April 26, 2010

April 26 marked the 6 month anniversary of Maris's death.

We did not do anything special to observe it because we could not think of anything else that we were already doing.

W#e already have a full-time altar dedicated to Maris, at which we place offerings and light candles. I talk to him daily. When I have time I read to him. I pray for him daily.

These special dates are about special time set aside, as much as special actions or things.

Nothing much has changed. Maris is still the first and last thought in my mind every morning and night. I say prayers for him daily, along with the people he may have hurt in past lives so that he may be freed of any encimbering bonds that hold him back. I pray especially for angry or spirituallu powerful people who may have set bonds on him that are extremely difficult to break. I send healing to him daily.

I thought we would have forever, when Maris got out of the Air Force in September 2010. I have learned no one has forever. You only have the present moment, and you must never put anything off "untikl the right moment." THIS moment may be the only one you have, and it has to be be good enough.

We have stopped the one-on-one bereavement counseling because we found ourselves running the same tape over and over, which was monotonous for us and I am sure also for ojur counselor. And we felt we did not need to waste her time with that. But we still atend the monthly LOSS meetings, because it is such a relief to be in a group of people where we are free to be ourselves, and nat have to be afraid of anything we might say or do. No one has to walk on eggshells or feel self-conscious there. And I always come away with really good ideas and insights. We are still hoping to become part of an 8-week survivors program,k though.

I still cry a lot. I still have to think of Maris constantly, because if I don't, I am hit with a giant wave of emotion when I start thinking about him again.

I have not yet learned how to let go of him. Maybe that is the most important thing. I hate to think I am holding him back from healing and peace because I just can't let go.

I finally went to Confession last week, for the first time in many years, because I thought if I could hear someone say I was forgiven for everything I have ever done that might have led up to Maris;s death, perhaps I would then be able to forgive myself. It is also my way of clearing my inner decks for passage into the next life for myself.

I still feel as if my life has been changed forever, and that it is not even the same life I thought it was.. For years I had gone around feeling that I was in a transitional state of waiting for some kind of major change; but I did not know what it was. Every horrible thing that has ever happened was only a pale weak shadow of this event; and whatever happens after this...whether it be disease, earthquake, the loss of my house, the destruction of my city, the death of everyone arounbd me...it will only be a weak echo of the loss of Maris. The meaning and purpose has gone out of my life. Nothing can ever come along that could ever replace maris.

We are thinking ahead to Maris's 1 year anniversary on October 26, and to his 23rd birthday on November 16. Perhaps the people who treasure Maris will be able to get together with us on those days to remember and celebrate him in a special way.

Pisanki

We have always made Pisanki for Easter in our family.

Maris loved making Pisanki.

I made this Pisanka for Maris.

I chose the design elements with certain things in mind.

It is red, white, and blue to honor his military service,of which we were so proud and grateful.

An 8-pointed star represents regeneration. Baptismal fonts, for example, are 8-sided. The rays of the sun illuminate the 8 directions. The 8-pointed star represents the sun as well.

The ladders represent travel and communion between the worlds of the living and the dead.

The flowers represent the beauty of nature.

There are so many other motifs and colors I could have used. But I will make another Pisanka for Maris next year. The story will go on forever. As long as someone makes Pisanki, the world will go on existing.

Hymn To the Sun

Here is another prayer we said, just as the sun was appearing over the horizon on Easter Sunday morning.

Maris was there with us in spirit, and it was easy to surround him with the radiance of this prayer and the one by Burton.

A Hymn In Praise of Aten
written by
King Akhenaten, c.1365 BC

Thy dawning is beautiful in the horizon of heaven
O living Aten, beginning of life!
When thou risest in the eastern horizon of heaven
Thou fillest every land with thy beauty,
For thou art beautiful, great, glittering, high over the earth,
Thy rays, they encompass the lands, even all thou hast made.
Thou art Ra, and thou hast carried them all away captive;
Thou bindest them by thy love.
Though thou art afar, thy rays are on earth;
Though thou art on high, thy footprints are the day.

When thou settest in the western horizon of heaven
The world is in darkness like the dead,
They sleep in their chambers
Their heads are wrapped up,
Their nostrils stopped and none seeth the other,
Stolen are all their things that are under their heads,
While they know it not.
Every lion cometh forth from his den,
All serpents, they sting.
Darkness reigns.
The world is in silence
He that made them has gone to rest in his horizon.

Bright is the earth,
When thou risest in the horizon,
Wwhen thou shinest as Aten by day.
The darkness is banished,
Wwhen thou sendest forth thy rays,
The Two Lands are in daily festivity,
Awake and standing upon their feet,
For thou hast raised them up,
Their limbs bathed they take their clothing;
Their arms uplifted in adoration to thy dawning,
Then in all the world they do their work.

All cattle rest upon their herbage,
All trees and plants flourish,
The birds flutter in the marshes,
Their wings uplifted in adoration to thee,
All the sheep dance upon their feet,
All winged things fly,
They live when thou hast shone upon them.

Thou art he who createst the man-child in wwomen,
Who makest seed in man,
Who giveth life to the son in the body of his mother,
Who soothest him that he may not weep,
A nurse even in the womb.
Who giveth breath to animate every one that he maketh.

When the chicklet crieth in the egg-shell
Thou givest him breath therein, to preserve him alive.
When thou hast perfected him
That he may pierce the egg,
He cometh forth from the egg,
To chirp with all his might;
He runneth about upon his two feet,
When he hath come forth therefrom.

How manifold are all thy works!
They are hidden from before us
O thou sole god, whose powers no other possesseth.

Easter Prayer

This is one of the prayers we recited at the shore of Lake Michigan right before the sun came up on Easter.

It is from the book In the Light of a Child: a Journey Through the 52 Weeks of the Year In Both Hemispheres For Children and For the Child In Each Human Being by Michael Hedley Burton. The prayers reflect what is happening in Nature and within ourselves. The series begins with Easter.

From heaven above comes sunlight streaming;
Shining, glistening and gleaming.
My silver crescent-cup is filled,
(Be careful that it is not spilled),
Such joy weaves round me everywhere
In water and earth and in light-filled air.
A wave of joy in me as well
Springs from my heart, a surging swell.
By joy I'm taught my God to know.
I am his child--he tells me so.

Easter Sunday Morning

It is customary for our family to make the pilgrimage to the shore of Lake Michigan on Easter Sunday morning to wait for sunrise.

You must arrive when it is totally dark. It is darkest before dawn, and sometimes the wait for the sun in cold and darkness can seem very long. There is an irrational feeling the sun might not rise.

I walked out onto our front porch at 3 am, and beheld a beautiful large somewhat waning moon. I figured if we could see the moon and the stars, we would also be able to see the sun.

The birds were starting to sing as we left the house.

The streets were mostly deserted. It was very still. Philip played Beatles music for us. How perfect to hear this in the dark stillness of Easter morning...

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Blackbird fly Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to
arise.

...and that was followed by...

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
It's all right


Right before the sun rose, we read the prayer for Easter by Rudolf Steiner...and as it was rising, we read the hymn to the sun by Akhenaten.

It was beautiful.

This sunrise was for you, Maris.

I felt I had to do this this year especially for Maris. I wanted him to see the beauty of the sunrise through our eyes, and to be part of our family gathered there in w aiting. We could not see much, but we could feel Maris.

Here is a series of pictures we took that morning.

Good Friday

From The Expected One by Kathleen McGowan:

"Praetorus took Easa's body and laid it gently across the lap of the Great Mary. She held him to her then, allowing herself to weep openly for the loss of her beautiful son. Mary Magdalene came to kneel beside her, and the Great Mary held them both. They remained together in that position of mourning for a very long time."