My Valentine From Maris

I brought some Sweethearts ("the official candy of love") to work today. People emjoy seeing what message they get, and each piece has only 4 calories.

As I was pouring the bag of Sweethearts into the container, one of them bounced out onto the counter.

Its message was: "Miss You." Itwas purple, my favorite color.

A message from Maris? or my own heart's message to him?

Has anyone done a scientific study of Sweethearts to see how many messages there are. "Miss You" articulates what is in my own heart more than just about any of the other messages.

The ones closest to the top of the bowl say "Tweet Me"...."Hey Babe"..."Me & You"..."Meet Me"..."Marry Me" I got bored with that project pretty fast.

Thank you for my purple heart, Maris.

I love you eternally and infinitely, on this Valentine's Day and always.

Guilt

I keep hearing about how bad guilt is.

The book I am reading by James Van Praagh about ghosts says that guilt affects the health of the person experiencing it. But it also has a bad effect on the spirits of our deceased loved ones. It can hold them back from going forward into the light; and is generally distressing to their well being.

This is the best reason for healing my own guilt.

It's not that I don't have lots to feel guilty about. But wallowing in guilt may be harming Maris's spirit.

The Bach Flower Remedy Pine can alleviate guilt.

If I had not reacted to everything over the years with such guilt, it might have been easier to see that Maris had a mental condition that needed to be treated. Maybe I was not the cause of every single difficult day he experienced.

When he came down with an illness, we always reacted appropriately and treated it, or took him to the ER, or whatever was required. How then could we not see that he needed help in other areas?

Well, let's not start all over again with the guilt.

Sharon, our counselor at L.O.S.S., keeps reminding me I am not god....i.e. that if my influence (or lack of) was so powerful, I would be a god).

I maintain I have plenty to feel guilty about. But I realize now that my guilt is not helping Maris, and I need to heal it. Harming my own 2nd and 3rd chakras is the least of my worries.

Forgiving myself may be the most difficult thing I have ever done. But if it helps Maris, and brings him some measure of peace, I will do it.

Moths

They are talking about moths on NPR.

what a horror!

I have a moth phobia. My skin is now crawling. Maybe I should just turn off the radio.

At one point Maris was diagnosed with a social phobia. Is a social phobia like a moth phobia in quality? Do you sweat at the mere thought of having to deal with people?

I used to have that problem. I was terrified of people. People told me I was shy. I think shyness and social phobia are 2 different things.

Mom said I was unkind to people. I just wished people would leave me alone; Is that shyness? or is it social phobia? or is it simply a matter of bad character?

Maybe Maris and I went through life thinking we were bad when we merely had a social phobia.

I kept telling him that what makes a person good or bad is not what goes through their mond, or what they feel, but the choices they make.

If you have a social phobia, or if you have dysthymia, do you really have free will? what can you choose or not choose?

Not sure when I finally overcame my terror of people. Maybe I just got so used to it I stopped thinking about it. I will never be gregarious. But at least I can sort of function around people better than I could when I was a little kid.

And I certainly do wish the best for people. Being terrified of people is not at all the same as wishing them harm.

I have good intentions towards people, and I know Maris did, too.

I am sad that I passed along defective genes to Maris. The last thing I wished for him was to have to go through what I went through growing up. But it was even worse.

Where Am I?

it has been a few months...more than three...since we lost our dearest son Maris.

it has been the longest three months of my life.

I am starting to suspect this is that place they told us about when we were growing up, where very bad people go to be tormented. My life has become Hell.

I have an extremely hard time believing that if you find yourself in Hell, and if you are willing to make changes, and pray, that you will have to stay there for eternity. For a few lifetimes, maybe, but not for all eternity.

If this is Hell, I will do my best to get myself out of here, and rescue as many others as possible

Three months can seem like an eternity.

Final Text Message Sent

Bye

sent October 26, 1:14 am

it was 5:14 am here in Chicago.

was I awake? why did I not know what was happening in Hawaii? Why did I not know?

In the immortal words of Holden Caulfiend: "sleep tight, ya morons!" (Catcher In The Rye, J. D. Salinger)

Agony; Anguish

more words that apply to my condition these days....

ag·o·ny:
1. The suffering of intense physical or mental pain.
2. The struggle that precedes death.
3. A sudden or intense emotion: an agony of doubt.
4. A violent, intense struggle.

an·guish:
Agonizing physical or mental pain; torment. Synonym: regret.

Definitions

Horror = A painful emotion of fear, dread, and abhorrence; a shuddering with terror and detestation; the feeling inspired by something frightful and shocking.

Disbelief = incredulity; doubt about the truth of something; unpreparedness, unwillingness, or inability to believe that something is the case; astonishment.

Shock = daze; the feeling of distress and disbelief that you have when something bad happens accidentally; strike with horror or terror; a sudden jarring impact; inflict a trauma upon.

These are the main feelings I experience these days.

Black Holes

On and off for several months, I have been thinking a lot about Black Holes. I wonder if Maris was thinking about them, too.

I think my psyche was more connected to Maris than I realized. I wish I had realized that sooner, and that these thoughts were not originating within myself.

We have both gone into a metaphysical Black Hole. Sometimes I feel as if I AM a Black Hole.

I have fallen into a Black Hole and gone into another universe. This is NOT the universe I thought I knew.

Will we ever come out?

The Sea of Grief

Grief is like the ocean. It keeps coming in waves.

Sometimes the waves are continuous and gentle, and they are just part of me but not really noticeable. Other times they are large and powerful and very insistent. But they are always there.

I notice that if I am distracted by mundane things, and not aware of the grief for a while, it is almost as if the grief had been dammed up for a period of time; because when I become aware of it again, it comes at me in a really big wave, all at once.

For this reason, I need to find ways of letting grief pour through me continually. Because the little waves are easier to deal with than the big ones.

The Latin word "maris" means "of the sea."

Everything reminds me of Maris.