Guilt

I keep hearing about how bad guilt is.

The book I am reading by James Van Praagh about ghosts says that guilt affects the health of the person experiencing it. But it also has a bad effect on the spirits of our deceased loved ones. It can hold them back from going forward into the light; and is generally distressing to their well being.

This is the best reason for healing my own guilt.

It's not that I don't have lots to feel guilty about. But wallowing in guilt may be harming Maris's spirit.

The Bach Flower Remedy Pine can alleviate guilt.

If I had not reacted to everything over the years with such guilt, it might have been easier to see that Maris had a mental condition that needed to be treated. Maybe I was not the cause of every single difficult day he experienced.

When he came down with an illness, we always reacted appropriately and treated it, or took him to the ER, or whatever was required. How then could we not see that he needed help in other areas?

Well, let's not start all over again with the guilt.

Sharon, our counselor at L.O.S.S., keeps reminding me I am not god....i.e. that if my influence (or lack of) was so powerful, I would be a god).

I maintain I have plenty to feel guilty about. But I realize now that my guilt is not helping Maris, and I need to heal it. Harming my own 2nd and 3rd chakras is the least of my worries.

Forgiving myself may be the most difficult thing I have ever done. But if it helps Maris, and brings him some measure of peace, I will do it.

Final Text Message Sent

Bye

sent October 26, 1:14 am

it was 5:14 am here in Chicago.

was I awake? why did I not know what was happening in Hawaii? Why did I not know?

In the immortal words of Holden Caulfiend: "sleep tight, ya morons!" (Catcher In The Rye, J. D. Salinger)

Agony; Anguish

more words that apply to my condition these days....

ag·o·ny:
1. The suffering of intense physical or mental pain.
2. The struggle that precedes death.
3. A sudden or intense emotion: an agony of doubt.
4. A violent, intense struggle.

an·guish:
Agonizing physical or mental pain; torment. Synonym: regret.

Time and Excuses

Never, never, never take anything for granted. Call the people you love NOW, even if you are tired and not thinking straight. You might not get another chance. Let them know you love them and are thinking about them. Do not worry about waking them up. Do not worry if it is a very short conversation. Just call them. And be sure to tell them you love them.

Definitions

Horror = A painful emotion of fear, dread, and abhorrence; a shuddering with terror and detestation; the feeling inspired by something frightful and shocking.

Disbelief = incredulity; doubt about the truth of something; unpreparedness, unwillingness, or inability to believe that something is the case; astonishment.

Shock = daze; the feeling of distress and disbelief that you have when something bad happens accidentally; strike with horror or terror; a sudden jarring impact; inflict a trauma upon.

These are the main feelings I experience these days.

The Sea of Grief

Grief is like the ocean. It keeps coming in waves.

Sometimes the waves are continuous and gentle, and they are just part of me but not really noticeable. Other times they are large and powerful and very insistent. But they are always there.

I notice that if I am distracted by mundane things, and not aware of the grief for a while, it is almost as if the grief had been dammed up for a period of time; because when I become aware of it again, it comes at me in a really big wave, all at once.

For this reason, I need to find ways of letting grief pour through me continually. Because the little waves are easier to deal with than the big ones.

The Latin word "maris" means "of the sea."

Everything reminds me of Maris.