Suicide Note

Some of Maris's things are missing. The sheath of his knife, also the crock pot lid and liner.....and the suicide note.

We were told there was a suicide note.

The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

I guess i am still in denial. I just can't believe Maris could harm himself. He was so strong. He was such a fighter. Surely this was a wrongful death perpetrated by the Honolulu Police Dept. which they covered up and blamed on him, when it was reallyt their fault.

Some days I think maybe there was some sort of cover operation going on, and they had to stage a very complicated and convincing replica. The body in the coffin was a very skillful replica. Maybe thatg is why the HPD would not allow maris's friends to go to him: because then they would know the truth, they would know it was either a murder or a setup or a fraud.

Some days I think I am losing my mind.

I guess I am still in denial.

When Maris was inelementary school, he had a hard time speaking his thoughts. But he did not write them down, either. His papers were always only a couple of lines long.....except in speech class, where he could actually speak enthusiastically a bout a topic about which he was excited, such as WW2 history or some military thing. The he would momentarily forget his social phobia.

So it seems out of character for him to have written the following note (which we do not have, but which was read to us over the phone by OSI):

"My life was wrong. I wasn't meant for this life. I don't know what I am supposed to learn. Maybe the next one will have a good lesson for me. My mind is terrible. I am evil inside.
Goodbye to my family, I will miss you, all of my friends as well.
No one had any input on my decision to do this by myself, no one is responsible but me.
I am sorry for who this hurts but I am on to my next life now, one of so many before.
Maris Butta"

That is the most he ever wrote in his life. I have not seen the note. OSI assures me it is his writing. I have a hard time believing that. Why was there no date? maybe this details did not occur to him.

The thought crossed my mind that perhaps this not got used over and over. Perhaps Maris was close to the edge often. Perhaps he brought this note out periodically...and at the end of the day maybe he put it away...for next time.

Part of me thinks someone else wrote it. Whoever set this event up. Or maybe it was copied from something on the internet.

I will never know.

I have really lost interest in this life. I want to be with Maris. I want to ask him all these questions in person. I want to hold him and tell him everythinig will be OK.