Maris's Birthday 2011

We were grateful to receive visits from Maris's friends in honor of his birthday.


Every year, there was a sleepover for Maris's friends.  They did wild and crazy things all night, and it was always a lot of fun.

Friends from Gordon Tech visited on Saturday, November 12--Lukasz, Brian, and Jeff:

 and Peter and Elizabeth, friends from Newberry visited on his actual birthday, November 16

  Thank you so much for being the most special friends in the world.

National Alliance On Mental Illness (NAMI)

I had a valuable experience at work the other day.  We learned about NAMI, the nation’s largest grassroots mental health organization dedicated to building better lives for Americans affected by mental illness.


Working with the public means we never know what kinds of inner burdens are being carried by the people we interect with on the public desks. 


NAMI is dedicated to changing our perceptions of people with mental illness.  They offer wonderful programs, such as support groups for people who struggle with mental illness or wonder if they are mentally ill, as well as those who care for someone who has a mental illness.  They promote hope, reform and health through support, education, and advocacy.


The 2 presenters were NAMI/CCNS voluneers, and were living with different mental illnesses.  They were very willing to enlighten us in every way possible, and gave me some "scripts" and insights to use at the Reference Desk if necessary.


The most important thing I learned...which I learned far too late to help my family...is that if you must call the police because someone is  losing control, make sure you ask them to send a qualified individual who has had training in dealing with mental illness...and above all do not let the person know you called the police. This can, as we know, backfire disastrously. 


Our presenter illustrated this by relating a personal account. 


I am grateful that NAMI exists, because the public so desperately needs to learn these things, and to have its perceptions changed.


But I feel sad that this information is getting out so slowly.


I wish everyone would learn about NAMI and become part of the healing of our world.

Prayer of Forgiveness from "The Aleph" by Paolo Coelho

I just finished reading The Aleph by Paolo Coelho.  This book is completely enthralling...particularly the Prayer of Forgiveness.

My own prayer of forgiveness evolves.  I will blog about it in a separate blog post.

The prayer that Paolo Coelho includes in The Aleph seemed very significant to me.  In fact the entire book is most significant.  It dovetails with my own experiences and thoughts, and sheds light on them.  Forgiveness is a huge part of being able to survive the experience of losing Maris.  It is the only element in this never-ending nightmare that enables it to make any sense at all.

This prayer articulated much of what has been going through my consciousness.  It is very powerful.

"I forgive [who] I was, not because I want to become a saint but because I do not want to endure this hatred. This tiresome hatred...

I am liberated from hatred by means of forgiveness and love. I understand that suffering, when it cannot be avoided, helps me to advance towards glory...

The tears I shed, I forgive.

The suffering and disappointments, I forgive.

The betrayals and lies, I forgive.

The slandering and scheming, I forgive.

The hatred and persecution, I forgive.

The punches that were given, I forgive.

The shattered dreams, I forgive.

The dead hopes, I forgive.

The disaffection and jealousy, I forgive.

The indifference and ill will, I forgive.

The injustice in the name of justice, I forgive.

The anger and mistreatment, I forgive.

The neglect and oblivion, I forgive.

The world with all its evil, I forgive...

Grief and resentment, I replace with understanding and agreement.

Revolt, I replace with music that comes from my violin.

Pain I replace with oblivion.

Revenge, I replace with victory.

I will be able to love above all discontentment.

To give even when I am stripped of everything.

To work happily even when I find myself in the midst of all obstacles.

To dry tears even when I am still crying.

To believe even when I am discredited...

Thy will be done. Thy will be done."

Sleepless

We are so happy for Maris's good friend Peter.  His band, Marshfield, has just released a new CD, Coping With the Present.  We were pleased and honored to attend the CD release show at the Old Town School of Folk Music on Saturday, November 26.  

What an awesome experience!  these guys are so creative....not to mention energetic!  They completely throw themselves into the music...in fact they seem to BECOME the music.   it is a full body experience with amazing vibes you can feel on every level of your being.


One of the songs, Sleepless, was largely inspired by Maris:

We know it was the worst, but it feels like the first time that we had to say goodbye
Now I'm sleepless again, tossing turning in my bed
Wondering, "why did you go?"


I hold on to my covers, never let them go
The nightmares closing in
The pictures still remind me, of where we've gone and been
Waking me each night


And we knew it was the worst cause it feels like the first time that we had to say goodbye
Now I"m sleepless again, tossing turning in my bed
Wondering, "why did you go?"


Please don't ever think your time was wasted trying to change our lives
Now it's been said, and a memory has been left in my head wondering, "where did you, where did you go?"


The mystery is all but solved now, guesses have been made. We're all left here standing.
Hoping you'll return, come back to me, come back to us


And we knew it was the worst, but it feels like the first time that we, we could feel at ease
Now I"m sleepless again, tossing turning in my bed
Wondering, "why did you go?"


Please don't ever think your time was wasted trying to change our lives
Now it's been said, and a memory has been left in my head wondering, "where did you, where did you go?"
(repeat)


Where did you go?

Maris would have been so completely proud of Peter. Thank you so much to Peter and to Marshfield, you have touched our hearts, and we wish you every possible success.

16 November 2011

Maris was born 24 years ago today at Columbus Hospital in Chicago.  I had been in the hospital on and off for days...weeks.  the doctor had been trying to stop premature labor since the 20th week of pregnancy.  I was so afraid. 

Maris was so premature, he turned out to be a Scorpio rather than a Pisces.

I am sending love and gratitude to his friends, and to everyone who loved him. You brought joy to his life, and are very special to us.

We are so grateful to know you through Maris.  Thank you for being part of our lives.

Your Eternal Self

I attended the IANDS meeting on 12 November 2011.  In the audience was R. Craig Hogan, author of Your Eternal Self.  This interesting book is available online as an e-book.

Here is what Dr. Hogan writes about suicide:

"People who commit suicide are met with compassion and understanding on the next plane of life. There is no judgment or condemnation. However, there is great sadness among all living on the next plane of life when the suicide victim arrives, and he or she feels deep remorse. That person sees the grief family and friends still on Earth suffer, because their thoughts and emotions are known by the person who has committed suicide. Many attend the funeral unseen, and because they then understand that life really is eternal, they realize that they could have worked out the problems and lived full lives with those who loved them on Earth, but now the opportunity is gone. What could have been a wonderful, rewarding life has been cut off. And in the afterlife, the person still has to face and work out the problems he or she was experiencing, but with all the remorse and sadness that accompanies the suicide.
Suicide is not an alternative if the body is free of unbearable pain. Most difficulties will pass with time and the person will live a rewarding life, growing, learning, loving, and experiencing. And the problems still must be faced in the afterlife, with the added burdens of remorse and knowing that nothing can now be done to go back to life to make things better and have a joyful, fruitful lifetime."

Other people at the meeting said that the suicide is received into the next life with great love and compassion, and extra help is given to them.  However, they have to re-do that life, with all its challenges,  because there are lessons they still need to learn and master, and there is no other way to do this than to come back to the physical world and try again.

I have not found a section of the book where Dr. Hogan addresses the effect of bindings from previous lifetimes.

Correspondence re FOID Card

The energy surrounding our family in 2008-9 was not good.

Some time at end of 08 or start of 09 I received something in the mail that I thought was a scam.  Found out too late it was not. It was something from the Police Dept referring to an alias Maris supposedly had, and he had to clear up this problem.  I just couldnot believe it was real, felt it had to be a hoax or a scam, and I very stupidly threw it away.

This message, which seemed so entirely unbelievable, was similar to the visit from the air Force informing us what happened to Maris in that it was very, very hard for my mind to process.  It was a dark and insane experience.   This event was one of the things that contributed to Maris feeling very down, as if everything was against him.

The message said that Maris's fingerprints matched those of a gang member who had a criminal record, and that he was using an alias.

I do not remember the name it said he was using because I very very stupidly threw it away.

Did I also throw away messages from my psyche warning me what Maris was contemplating? 

I felt so bad for him.  He had applied for a Firearm Owner's I D card through the state of Hawaii.  His application was rejected because the Honolulu P D believed his fingerprints matched those of a Hispanic gang member with a criminal record (whose name I unfortunately can't remember) and for this reason he was denied the FOID card.

I consulted some my my friends who were Chicago police.  They suggested Maris re-apply for the FOID card through the state of Illinois because the state of Hawaii had fingerprint equipment that was much less sophisticated than that used by Illinois. 

I had already contemplated asking for help from the FBI because I had no idea what was really going on here.  My friends suggested applying through Illinois because the problem might be on a state level, not a national level.

I had also taken it upon myself to contact the Honolulu police to ask them why this had happened.

I have been very angry at these people ever since.  They insisted Maris was a criminal using an alias.  When I asked them to re-run the fingerprint test, they began to raise their voices at me as if I, too, were a criminal.

I used tobe idealistic.  I used to believe police really did serve and protect.  Now i believe they may do that half the time.  The other half of the time they manage to bring about the conditions they say they are protercting us from.

here is a copy of the email correspondence I had with Maris.

Re: instructions for requesting the document you need

Sunday, March 1, 2009 10:50 AM

From: "Maris Butta" View contact details

To:deeankh@sbcglobal.net

that's what i've been doing.  They don't open until 0745L and close at 1630L.  Staying up cuts too much into my sleep so I wake up early.  I haven't worked on this since I wanted advice from SFS on base and the shirt.  I got the advice to go resubmit my prints which i'll do tomorrow when they open.  If I get denied again then i'll ask for a letter stating why and then go from there.

My supervisors brother is a cop and suggested I talk with the illinois attorney general's office.  I will talk with base legal if i am denied again and see what advice I can get from them.

--- On Sun, 3/1/09, Deena wrote:
Subject: Re: instructions for requesting the document you need
To: praetorian_elite22@yahoo.com
Date: Sunday, March 1, 2009, 10:40 AM

you might have to set aside some time to do this before you go to work one day...or when you get off your shift.

 

imaybe you should call that phone number and ask what are F. Tan's hours, and explain that you  need to request a copy of that letter because you need documentation  in order to submit an appeal .

 

when they send you the letter, make sure you make severl photocopies of it, because you will also need to submit it to chgo police or honolulu police to show them the kind of problem you are having.

 

in order to clear up a problem, first you have to document there is a problem.

 

if they can also provide background on the Torres person, you can submit documentation we have here to provide alibis.

 

i know it is tough with working the late shigy...but you can't let interfere with clearing up this problem, because it is a bad problem.  Bob and Gwen agree with that, and they say it is extremely important to clear your name.

 

you will need to keep this paper trail in a folder so you can document every step of it; and you can also show it to your supervisors.

--- On Sun, 3/1/09, Maris Butta wrote:

Date: Sunday, March 1, 2009, 3:56 AM

Yeah, would be easier but i won't be back on day shift for months.

--- On Sat, 2/28/09, Deena wrote:
Date: Saturday, February 28, 2009, 10:08 PM

ok, Maris.  thanks for taking care of that.  I know it is annoying, but they need to fix the problem.

 

sounds like ti will get easier when you are back on day shift.

 

take care--

 

love,

mom

--- On Sat, 2/28/09, Maris Butta wrote:

Date: Saturday, February 28, 2009, 5:04 AM

That's the guy that told me there was no appeal process in the first place and wasn't willing to help me out at all.  I'll go there on my day off on monday.

I would be doing more if I was not working night shift.  It's hard to talk to people when they are sleeping and businesses are closed.  If I want to get work done I either have to wake up early or stay up late.  It's hard to talk to my chain of command when they are sleeping.

I'm going to go to the PD on my next day off to re-submit my prints and get a letter saying why I was denied a permit in writing.

I'm mailing in my application for illinois FOID today and i'll see where that goes. 

--- On Fri, 2/27/09, Deena wrote:
Date: Friday, February 27, 2009, 7:24 PM

call Honolulu division of firearms at (808)  529-3340.

 

ask for F. Tan. 

 

He is the investigator who sends out the letters and makes the phone calls when permits are denied.  He will send you a nother letter...but you need to call and sk for it, 

 

make sure they have the correct address. ask them where they will be sending it...to chicago?  or to you?  if they send it to you, you will need to send me a copy...

 

In order to  start the appeal process re your firearm permit, you need to have  a copy of the document stating why your request for a permit was denied.

 

they agree it could have got lost in the mail.  they agreed they can send you anotehr one.

 

but you have to call F. Tan and ask for it.

 

once you have this document, we can start some kind of appeal process.  we might have to call a court in chicago, and have them look up your fingerprints here, and see what name they connect with.

 

hope you can do this asap.

 

xoxo

mom""

 

BTW Maris did receive the FOID card from Illinois.  The Illinois State Police caught the error and contacted the Honolulu P D to fix the error in their database.

did they ever do it?  no idea.  Did they ever send a letter of apology?  of course not.

I am trying really hard not to hate people, because life is too short and I do not need the rebound onto my own psyche.  But I have to admit that I feel deep and intense disgust and contempt for the Honolulu P D.  In my own interactions with them, they have behaved  like arrogant, incompetent bullies.

Letter to Philip from Maris

Maris and his brothers attended Gordon Technical High School, which sponsored two Kairos (God’s Time) Retreats for seniors. This is a three day intense program for students who have leadership qualities.  Part of the retreat experience was receiving  letters written by family members.

Maris was away from home, in the Air Force, when he wrote this letter to Philip on October 29, 2007:

"Maris Butta"

 

Hey Philip,

Dude just writing this letter to let you know that i'm proud of you man.  You've been a good bro to me, always some fun shit to do when we hang out together.  Proud of you for doing kickass in school.  Getting A's all the time and being in the NHS.  I never got that since I slacked off in school and never took it seriously but you've done good dude.  Got a good score on the ACT.  I know you're gonna be awesome at whatever you do in life man.  Hope things always go well for you.

Take it easy dude,
Maris"

I was proud of Maris for writing this nice letter to Philip.

October 26, 2011

Today is the 2nd anniversary of the day we lost our dearest Maris.  It seems as if we have been trying to make sense of it forever.  It is the greatest mystery in the universe.  Losing Maris was without a doubt the worst thing that has ever happened to me.  At the same time, knowing now what we know about him, we are grateful that we had him for as long as we did.  My life now revolves a round atonement.  I owe it to maris to learn how to trust my own heart, to believe in myself, to embrace what is incomprehensible, and to recognize The Truth no matter what form it takes.

Maris sent me this rainbow the other day when I was sorting through some things.

I recognize it as a greeting from Maris, and I am sharing it with you.

Philip Writing Award

Philip submitted an entry to a student magazine contest sponsored by the  Association for Education in Journalism and Mass Communication.  His entry placed first of 37 in the category of Consumer Magazine Article About People..

The story he wrote is about Maris. It is called He Jumped, I Followed. 

 Here are the judge's comments about Philip's article:

"Articles—People.  Judge: Dick Stolley, senior editorial adviser at Time Inc. and founding editor of People.

First Place:  “He Jumped, I Followed,” for The New Yorker

Why it won:
"The death by suicide of the author’s older brother leads him into a painful investigation of the reasons why he threw himself off a seven story parking garage in faroff Hawaii. Although we know the outcome, the author manages to create amazing suspense as he interviews his brother’s friends, scrolls through his cell phone, recalls his troubled adolescence and surprising Air Force enlistment. Suicide is the ultimate puzzle, and we never really learn why. But we do achieve an understanding of the 22-year-old himself and grieve for him almost as if we were family members ourselves."

We are very, very proud of Philip.  I know Maris is, too.. 

See a list of winning entries and read the the judges' comments about them.

Chicago Air & Water Show 2011

The Chicago Air & Water Show takes place this weekend.  It was always one of my favorite events. 

we LOVE the Air & Water Show

The kids enjoyed it, too.  We often took a bus down to North Ave. Beach for this annual event.

planes flying in formation over Lake Michigan

A Tuskegee Airman at the Chicago Air & Water Show

Maris was inducted into the Air Force at the 2005 Air and Water Show.

marching to the staging area for the oath

Maris is in the back row, just left of that black podium

taking the oath

taking the oath

the new Airmen were honored by a flyby of a new raptor plane.  Here they are, waiting for it to fly past...

...and here you see turned heads following its progress...I was too slow!

and here they come...so proud!!

I still love the Air & Water Show and I still think the planes are awesome and beautiful.  But I don't go to it any more.  My heart breaks every time I think about it.

Patty Lekawa

In December 2009. Ray visited a foot doctor.  The conversation eventually led to Maris, and the doctor mentioned that his wife had consulted a medium named Patty Lekawa.  It had given her much comfort, answered questions she had, and helped her make sense of things.


We telephoned Patty soon after the doctor told us about her.  Her husband answered the phone, and talked to us for a while. (His name is "Pat" so when you call, you will talk to Pat or Patty...usually Pat.)


He said people who take their own lives tend to feel better as soon as they are out of the body that was causing them so much misery, often doe to faulty brain chemistry.    He said sometimes these spirits do not have much to say at first because they feel embarrassed about the decision they made.  But of course they do not know that at the time, all they want to do is stop the pain.


He told me Patty requires people to listen to an aaudio tape before their first visit, so they can know how Patty works, and what to expect.


he also told me to write a letter to Maris the night before I visit Patty.  I brought along Maris's dog tags because Ray thought Patty would need to handle them to connect with Maris.


This is not the case.  Patty is not doing a reading for Maris.  she is doing one for me.  That is why she wanted to hold something of  MINE not something of Maris's.  I brought along my silver ankh pendant, because it is the object with which I have been in the longest continuous contact (worn almost continuously since 1968)


It took me a year to finally take this step..


I recently paid a visit to Patty.  It was a very good experience.  I can highly recommend Patty, and am happy to refer people to her.


Patty does not allow people to tape their session with her; but she does encourage them to take notes.  She also writes down thoughts that come to her onto a yellow notepad, and at the end of the session she gives them to the client.


Here are the notes from March 18.


 Patty starts a reading by holding hands with the client and praying for healing energy.  She is a Reiki teacher.  The she  tries to identify the family relationships among the spirits who come.  She needs feedback to know she is reading for the correct person (sometimes the reading can be for someone else in the same vicinity...if that happens, she gives back the money and re-schedules the reading for another day). John Edward says some readings fail because people do not know their family tree well enough to recognize the spirit who is trying to come through.


Patty got the letters "A L" and asked me if I had a son whose name starts with those letters.


That would be Alex.


She said there was a handsome young man standing behind me saying "Hello Mother." She saw him salute, and asked me if he was in the military.  He said "I'm so glad you are here.  I couldn't wait, I couldn't wait."


(This was my first visit to a medium.  I should have asked a question here, to clarify if he meant "couldn't wait to talk to me?" or "couldn't wait any longer in this lifetime."  Next time I will know I can ask these questions either during the reading or after.)


Maris and I used to talk on the phone frequently when he was in Hawaii.    This is the longest I have ever gone without talking to him.  I couldn't wait, either.  I miss him unbearably.


Patty said her throat seemed to close up.  She said she could not swallow. (Maris's lungs were sensitive due to his experiences in the preemie nursery.  He developed asthma in high school.  The first time he had an attack we had no idea what was happening and rushed him to the ER. His throat closed up and he could not breathe.  Was this what she meant?  or was it that on his last day, his friends said  he was not speaking?  had his throat closed up?  was he not speaking because he was unable to? they said he did not talk on the phone, but sent some text messages instead.  Why?  I should have asked for clarification.)


Patty said it felt to her as if someone had grabbed her ankle, and was brushing their hands around her legs or ankles.  She asked me if Maris had something going on with his legs or ankles.


(Spirits indicate something about health or body by pointing to that part of themselves, or an another person.  the medium only conveys the info about the body part, but cannot interpret what it means to the sitter.  In this case  it was not until the next day I wondered if  the ankle referred to myself because i injured my left ankle by falling down the stairs a few years ago and it has hurt ever since.  But Maris had shin splints that caused pain when he ran.  So it seemed to refeer to both of us.)


She told me Maris said he is with us every minute.  He says "I get the cats riled up."  Patty says he plays with the cats.


She also asked me about an Egyptian connection.  Maris told her about Isis and Horus.  She asked me if Isis was the Queen.  I said that Isis was the mother of Horus. 


Patty said Maris was learning from Horus, but that Horus is under the supervision of Master Abraham.  


She said Maris was standing between my Dad and Ray's Dad. 

Patty said Ray's Mom appeared with Maris.  She blew me a kiss and a hug and said "Honey, we have him.  Do not worry."   Patty said then my own Mom also appeared and said "Hello, Dear." , Patty said Mom is a "strong stern lady." Mom blew me a kiss and hug and said "It's OK."  

Patty says I have a very big hole in my heart and Maris says "Time to heal, time to heal." Patty says I am ready to heal and I must heal. 

She says Maris is not dead. " He just took off his skin."  He is with us every moment.  He checks in on Alex and Philip often. Patty says his spirit is at our side. Maris said  "Every waking moment we are at your side."

Patty says occasionally they split up to help someone else.  But then they turn back again.  She saw maris turn and put his hands out like the Ka hieroglyph around someone, and a moment later he turned back again. She  asked about someone named Helen.  Probably Auntie Helen, my Mom's best friend.  Patty said Aunt Helen came to say hello, too.

She said Maris says "Relax, you have to relax."  Patty said to stop my "anxiousness."  i.e. "need to know"," let go of control."  She says it will be easier for Maris to come through if I relax.

Patty saw the image of a branch.  She tried to figure out which branch of the military Maris and Alex  are connected with.  She thought Marines and Army.

(The questions I wrote down to ask  were not the right ones.  I am new at talking to mediums and spirits. Fortunately Patty has been doing this a long time and asked some questions for me)

  Maris said "Yes!  Yes! there were shenanigans."

(I should have asked what he meant by "shenanigans."  This might refer to things people around him did.  The police, the military, others).  

Patty said in order to really get to the bottom of what happened, Ray and I would need to hire a lawyer, to get to the right people. Certain individuals would need to be subpoenaed. She said Maris did not want us to go through this, it would be a long expensive process and in spite of the shenaniganss, it was Maris's choice.   She asked him if the military was at fault.  Maris replied, "Not really."

Maris needs me to know  two important things:

1)  Everything is in divine order

and

2)There are no (never) any accidents or coincidences.

You can look for all the "Why's."

Maris says "Clearly I am so sorry.  I never wanted to cause you and Dad and my brothers so much pain. Please release this hurt and anger.  Mom, forgive.  Let it go now.  No blame, no guilt, no shame.  Please hear me. Please please let it go. Please release this."

Patty said she kept feeling touches on her legs...something about walking.  

(Was it about all the hikes? the shin splints? he ran so much it gave him shin splints, and took long to heal up.  Not being able to run was hard for him)

Patty sensed something about a young child and a stuffed animal.

(was it Sheepy?)

She said one of the kids had an imaginary playmate. 

 (Alex and Philip denied it was them.  Could it have been Maris?  maybe it was me.  I had many imaginary playmates.) 

Patty told me about thinking on different generational levels.  Sometimes "above" means a previous generation; "below" can mean a future generation or a child.  She said "To be a spirit child or children."  Patty thinks these playmates might not have been imaginary.  They might be spirit children of  deceased siblings.  

(I had a miscarriage in 1986 of twin girls, and one later, maybe 1987.)

Patty said she saw two boys and a girl with Maris.  She said sometimes a female with more masculine traits will come across as male.  She needs feedback to be able to differentiate.    We knew the twins were girls because the doctor told us.  We have no idea what the later one was.  Also Patty said I have a deceased brother.  I knew Mom had a miscarriage when I was very young.  Patty says it was a boy.  These spirit children are with Maris.  Maris said to Patty, "Tell her I am with her brother."  He also said "Tell my mom I am standing next to a sibling." and "Hello from Auntie Helen."

She said the spirit of Helen felt like a dear aunt. 

(Yes, that is what she was to me.  Aunt Helen had a son and a daughter.  When i was in high school, the son died mysteriously.  In retrospect, I think he was seriously depressed.  One day he was found dead on his bed.  there was a bottle of pills but no idea what they were.  This son, named Richard wojcik, was a very kind person.  At the time I knew nothing about depression.  Richard never went out of the house.  He watched TV all day, mostly baseball.  He ate way too much food.    He would sometimes call my mother and want to talk to her.  Mom was Richard's godmother.  Sometimes the phone would ring, and Mom would answer it, and no one answered.  she often speculated this might be Richard calling her but not saying anything.  When Richard died, the phone calls stopped.  I have often contemplated the similarities between Richard and Maris, and wondered if Maris might be Richard incarnated.  It might explain why Aunt Helen kept appearing in this reading.)

Spirit of another lady came through, gave the letter "E"  I do not know if this is Aunt Ev (who is still alive) or Aunt Estelle (Mom's cousin) or Emilia, who was Mom's baby sister who died around 1916-1918.  Patty said she only got an E, no other letters.  Patty saw a Star of David around this lady and wondered if there was a Jewish connection or a Jewish business thing. She had an image of them shaking hands, as if on a business deal.   No idea what this might mean.  But Patty said to do everything to enrich that relationship. Our family may have Jewish ancestors without knowing it.  My mitochondrial DNA is Haplogroup K1.

At that point, Patty told me to look out the window to see the hawk that was sitting on an electric pole outside.  What a blessing! and maybe a message from Horus.

Patty told me I need to push myself to do more healing arts or Reiki for other people.  She said this would enrich my internal growth and strengthen my faith. "Pushing Deena towards internal growth."    "Enrich you."  "Faith = believe without seeing.  Enrich your intuitiveness.

Patty asked me if I knew what spirit kisses felt like.  She said they feel like a feathery touch, a tickle on your cheek, a bug in your hair, a tickle on your nose,  or a hair you can't brush away.

Maris says, "I kiss you every day."  

Sometimes spirits express themselves as ringing in your ear, a smell of smoke, fragrance of cologne (e.g. Old Spice or Polo), cooking smells, flowers (e.g. roses or lilacs),...Spirits love to make sounds such as knocks, raps, and taps..  They also love to play with electricity, like the light, TV, phone, or radio going on and off.  Sometimes the phone will ring but the message is "no data sent;" sometimes this is spirit.    Start paying attention to these, and just acknowledge the spsirits are here.  The fragrances may have different meanings for different people.

Maris says, "Mom, I hear you every day, every night.  I am so with you.  I know what you wrote in my letter, I understand...I understand...I understand...I understand.."

He showed Patty a large shamrock.  Patty said Maris said "Please draw the shamrock."  She also saw a shillelagh and the Blarney Stone. She asked if we are Irish, or if we are planning a trip to Ireland.  She says Maris wants for us to go to Ireland, and is doing everything possible to make it a reality.  He says "GO!"  

Patty asked Maris again "Did anyone do anything to you?" and he said "No."  

She asked him "Did you take your own life?" and he said "Yes."  

She asked him, "Was the military at fault?" and he said "No, not really."  

She asked "Do we need to get an attorney? Should there be a lawsuit?   

to which he answered "No, no, no.  Mom, I am responsible for my own actions, it was my choice.  Listen to me!  I am responsible, I am so sorry, I never meant to.  I felt like I could not live up to certain things."  Patty said Maris was in pain, he just wanted the pain to stop.

He says "Please understand --I've had to do my soul review--I know all that now--I was depressed--I am different now--I just wanted the pain to stop.  I couldn't live up to what I thought people wanted me to be."

He felt he had to be what others wanted him to be.  He tried to fit in, and be all he could be--he bought into that and could not meet those expectations.  

He said, "Am I happy?  no...but I am at peace, and i need you to know that.  I have the best of the best around me.  Jesus came and guided me.  And Mother Mary held me in her arms and told me I was safe."

Patty asked if there was an autopsy.  She saw no drugs.

Patty thinks Maris was bipolar, and asked me if he was ever checked for dopamine levels, etc.  She says in hindsight with proper meds he might have overcome thbe depression .  But Maris says "It is what it is.  You did nothing wrong.  In no way are you at fault."

Patty could tell Maris was involved with computers

He said there was a girl who broke up  with him.  He said "I was devastated."  He really, really cared for her, and could not believe it dissolved.  Patty said he could not overcome this deep darkness.

Maris talked about a ring that he wants to give to Philip, and a medallion that he wants Alex to have.  Patty was not exactly sure what this was.  It might be a badge, tags, or something else.  He says it is something I need to pass along to them.  

She also says I need to let go of his stuff because i spend too much time inhaling the aroma of his clothes.

Well, I will try.  But it may take a while.

So that was what I recorded about my reading with Patty.

I should have asked more questions of Maris about his experiences, and not so many about thinhgs I wanted to know that he might have the answer to....

I should have asked about the police.  And gotten a couple names.

I asked Patty what does it mean when I wake up in the middle of the night, and feel very bad very down, and am unable to fall back  asleep?  She said when that happens to her, she gets up and sits in a certain chair and gives spirit some special alone time.  sometimes she falls back asleep.

I asked her how I can best help Maris now.  She said to help him by talking to him.  Every day, ask God to use light for the highest good, take the love and use it for the highest good.

Then Patty's timer rang, and that was the end of the reading.

I hope to go back to Patty some time, now that I know what it is like to be read by a medium.

Yesterday At LightSource

We visited Light Source Church on March 5 because we wanted to see their presentation by a girl named Kendall, whose sister Hillary  took her own life 3 years ago when Kendall was 9 years old and her sister was 12.  Kendall wrote a book about her experiences, and her mom started a foundation called Hilary's Hope.


It was interesting to see how people deal with suicide, and how they respond to it. 


 Rev. Patty Lekawa shared some statistics about suicide, which is the third leading cause of death among young people.  Third is pretty high.  Patty refers to it as an epidemic, and something needs to be done.  

The presentation seemed to be more about education, awareness, and prevention.  But it also offered some comfort to survivors by explaining that the decision to take one's own life may be a necessary part of that soul's journey, and an agreement made before they incarnated.  It is very important that the person must not be judged or condemned in any way for their decision.   

Patty  played two music videos that portrayed different aspects of the experience..  The first one was How Do You Get That Lonely by Blaine Larsen.  

Blaine Larsen - How Do You Get That Lonely (Official Music Video). Watch more top selected videos about: Blaine Larsen

The other video was F**kin' Perfect by Pink.  

Two different outcomes.

The Tunnel of Healing was also very powerful.  Not a good idea to resist the urge to allow the energy to knock you down, because you end up with a crick in your neck.  The alternative is to allow trained helpers to catch you before you hit the floor. 


There were no  messages for us, and we were really tired by the time we left at 11:45 pm.  But I dreamed about Maris that night.  He was very little in the dream, which seemed to be about rediscovering and sorting toys from when they were children.  He was playing with a white plastic toy stroller with lavender and pink flowers on it.  It had been purchased for him to help him learn to walk better.  when I work up, I realized we never had such a toy, although we did own a white and blue toy stroller that was decorated with a smurf.  I do not recall who we purchased it for...perhaps the daycare?  as it had come from a resale shop.  They used to enjoy putting their stuffed animals in it for a ride.


The meaning of the dream?  not readily apparent.  But I hope it will come to me.

Bridge To Forgiveness

I am having a very hard time forgiving myself for what happened to Maris.  Ignorance is no excuse.  I am hoping this book will help.

When I pulled it off the shelf at work, just holding it made tears well up.  This book has a llot of heling in it.

I wish I could be like the people who wrote this book.

On one of the first pages it says:

"The first twenty years, you grow up.  The second twenty years, you heal from growing up...By the time you're forty, get over it.  We are human, and many mistakes were made in your growing up.  Take the next twenty years to heal, and then move on.  By the, you are what you are and you aren't what you are not."

I am having a very hard time moving on.I did not spend the next twenty years healing.  I spent the second twenty years making more mistakes.

Now, when I am supposed to be accepting myself and moving on, I am seeing myself as completely unacceptable but trying to heal from the first forty years.

I really want this book to help.