Prayer of Forgiveness from "The Aleph" by Paolo Coelho

I just finished reading The Aleph by Paolo Coelho.  This book is completely enthralling...particularly the Prayer of Forgiveness.

My own prayer of forgiveness evolves.  I will blog about it in a separate blog post.

The prayer that Paolo Coelho includes in The Aleph seemed very significant to me.  In fact the entire book is most significant.  It dovetails with my own experiences and thoughts, and sheds light on them.  Forgiveness is a huge part of being able to survive the experience of losing Maris.  It is the only element in this never-ending nightmare that enables it to make any sense at all.

This prayer articulated much of what has been going through my consciousness.  It is very powerful.

"I forgive [who] I was, not because I want to become a saint but because I do not want to endure this hatred. This tiresome hatred...

I am liberated from hatred by means of forgiveness and love. I understand that suffering, when it cannot be avoided, helps me to advance towards glory...

The tears I shed, I forgive.

The suffering and disappointments, I forgive.

The betrayals and lies, I forgive.

The slandering and scheming, I forgive.

The hatred and persecution, I forgive.

The punches that were given, I forgive.

The shattered dreams, I forgive.

The dead hopes, I forgive.

The disaffection and jealousy, I forgive.

The indifference and ill will, I forgive.

The injustice in the name of justice, I forgive.

The anger and mistreatment, I forgive.

The neglect and oblivion, I forgive.

The world with all its evil, I forgive...

Grief and resentment, I replace with understanding and agreement.

Revolt, I replace with music that comes from my violin.

Pain I replace with oblivion.

Revenge, I replace with victory.

I will be able to love above all discontentment.

To give even when I am stripped of everything.

To work happily even when I find myself in the midst of all obstacles.

To dry tears even when I am still crying.

To believe even when I am discredited...

Thy will be done. Thy will be done."

Your Eternal Self

I attended the IANDS meeting on 12 November 2011.  In the audience was R. Craig Hogan, author of Your Eternal Self.  This interesting book is available online as an e-book.

Here is what Dr. Hogan writes about suicide:

"People who commit suicide are met with compassion and understanding on the next plane of life. There is no judgment or condemnation. However, there is great sadness among all living on the next plane of life when the suicide victim arrives, and he or she feels deep remorse. That person sees the grief family and friends still on Earth suffer, because their thoughts and emotions are known by the person who has committed suicide. Many attend the funeral unseen, and because they then understand that life really is eternal, they realize that they could have worked out the problems and lived full lives with those who loved them on Earth, but now the opportunity is gone. What could have been a wonderful, rewarding life has been cut off. And in the afterlife, the person still has to face and work out the problems he or she was experiencing, but with all the remorse and sadness that accompanies the suicide.
Suicide is not an alternative if the body is free of unbearable pain. Most difficulties will pass with time and the person will live a rewarding life, growing, learning, loving, and experiencing. And the problems still must be faced in the afterlife, with the added burdens of remorse and knowing that nothing can now be done to go back to life to make things better and have a joyful, fruitful lifetime."

Other people at the meeting said that the suicide is received into the next life with great love and compassion, and extra help is given to them.  However, they have to re-do that life, with all its challenges,  because there are lessons they still need to learn and master, and there is no other way to do this than to come back to the physical world and try again.

I have not found a section of the book where Dr. Hogan addresses the effect of bindings from previous lifetimes.

Bridge To Forgiveness

I am having a very hard time forgiving myself for what happened to Maris.  Ignorance is no excuse.  I am hoping this book will help.

When I pulled it off the shelf at work, just holding it made tears well up.  This book has a llot of heling in it.

I wish I could be like the people who wrote this book.

On one of the first pages it says:

"The first twenty years, you grow up.  The second twenty years, you heal from growing up...By the time you're forty, get over it.  We are human, and many mistakes were made in your growing up.  Take the next twenty years to heal, and then move on.  By the, you are what you are and you aren't what you are not."

I am having a very hard time moving on.I did not spend the next twenty years healing.  I spent the second twenty years making more mistakes.

Now, when I am supposed to be accepting myself and moving on, I am seeing myself as completely unacceptable but trying to heal from the first forty years.

I really want this book to help.

Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

Currently reading Girl With the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson.

Lisbeth reminds me of Maris. 

I will let you know how it goes.

When Ghosts Speak

I have been reading When Ghosts Speak by Mary Ann Winkowski, who is the consultant for the show Ghost Whisperer.  She specializes in communicating with earthbound spirits.

I do not necessarily feel that Maris is earthbound.  But this is not something we can know for certain.

Sometimes I come across pertinent sections in books like this, and I share them here.  I am exploring topics I never knew about before.  It is all new, and I need to know as much as I can.

Sylvia Browne

I am reading Psychic: My Life in Two Worlds, by Sylvia Browne.

I came across the following:

please do as Sylvia says.  Of course we have no knowledge that comes from direct experience of the Spirit World.  But in case there really is a Holding Place, please pray every day for these sous.  It sounds as if prayers, positive energy, and healing can help them.  Let's all do this unceasingly.

Songs of the Humpback Whale

I just finished this book. It made me think a lot about Maris.

Songs of the Humpback whale is by Jodi Picoult.

Here is one passage that touched me:

"I used to think, before this whole incident, that parental love was supposed to be unconditional . I believed that Rebecca would naturally be tied to me because I had been the one to bring her into the world. I didn't connect this with my own experience. When I could not love my father, I assumed there was something wrong with me. But when they carried Rebecca in here from the stretcher of the ambulance, I came to see things differently. If you want to love a parent you have to understand the incredible investment he or she has in you. If you are a parent, and you want to be loved, you have to deserve it.
Suddenly I am dizzy with guilt. "What do you want me to say, Rebecca?"
Rebecca will not look at me. "Why do you want me to forgive you? What do youo get out of it?"
Absolution, I think, the first word that comes to my mind. I get to protect you from what I went through. "Why do I want you to forgive me? Because I never forgave my father, and I know what it will do to you...I never forgave him because I thought that way I would have the last laugh. But he won. He's in me."

Darkness Visible

I just finished reading Darkness Visible: a Memoir of Madness by William Styron.

It is a quick read. Lycky for Styron he was taken to a hospital before he ended his life, because he was making plans in that direction.

It only gradually dawned on him what his problem was. It seemed to take him a long time to deeduce it objectively. His shrink sounds pill-oriented, and did not come across as very dedicated or caring or even very bright.

As Styron is a good writer, it was interesting to read his description of deprerssion and suicidal thoughts.

I seem to be reading exclusively this kind of thing these days. I compare different writers' descriptions because I hope in this way to derive a composite image that might help me understand. Each book I have read so far adds another piece to the puzzle.

But I am still at the stage where I am sorting the puzzle pieces by color and shape. And I have no idea what the picture even is.

It sounds as if Styron's issues were worsened by having the wrong prescription. And beinig in the hospital made him feel more peaceful and secure, which also helped his state of mind. So of course he thinks highly of this approach. And he had nothing else standing in the way of his from taking this approach.

Lucky for him.

I have not read anything else by Styron, but I have seen the movie Sophie's Choice, which was omne of the most disturbing movies I have seen, and so agonizing to watch that I am not sure I have the strength to read anything more by him.

Thinking of having to be Sophie is possibly the closest one can come to the feeling of what depression might feel like: It is a description of a very cruel and evil universe. I am happy for Styron that he began to feel better,

The Power of Now

I just finished reading The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle.

It was extremely enlightening. I am finally starting to feel an inner shift, as if an inner window may be opening.

What a sense of relief comes from remembering to step back from an emotion, as soon as I feel it gathering itself, and observe it, and remind myself "You are not your thoughts. You are not your feelings." That moment of stepping back and observing results in a moment of total peace. That moment is like dropping a tiny seed, which takes root, and spreads tis tendrils through the rest of one's life.

Those roots and tendrils crack the walls of the facade created by the mind, which creates a false sense of identity, separateness, and imprisonment.... rays of brillians of true being shine through the cracks.

Tolle's books have been very healing for me. They have enabled me to reaize that what goes through the mnd is not what identifies you as a person. The mind is a problem solving tool that can cut you off from your true identity, which is beyond thought.

NOW is all you have. The past is a memory. The future is imaginary. NOW is what is real. If you do not do something NOW, you will not do it EVER; because the future is not real. Now is all that is real.

I have always known that (in my mind) but I did not fully realize the meaning of now.

If I had understand the true meaning of NOW, which is all there is, I would not always be waiting for Maris to come home on leave...or get out of the Air Force...because the future does not exist.

Now is all you have.

The now is the well of the sacred.

Anyway, read the book. It may very well save your life...or someone else's.

If you want to experience true inner peace for the first time, read The Power of Now

The Graveyard Book, by Neil Gaiman

I bought copies of this wonderful book to give as Halloween gifts to a bunch of people last fall.

I wanted everyone to read it, because I enjoyed it so much, and thought it was a special book. I hoped Maris would enjoy it, too.

It is about a boy who is orphaned as an infant, and raised by ghosts and other graveyard characters. Much of the plot revolves around his forming connections, learning who he is and how to believe in himself, and solving the murder of his mother.

It will appeal to everyone who feels like an outsider, or doesn''t fit in. It shows how you can be raised under unusual conditions by people who care about you, and end up having a good heart and good character, and being a fine, intelligent, original person.

I mailed a copy to Maris on October 20, thinking he would get it well before Halloween. I never realized how slow the mail service is to Hawai,,,or that there was any rush.

The book did not arrive until some time after October 26. I am very disappointed about that. It might have cheered Maris up.

Hawaii

We went to Hawaii for a memorial service for Maris that took place on November 10, 2010. We were not able to stay for as long as we would have liked.

We wanted so much to see where Maris worked, and some of his favorite places.

Anna referred us to some shops that, sadly, were no longer in business.

But we did spend some time with Cheryl Niggle of Serendipity Riches. She is a lovely person, and was very kind to us.

Serendipity Riches is a gift shop where Cheryl can do a reading for you. She is an intuitive tarot reader, channeler, astrologer, numerologist, and reiki master.

Serendipity Riches is at 1427 Whitney St., Honolulu HI, 96822.

You can call Cheryl at (808) 949-4711 or email her at serendipitybooks@aol.com .

H87 1116

I was driving home from work the other day, listening to Healing Grief : Reclaiming Life After Any Loss, by James Van Praagh, in my car. One of the things it talked about was how spirits sometimes try to contact loved ones in whimsical ways. I was wondering if Maris was going to try this.

I had to stop for a red light at Harms and Dempster, and ahead of me was a car with the license plate H87 1116.

Maris was born in 1987, 11th month, 16th day.

I could not help wondering if the owner of the license plate had some karmic connection with us.

I also wondered about the H.

Could stand for either heaven or hell.

The poet of the Rubaiyat, Omar Khayyam, wrote...

I sent my soul into the invisible,

Some letter of that after life to spell.

And by and by my Soul returned to me

And answered, I Myself am heaven and hell.

Next morning as I was driving to work I was still wondering about the H. The very next car I saw had a license plate that started with H, structured like the other one, but with numbers I can't recall and that seemed meaningless at the time. So maybe it means nothing.

In terms of numerology, H is the 8th letter of the alphabet. (They even resemble each other, except the loops of the H are open at top and bottom.) 4s and 8s have to do with the struggle, effort, burdens and limitations of the material world. Wikipedia says 8 = power/sacrifice.

According to Numberquest, H = "H is the numerical equivalent of 8 and represents creativity and power. This letter has a great deal of business acumen and will therefore find profits through most endeavors. When it is the first consonant of a name the bearer is likely to be successful in business. Negatively, it can be self absorbed and selfish."

My favorite numerology expert is Dusty Bunker. She co-authored some amazing books with Faith Javane.

Verse 8 of the Rubaiyat goes:

Whether at Naishapur or Babylon,
Whether the Cup with sweet or bitter run,
The Wine of Life keeps oozing drop by drop,
The Leaves of Life keep falling one by one

I will keep my eyes open for other instances of the number 8 and the letter H. Jonathan pointed out that the number 8 sideways symbolizes eternity.

H could simply stand for Hi!

Thank you, Maris. I love you so much.

Two Kinds

There are 2 kinds of people in the world: those who are suicidal and those who are not.

Maybe there is a suicide gene, same as there is an addictive personality gene. Obviously if you have the suicide gene, your chances of having it removed from the gene pool are high

At the last L.O.S.S. meeting, a young woman who had had suicidal thoughts herself spoke up to reassure people that she did not contemplate suicide because she felt unloved or rejected or abused. She said the only person she wanted to get away from was herself.

This was extremely enlightening to me. I am grateful she shared this insight. I might never have stumbled upon it on my own.

I have regretted knowing so little about psychology in general and suicide in particular. I browsed the books about suicide in the library catalog the other day, but felt unmotivated to read the books because it seemed like too little too late.

My total ignorance about this subject did not help Maris. If I had been less ignorant, I might have recognized the signs.

The other 2 kinds of people in the world are those who prefer either Brave New World or 1984.

I would never choose to live in Brave New world because I dedicatemyself totally to the Truth; and likving in a doped-up state like the citizens of Brave New world would be extrem,ely distasteful to me. Harsh as it is, at least the citizens of 1984 knew the reality. They had to live with the reality that they destroyed history and committed other atrocities, but at least they were aware of the truth in spite of being powerless.

1984 is a grim book. It is ironically the last thing Maris read before he died.

A New Earth

Someone came to the Reference Room last summer and wanted a copy of A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. They praised this book very mighly, and said they had heard it was indispensible reading.

Now that i have finally read it, i agree.

Everyone in the world should read this book.

I wish i had read it as soon as I became aware of it. If I had, I would have bought a copy and sent it to Maris. If I had, he might still be here.

Maris said he did not like his thoughts. I told him everyone has thoughts they do not like, and we are judged less by our thoughts than by our actions. I mentioned that if he REALLY did not like his thoughts, he might consider seeking psychological counseling. i had no idea.

Until I read this book, I did not have the conceptual framework and background to discuss these things. I believe it would have helped Maris feel so much better.

I did not realize the extreme to which Maris did not like his thoughts. His statements to me were so calm and so subtle. Like the tip of an enormous iceberg gently sailing on the dark ocean.

This book makes clear that you are not your thoughts. It makes clear that the human mind is fundamentally flawed, and the human race is essentially insane. we can only become aware of who we really are by not identifying with what we think.

There is so much more to this book. I hope everyone reads it.

Here is a look inside:

Summary
Humanity now, perhaps more than in any previous time, has an opportunity to create a new, saner, more loving world. In very practical terms, Tolle leads readers into this new consciousness to learn to live and breathe freely. Distributed by Syndetic Solutions, Inc.
Table of Contents
Chapter 1 The Flowering of Human Consciousness
Evocation
The Purpose of This Book
Our Inherited Dysfunction
The Arising New Consciousness
Spirituality and Religion
The Urgency of Transformation
A New Heaven and a New Earth

Chapter 2 Ego: The Current State of Humanity
The Illusory Self
The Voice in the Head
Content and Structure of the Ego
Identification with Things
The Lost Ring
The Illusion of Ownership
Wanting: The Need for More
Identification with the Body
Feeling the Inner Body
Forgetfulness of Being
From Descartes's Error to Sartre's Insight
The Peace That Passes All Understanding

Chapter 3 The Core of Ego
Complaining and Resentment
Reactivity and Grievances
Being Right, Making Wrong
In Defense of an Illusion
Truth: Relative or Absolute?
The Ego Is Not Personal
War Is a Mind-set
Do You Want Peace or Drama?
Beyond Ego: Your True Identity
All Structures Are Unstable
The Ego's Need to Feel Superior
Ego and Fame

Chapter 4 Role-playing: The Many Faces of the Ego
Villain, Victim, Lover
Letting Go of Self-Definitions
Pre-established Roles
Temporary Roles
The Monk with Sweaty Palms
Happiness as a Role Vs. True Happiness
Parenthood: Role or Function?
Conscious Suffering
Conscious Parenting
Recognizing Your Child
Giving Up Role-playing
The Pathological Ego
The Background Unhappiness
The Secret of Happiness
Pathological Forms of Ego
Work-With and Without Ego
The Ego in Illness
The Collective Ego
Incontrovertible Proof of Immortality

Chapter 5 The Pain-Body
The Birth of Emotion
Emotions and the Ego
The Duck with a Human Mind
Carrying the Past
Individual and Collective
How the Pain-Body Renews Itself
How the Pain-Body Feeds on Your Thoughts
How the Pain-Body Feeds on Drama
Dense Pain-Bodies
Entertainment, the Media, and the Pain-Body
The Collective Female Pain-Body
National and Racial Pain-Bodies

Chapter 6 Breaking Free
Presence
The Return of the Pain-Body
The Pain-Body in Children
Unhappiness
Breaking Identification with the Pain-Body
"Triggers"
The Pain-Body as an Awakener
Breaking Free of the Pain-Body

Chapter 7 Finding Who You Truly Are
Who You Think You Are
Abundance
Knowing Yourself and Knowing About Yourself
Chaos and Higher Order
Good and Bad
Not Minding What Happens
Is That So?
The Ego and the Present Moment
The Paradox of Time
Eliminating Time
The Dreamer and the Dream
Going Beyond Limitation
The Joy of Being
Allowing the Diminishment of the Ego
As Without, So Within

Chapter 8 The Discovery of Inner Space
Object Consciousness and Space Consciousness
Falling Below and Rising Above Thought
Television
Recognizing Inner Space
Can You Hear the Mountain Stream?
Right Action
Perceiving Without Naming
Who Is the Experiencer?
The Breath
Addictions
Inner Body Awareness
Inner and Outer Space
Noticing the Gaps
Lose Yourself to Find Yourself
Stillness

Chapter 9 Your Inner Purpose
Awakening
A Dialogue on Inner Purpose

Chapter 10 A New Earth
A Brief History of Your Life
Awakening and the Return Movement
Awakening and the Outgoing Movement
Consciousness
Awakened Doing
The Three Modalities of Awakened Doing
Acceptance
Enjoyment
Enthusiasm
The Frequency-holders
The New Earth Is No Utopia