Guilt

I keep hearing about how bad guilt is.

The book I am reading by James Van Praagh about ghosts says that guilt affects the health of the person experiencing it. But it also has a bad effect on the spirits of our deceased loved ones. It can hold them back from going forward into the light; and is generally distressing to their well being.

This is the best reason for healing my own guilt.

It's not that I don't have lots to feel guilty about. But wallowing in guilt may be harming Maris's spirit.

The Bach Flower Remedy Pine can alleviate guilt.

If I had not reacted to everything over the years with such guilt, it might have been easier to see that Maris had a mental condition that needed to be treated. Maybe I was not the cause of every single difficult day he experienced.

When he came down with an illness, we always reacted appropriately and treated it, or took him to the ER, or whatever was required. How then could we not see that he needed help in other areas?

Well, let's not start all over again with the guilt.

Sharon, our counselor at L.O.S.S., keeps reminding me I am not god....i.e. that if my influence (or lack of) was so powerful, I would be a god).

I maintain I have plenty to feel guilty about. But I realize now that my guilt is not helping Maris, and I need to heal it. Harming my own 2nd and 3rd chakras is the least of my worries.

Forgiving myself may be the most difficult thing I have ever done. But if it helps Maris, and brings him some measure of peace, I will do it.

Two Kinds

There are 2 kinds of people in the world: those who are suicidal and those who are not.

Maybe there is a suicide gene, same as there is an addictive personality gene. Obviously if you have the suicide gene, your chances of having it removed from the gene pool are high

At the last L.O.S.S. meeting, a young woman who had had suicidal thoughts herself spoke up to reassure people that she did not contemplate suicide because she felt unloved or rejected or abused. She said the only person she wanted to get away from was herself.

This was extremely enlightening to me. I am grateful she shared this insight. I might never have stumbled upon it on my own.

I have regretted knowing so little about psychology in general and suicide in particular. I browsed the books about suicide in the library catalog the other day, but felt unmotivated to read the books because it seemed like too little too late.

My total ignorance about this subject did not help Maris. If I had been less ignorant, I might have recognized the signs.

The other 2 kinds of people in the world are those who prefer either Brave New World or 1984.

I would never choose to live in Brave New world because I dedicatemyself totally to the Truth; and likving in a doped-up state like the citizens of Brave New world would be extrem,ely distasteful to me. Harsh as it is, at least the citizens of 1984 knew the reality. They had to live with the reality that they destroyed history and committed other atrocities, but at least they were aware of the truth in spite of being powerless.

1984 is a grim book. It is ironically the last thing Maris read before he died.

Living in the Twilight Zone

A strange phenomenon has been taking place in my mind recently.

There is a sense of unreality about Maris not being here.

I sometimes feel as if I might get a phone call telling me the ruse or the deception or the coverup or the simulation is now over, and Maris will be returned to us and evertything will be normal again.

Other times a feeling of agony washes over me, and my mind screams, "That's enough! i can't take any more, stop this simulation!"

i can't decide if it is like the holodeck...or like Twilight Zone.....or if i am just really losing my mind.

it is just really, really hard living without Maris.

Part of the problem is that it had been almost a year since we last saw him. Our only contact was the telephone. Maybe that is why I keep expecting the phone to ring.