drew it. It was crumpled and wrinkled, and did not scan that well. But I am so grateful to have it. It is a precious message from Maris.

Perhaps it was a symbolic fireplace for the secret hiding place they had in the basement when they were little. But it seems to me as if Maris is letting me know he is participating in spirit in the dedication of our new spiritual hearth, and doing whatever he can to help us along with this project.

I miss you so much, Maris, and I will love you throughout all your lifetimes, no matter who or what you are.

What Is Left

All that is left is deep, deep sorrow....knowing you will never again, with mortal eyes, see this person who was such a special soul and such a special being...who was so sensitive...so intelligent...so intellectually curious...so witty in an acerbic way...so funny...so original...so careful...so serious...so patient...so loyal...so compassionate...so helpful.

All these things, and more, were behind the prison of the social phobia and the depression.

Such a brave and courageous soul, who struggled so valiantly with such heavy burdens, and for so long. One day it all just got to be too much.

Behind the guilt...the regret...the sense of failure....the feeling of wrongness and unfairness...there is a deep, deep, deep sorrow, as deep as the oceans of space.

I miss him so much.

Darkness Visible

I just finished reading Darkness Visible: a Memoir of Madness by William Styron.

It is a quick read. Lycky for Styron he was taken to a hospital before he ended his life, because he was making plans in that direction.

It only gradually dawned on him what his problem was. It seemed to take him a long time to deeduce it objectively. His shrink sounds pill-oriented, and did not come across as very dedicated or caring or even very bright.

As Styron is a good writer, it was interesting to read his description of deprerssion and suicidal thoughts.

I seem to be reading exclusively this kind of thing these days. I compare different writers' descriptions because I hope in this way to derive a composite image that might help me understand. Each book I have read so far adds another piece to the puzzle.

But I am still at the stage where I am sorting the puzzle pieces by color and shape. And I have no idea what the picture even is.

It sounds as if Styron's issues were worsened by having the wrong prescription. And beinig in the hospital made him feel more peaceful and secure, which also helped his state of mind. So of course he thinks highly of this approach. And he had nothing else standing in the way of his from taking this approach.

Lucky for him.

I have not read anything else by Styron, but I have seen the movie Sophie's Choice, which was omne of the most disturbing movies I have seen, and so agonizing to watch that I am not sure I have the strength to read anything more by him.

Thinking of having to be Sophie is possibly the closest one can come to the feeling of what depression might feel like: It is a description of a very cruel and evil universe. I am happy for Styron that he began to feel better,

Rebirth

Maris will be reborn some day. Sooner or later.

He may come back as male or female. He may come back as my child again...or my parent...or my sibling...or my friend...or my neighbor...or my teacher....anyone.

He may come back in shackles again.

This is enough to make me more aware. Every person with whom I might interact from now on might be maris reborn.

If he is again shackled in some way, the shackles will be an opportunity to offer him total love and total compassion.

I may not recognize Maris in his new form. He may not even be reborn again during my lifetime. It does not matter. I will continue to see and honor Maris in everyone I meet, just as La Befana saw and honored the Chnist Child in everyone she met.

Healing

One of the nurses who took care of Maris in the intensive care neonatal nursery was Native American, and really devoted to her traditional wisdom. She encouraged me to use my Rescue Remedy on Maris when he was under the bili lights in the warming box. When she sensed how inadequate I felt caring for him ,and wondering what he needed from me, she said Maris would be source of healing for me.

When I remember that, it reminds me I need to embrace everything about Maris, including all his choices for himself. Maris's heart and soul were very wise. Perhaps through many lifetimes, he had chosen a difficult path not understood by many, which was intended to awaken them. The purppose of The Way of the Cross is to bring enlightenment (salvation) through suffering. It is possible that Maris suffered through many of his lifetimes.

Sometimes the most powerful medicine is the bitterest.

It is strong and powerful, and the flavor lets us know: "heads up, here I come!" get ready to be healed.

Did Maris suffer to redeem himself? or to redeem the rest of us?

If we did not recognize and accept the tresure he offered us while he was alive, he will continue to help us from the spirit world; and we need to accept the gift now.

I spent all of November and December wanting to be with Maris. I will get my wish sooner or later, when the time is right.

If Maris had not left us the way he did, we would be none the wiser. We would have breathed sighs of relief, thinking we were off the hook and he had solved all his problems. We would continue to walk in ignorance telling ourselves all was well. We would have continued to be rewarded for living in unconsciousness and illusion. When Maris left this world, even if the healing and the awakening had not taken place by then, they are certainly happening now...at least for me.

Sometimes it takes an enormous wake up call of this nature....people have to lose their dearest treasure before they stiop loiving in denial and start healing themselves.

Maris had to do this for us any way he could.

In a sense that is very difficult to understand, even though Maris's life was a treasure beyond belief, his death can provide a gift of healing that is of even more inestimable value. I do not need to make the same mistake over and over. I accept whatever treasure Maris chooses to offer to me, in whatever form. I needed to focus on that now. I want him to be able to come through to me; I want him to be able to fulfill his destiny.

This world is a vale of tears It is not real,. It is not our true home. Some day those of us who loved Maris will be with him again.

Sometimes it is really hard to wake up; and sometimes the remedy hurts more than the sickness.

Accept wholeness and healing now.

Niagara Falls

This was taken on our trip to Niagara Falls. It was the last trip we all took together.

Philip is on the left, Marus is in the middle, and Alek is on the right.

Alek said this is how he wants to remember being with his brothers.

That trip was one of the happiest times of our lives, because we were surrounded by such beauty, and did a lot of really special things on that trip, such as hunting for Herkimer Diamonds, seeing the Liberty Bell in Philadelphia, visiting Gettysburg, etc.

The Power of Now

I just finished reading The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle.

It was extremely enlightening. I am finally starting to feel an inner shift, as if an inner window may be opening.

What a sense of relief comes from remembering to step back from an emotion, as soon as I feel it gathering itself, and observe it, and remind myself "You are not your thoughts. You are not your feelings." That moment of stepping back and observing results in a moment of total peace. That moment is like dropping a tiny seed, which takes root, and spreads tis tendrils through the rest of one's life.

Those roots and tendrils crack the walls of the facade created by the mind, which creates a false sense of identity, separateness, and imprisonment.... rays of brillians of true being shine through the cracks.

Tolle's books have been very healing for me. They have enabled me to reaize that what goes through the mnd is not what identifies you as a person. The mind is a problem solving tool that can cut you off from your true identity, which is beyond thought.

NOW is all you have. The past is a memory. The future is imaginary. NOW is what is real. If you do not do something NOW, you will not do it EVER; because the future is not real. Now is all that is real.

I have always known that (in my mind) but I did not fully realize the meaning of now.

If I had understand the true meaning of NOW, which is all there is, I would not always be waiting for Maris to come home on leave...or get out of the Air Force...because the future does not exist.

Now is all you have.

The now is the well of the sacred.

Anyway, read the book. It may very well save your life...or someone else's.

If you want to experience true inner peace for the first time, read The Power of Now