Guilt

I keep hearing about how bad guilt is.

The book I am reading by James Van Praagh about ghosts says that guilt affects the health of the person experiencing it. But it also has a bad effect on the spirits of our deceased loved ones. It can hold them back from going forward into the light; and is generally distressing to their well being.

This is the best reason for healing my own guilt.

It's not that I don't have lots to feel guilty about. But wallowing in guilt may be harming Maris's spirit.

The Bach Flower Remedy Pine can alleviate guilt.

If I had not reacted to everything over the years with such guilt, it might have been easier to see that Maris had a mental condition that needed to be treated. Maybe I was not the cause of every single difficult day he experienced.

When he came down with an illness, we always reacted appropriately and treated it, or took him to the ER, or whatever was required. How then could we not see that he needed help in other areas?

Well, let's not start all over again with the guilt.

Sharon, our counselor at L.O.S.S., keeps reminding me I am not god....i.e. that if my influence (or lack of) was so powerful, I would be a god).

I maintain I have plenty to feel guilty about. But I realize now that my guilt is not helping Maris, and I need to heal it. Harming my own 2nd and 3rd chakras is the least of my worries.

Forgiving myself may be the most difficult thing I have ever done. But if it helps Maris, and brings him some measure of peace, I will do it.

...and if Maris had survived the HPD...

...would I be any wiser? or would I still be blundering in the dark, assuming everything was OK, as i had for the 22 previous years? would we all blithely continue on our merrym unawakened ways, never knowing how close we had come to the abyss?

or...

would I actually go on to heal that tiny baby in the neonatal intensive care nursery as i had been told to do by the whisperings in my mind?

is the Abyss, in some way, essential to our awakening?

Unfortunately we went into it and never emerged..

Some people go into a metaphysical abyss. Others go into an emotional or mental or spiritual abyss. Some go into all four.

Some lucky people, like James Joyce, the author of Araby, have epiphanies before the abyss can swallow them.

Agony; Anguish

more words that apply to my condition these days....

ag·o·ny:
1. The suffering of intense physical or mental pain.
2. The struggle that precedes death.
3. A sudden or intense emotion: an agony of doubt.
4. A violent, intense struggle.

an·guish:
Agonizing physical or mental pain; torment. Synonym: regret.

Definitions

Horror = A painful emotion of fear, dread, and abhorrence; a shuddering with terror and detestation; the feeling inspired by something frightful and shocking.

Disbelief = incredulity; doubt about the truth of something; unpreparedness, unwillingness, or inability to believe that something is the case; astonishment.

Shock = daze; the feeling of distress and disbelief that you have when something bad happens accidentally; strike with horror or terror; a sudden jarring impact; inflict a trauma upon.

These are the main feelings I experience these days.

Black Holes

On and off for several months, I have been thinking a lot about Black Holes. I wonder if Maris was thinking about them, too.

I think my psyche was more connected to Maris than I realized. I wish I had realized that sooner, and that these thoughts were not originating within myself.

We have both gone into a metaphysical Black Hole. Sometimes I feel as if I AM a Black Hole.

I have fallen into a Black Hole and gone into another universe. This is NOT the universe I thought I knew.

Will we ever come out?

The Sea of Grief

Grief is like the ocean. It keeps coming in waves.

Sometimes the waves are continuous and gentle, and they are just part of me but not really noticeable. Other times they are large and powerful and very insistent. But they are always there.

I notice that if I am distracted by mundane things, and not aware of the grief for a while, it is almost as if the grief had been dammed up for a period of time; because when I become aware of it again, it comes at me in a really big wave, all at once.

For this reason, I need to find ways of letting grief pour through me continually. Because the little waves are easier to deal with than the big ones.

The Latin word "maris" means "of the sea."

Everything reminds me of Maris.

One Third of My Light is Gone

"And the fourth angel sounded the trumpet: and the third part of the sun was smitten, and the third part of the moon, and the third part of the stars, so that the third part of them was darkened. And the day did not shine for a third part of it: and the night in like manner." (Rev.8:12)

I have three sons. One of them is in the spirit world.

On October 26, 2009. one third of the light in my sky went away.