April 26, 2010

April 26 marked the 6 month anniversary of Maris's death.

We did not do anything special to observe it because we could not think of anything else that we were already doing.

W#e already have a full-time altar dedicated to Maris, at which we place offerings and light candles. I talk to him daily. When I have time I read to him. I pray for him daily.

These special dates are about special time set aside, as much as special actions or things.

Nothing much has changed. Maris is still the first and last thought in my mind every morning and night. I say prayers for him daily, along with the people he may have hurt in past lives so that he may be freed of any encimbering bonds that hold him back. I pray especially for angry or spirituallu powerful people who may have set bonds on him that are extremely difficult to break. I send healing to him daily.

I thought we would have forever, when Maris got out of the Air Force in September 2010. I have learned no one has forever. You only have the present moment, and you must never put anything off "untikl the right moment." THIS moment may be the only one you have, and it has to be be good enough.

We have stopped the one-on-one bereavement counseling because we found ourselves running the same tape over and over, which was monotonous for us and I am sure also for ojur counselor. And we felt we did not need to waste her time with that. But we still atend the monthly LOSS meetings, because it is such a relief to be in a group of people where we are free to be ourselves, and nat have to be afraid of anything we might say or do. No one has to walk on eggshells or feel self-conscious there. And I always come away with really good ideas and insights. We are still hoping to become part of an 8-week survivors program,k though.

I still cry a lot. I still have to think of Maris constantly, because if I don't, I am hit with a giant wave of emotion when I start thinking about him again.

I have not yet learned how to let go of him. Maybe that is the most important thing. I hate to think I am holding him back from healing and peace because I just can't let go.

I finally went to Confession last week, for the first time in many years, because I thought if I could hear someone say I was forgiven for everything I have ever done that might have led up to Maris;s death, perhaps I would then be able to forgive myself. It is also my way of clearing my inner decks for passage into the next life for myself.

I still feel as if my life has been changed forever, and that it is not even the same life I thought it was.. For years I had gone around feeling that I was in a transitional state of waiting for some kind of major change; but I did not know what it was. Every horrible thing that has ever happened was only a pale weak shadow of this event; and whatever happens after this...whether it be disease, earthquake, the loss of my house, the destruction of my city, the death of everyone arounbd me...it will only be a weak echo of the loss of Maris. The meaning and purpose has gone out of my life. Nothing can ever come along that could ever replace maris.

We are thinking ahead to Maris's 1 year anniversary on October 26, and to his 23rd birthday on November 16. Perhaps the people who treasure Maris will be able to get together with us on those days to remember and celebrate him in a special way.