Out of the Shadows

During October 2011, radio station WBEZ ran an excellent series, Out of the Shadows: Preventing Child Suicide.


It focused on youth aged 14 to 24, which is the group especially at risk.


This excellent series was too little too late for our own family; but it will help others---if everyone tunes in and listens to it.  


I did not get to listen to every episode because they aired while I was at work.  But they are online, and everyone can benefit from hearing them--especially me.


All parents everywhere should be open-minded about the possibility that their child might have a mental illness or be suicidal, and they should educate themselves about the symptoms (or lack of symptoms, which in itself may be a symptom).  No one can afford tobe in denial about this, or closed-minded to the possibility because the symptoms of the suicidal mind are so subtle and ambiguous.


I want the whole world to know about Out of the Shadows so that all parents everywhere will be armed with the information they need.

Your Eternal Self

I attended the IANDS meeting on 12 November 2011.  In the audience was R. Craig Hogan, author of Your Eternal Self.  This interesting book is available online as an e-book.

Here is what Dr. Hogan writes about suicide:

"People who commit suicide are met with compassion and understanding on the next plane of life. There is no judgment or condemnation. However, there is great sadness among all living on the next plane of life when the suicide victim arrives, and he or she feels deep remorse. That person sees the grief family and friends still on Earth suffer, because their thoughts and emotions are known by the person who has committed suicide. Many attend the funeral unseen, and because they then understand that life really is eternal, they realize that they could have worked out the problems and lived full lives with those who loved them on Earth, but now the opportunity is gone. What could have been a wonderful, rewarding life has been cut off. And in the afterlife, the person still has to face and work out the problems he or she was experiencing, but with all the remorse and sadness that accompanies the suicide.
Suicide is not an alternative if the body is free of unbearable pain. Most difficulties will pass with time and the person will live a rewarding life, growing, learning, loving, and experiencing. And the problems still must be faced in the afterlife, with the added burdens of remorse and knowing that nothing can now be done to go back to life to make things better and have a joyful, fruitful lifetime."

Other people at the meeting said that the suicide is received into the next life with great love and compassion, and extra help is given to them.  However, they have to re-do that life, with all its challenges,  because there are lessons they still need to learn and master, and there is no other way to do this than to come back to the physical world and try again.

I have not found a section of the book where Dr. Hogan addresses the effect of bindings from previous lifetimes.

My Twin Soul

Maris may be my twin soul.

Perhaps this lifetime with Maris was preparation for a future lifetime in which we will continue working together.

How can we ever know? We can only listen to what is in our hearts.

Some things are true on an emotional or spiritual level but not true on a physical or intellectual level. Truth may be a very personal and private thing.

In any event, the main ritual we chose for this year's Goddess Festival was Sirius, Star of Isis, and its theme was twin souls.

Olivia says another characteristic of Indigos is that they live on an intellectual or mental level, rather than an emotional level. They do not display much feeling. Olivia thinks perhaps Maris and I needed this incarnation in order to learn about the nature of deep and traumatic feeling, and its effect on humans.

The nature of the mind is to understand; to find meaning; and to solve problems. That is its job.

In the face of mystery, the human brain struggles desperateley to make sense of things that are not logical or reasonable. Suicide is the greatest mystery of all. And so we struggle more despaerately than ever to understand.

The twin soul is that without which the other is not complete. It is a part of us that broke off lifetimes or aeons ago. The 2 parts of this soul need to be together.

It will always be a great mystery. All we can do is trust and accept.

Suicide Note

Some of Maris's things are missing. The sheath of his knife, also the crock pot lid and liner.....and the suicide note.

We were told there was a suicide note.

The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

I guess i am still in denial. I just can't believe Maris could harm himself. He was so strong. He was such a fighter. Surely this was a wrongful death perpetrated by the Honolulu Police Dept. which they covered up and blamed on him, when it was reallyt their fault.

Some days I think maybe there was some sort of cover operation going on, and they had to stage a very complicated and convincing replica. The body in the coffin was a very skillful replica. Maybe thatg is why the HPD would not allow maris's friends to go to him: because then they would know the truth, they would know it was either a murder or a setup or a fraud.

Some days I think I am losing my mind.

I guess I am still in denial.

When Maris was inelementary school, he had a hard time speaking his thoughts. But he did not write them down, either. His papers were always only a couple of lines long.....except in speech class, where he could actually speak enthusiastically a bout a topic about which he was excited, such as WW2 history or some military thing. The he would momentarily forget his social phobia.

So it seems out of character for him to have written the following note (which we do not have, but which was read to us over the phone by OSI):

"My life was wrong. I wasn't meant for this life. I don't know what I am supposed to learn. Maybe the next one will have a good lesson for me. My mind is terrible. I am evil inside.
Goodbye to my family, I will miss you, all of my friends as well.
No one had any input on my decision to do this by myself, no one is responsible but me.
I am sorry for who this hurts but I am on to my next life now, one of so many before.
Maris Butta"

That is the most he ever wrote in his life. I have not seen the note. OSI assures me it is his writing. I have a hard time believing that. Why was there no date? maybe this details did not occur to him.

The thought crossed my mind that perhaps this not got used over and over. Perhaps Maris was close to the edge often. Perhaps he brought this note out periodically...and at the end of the day maybe he put it away...for next time.

Part of me thinks someone else wrote it. Whoever set this event up. Or maybe it was copied from something on the internet.

I will never know.

I have really lost interest in this life. I want to be with Maris. I want to ask him all these questions in person. I want to hold him and tell him everythinig will be OK.

LOSS

The LOSS (Loving Outreach to Survivors of Suicide) Program is a support group for those who are grieving a death by suicide of a family member or close friend.

LOSS offers a safe, non-judgmental place where group members are assisted throughout the grieving process. The support and understanding of the trained clinicians coupled with the knowledge and first-hand experience of veteran LOSS members help survivors to realize that they are not alone, that they are not losing their minds, and that they will not feel this deep intense sadness for the rest of their lives.

We have benefited a lot from the 2 meetings we have attended so far.

Two Kinds

There are 2 kinds of people in the world: those who are suicidal and those who are not.

Maybe there is a suicide gene, same as there is an addictive personality gene. Obviously if you have the suicide gene, your chances of having it removed from the gene pool are high

At the last L.O.S.S. meeting, a young woman who had had suicidal thoughts herself spoke up to reassure people that she did not contemplate suicide because she felt unloved or rejected or abused. She said the only person she wanted to get away from was herself.

This was extremely enlightening to me. I am grateful she shared this insight. I might never have stumbled upon it on my own.

I have regretted knowing so little about psychology in general and suicide in particular. I browsed the books about suicide in the library catalog the other day, but felt unmotivated to read the books because it seemed like too little too late.

My total ignorance about this subject did not help Maris. If I had been less ignorant, I might have recognized the signs.

The other 2 kinds of people in the world are those who prefer either Brave New World or 1984.

I would never choose to live in Brave New world because I dedicatemyself totally to the Truth; and likving in a doped-up state like the citizens of Brave New world would be extrem,ely distasteful to me. Harsh as it is, at least the citizens of 1984 knew the reality. They had to live with the reality that they destroyed history and committed other atrocities, but at least they were aware of the truth in spite of being powerless.

1984 is a grim book. It is ironically the last thing Maris read before he died.