Several times in November I have had people ask me how my Thanksgiving went. when I rolled my eyes and said, "It was OK" they quickly became serious and said, "I know..."
I am beginning to realize people think holidays make me suffer.
They don't get it.
They don't realize that l suffer every moment and the holidays are no worse than any other moment. Getting thrrough Thanksgiving without Maris was not nearly as bad as waking up every morning and realizing all over again he is not here any more.
Some people whose children died, or have taken their own lives, tell me the holidays are the worst.
I must disagree. The holidays are not the worst. Morning is the worst. That first awful realization. Then I start with the prayers, the recalling of wisdom, the stepping back from the flow of my thoughts. I go over what I need to do this new day. and eventually the ache of loss goes underground. It never subsides, or goes away. But it does go underground so I can function. Later, it will re-emerge, so that I can deal with it on my own time.
People need to stop inviting me out at the holidays because they assume i am suffering worse on those days. They do not realize how healing and joyful it is to cook a holiday dinner, and that it would be such a gift to allow me to do that.
I feel irritated when people assume my Thanksgiving was not so great because I am mourning Maris more on that day. I mourn Maris every minute of every day. If I seem to mourn him more on some days, that is because there is some kind of mysterious cycle in which I move. It is a cycle of waxing and waning. This cycle is not officially noted on the calendar. It comes from something else.
I am starting to wonder if what people are doing is pitying me; and no one appreciates pity. They do not realize the tremendous amount of inner, spiritual work I have done this year; and that does nto deserve pity.
Maybe my Thanksgiving was not so great because I was sitting there like a useless slug instead of having fun cooking a Thanksgiving meal, and being surrounded by friends I don't often get to relax with, along with family.
I have started telling people I miss Maris every minute of every day, not just on Thanksgiving, and not more on holidays. I am trying to get them to strop making assumptions.
I am grateful for the holidays, because they allow me to remember happy times with Maris.
Maris is part of me, and part of my life. Therefore, please let me live! encourage me to be active, and to enjoy life, and to think about Maris in a good way!...Let me have fun celebrating holidays in my own way, and come celebrate them with me...and above all, do nto pity me!!
I must rremember to step back from these feelings of resentment, and remind myself "I am not what I think."
Maybe next Thanksgiving...next holiday...will be different.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Thanksgiving Day 2010, cont'd
I continue to be thankful for Maris, and that he is part of our family.
He was a great mystery to me, from the earliest moment. A nurse at Columbus Hospital, where maris was born, told me he would be s ource of healing for me.
I think there are deep and mysterious things within me that need enormous healing. Maris could find no other way to help me heal other than through the drastic method he chose.
I think back on my extreme ignorance about suicide and depression. I was so abysmally ignorant, I was too stupid to even be worried about Maris. I mistakenly thought my goal was to keep him alive until he got past the rebellious teen years, then everything would be OK.
I look back now on the many years during which I now realize how deeply he was suffering, and I feel like collapsing at the thought of my profound negligence. I have been shocked into realizing what the disease of depression really is. I now know that people die of depression.
Now, when people tell me about their children and family members who are despondent or depressed, I tell them to take this very seriously. Sometimes patrons who come in to the library to check out books about depression behave apologetically, as if checking these books out is something they are ashamed of. Sometimes they tell me aboput their loved ones, who are going through something. i always tell them it is so wonderful they are doing this for their loved one. Privately, I think they are telling me about their loved one so I won't think they are really the one who is depressed...as if this were something wrong.
Other people tell me how grateful they are for tidbits of knowledge of depression I shared with them...for example, depression never goes away. Be happy for your loved one when they are doing well. But be ever vigilant. The depression has not gone away, and it never will. It can turn suicidal at any moment. This is not being negative. This is being realistic. People thank me for telling them this, and say they will never forget these words, as it could save their loved one's life some day.
For this I am grateful.
I am grateful that Maris might be helping others in this way, through me...even though I wish it did not have to come about in this way.
I am grateful to Maris for everything he has taught me. I wish I could have learned it a different way. I am desperately sorry that maris's lifer was so short. But life is a Mystery, and the measurable things about life may not be the most important things about it to God, the Great Mystery.
I will always love you, Maris, and I will always be grateful for you.
He was a great mystery to me, from the earliest moment. A nurse at Columbus Hospital, where maris was born, told me he would be s ource of healing for me.
I think there are deep and mysterious things within me that need enormous healing. Maris could find no other way to help me heal other than through the drastic method he chose.
I think back on my extreme ignorance about suicide and depression. I was so abysmally ignorant, I was too stupid to even be worried about Maris. I mistakenly thought my goal was to keep him alive until he got past the rebellious teen years, then everything would be OK.
I look back now on the many years during which I now realize how deeply he was suffering, and I feel like collapsing at the thought of my profound negligence. I have been shocked into realizing what the disease of depression really is. I now know that people die of depression.
Now, when people tell me about their children and family members who are despondent or depressed, I tell them to take this very seriously. Sometimes patrons who come in to the library to check out books about depression behave apologetically, as if checking these books out is something they are ashamed of. Sometimes they tell me aboput their loved ones, who are going through something. i always tell them it is so wonderful they are doing this for their loved one. Privately, I think they are telling me about their loved one so I won't think they are really the one who is depressed...as if this were something wrong.
Other people tell me how grateful they are for tidbits of knowledge of depression I shared with them...for example, depression never goes away. Be happy for your loved one when they are doing well. But be ever vigilant. The depression has not gone away, and it never will. It can turn suicidal at any moment. This is not being negative. This is being realistic. People thank me for telling them this, and say they will never forget these words, as it could save their loved one's life some day.
For this I am grateful.
I am grateful that Maris might be helping others in this way, through me...even though I wish it did not have to come about in this way.
I am grateful to Maris for everything he has taught me. I wish I could have learned it a different way. I am desperately sorry that maris's lifer was so short. But life is a Mystery, and the measurable things about life may not be the most important things about it to God, the Great Mystery.
I will always love you, Maris, and I will always be grateful for you.
Thanksgiving Day 2010
I spent so much time typing out the following prayer / blessing on Thanksgiving that I ended up not having enough time to blog. I emailed it to some friends and family members. But I want now to share it with everyone here who loves Maris:
thanksgiving contemplation by Gary Snyder (based on a Mohawk prayer):
"Gratitude to Mother Earth, sailing through night and day--
and to her soil: rich, rare, and sweet
in our minds so be it.
Gratitude to Plants, the sun-facing light-changing leaf
and fine root-hairs, standing still through wind
and rain, their dance in the flowing spiral grain
in our minds, so be it
Gratitude to Air, bearing the silent Swift and the silent
Owl at dawn. Breath of our song
clear spirit breeze
in our minds so be it
Gratitude to Wild Beings, our broythers, teaching secrets,
freedoms, and ways; who share with us their milk,
self-complete, brave, and aware
in our minds so be it
Gratitude to Water: clouds, lakes, rivers, glaciers,
holding or releasing, streaming through all
our bodies' salty seas
in our minds so be it
Gratitude to the Sun: blinding pulsing light through
trunks of trees, through mists, warming caves where
bears and snakes sleep--he who wakes us--
in our minds so be it
Gratitude to the Great Sky
who holds billions of stars--and goes yet beyond that--
beyond all powers, and thoughts
and yet is within us--
Grandfather Space.
The Mind is his Wife.
so be it."
thanksgiving contemplation by Gary Snyder (based on a Mohawk prayer):
"Gratitude to Mother Earth, sailing through night and day--
and to her soil: rich, rare, and sweet
in our minds so be it.
Gratitude to Plants, the sun-facing light-changing leaf
and fine root-hairs, standing still through wind
and rain, their dance in the flowing spiral grain
in our minds, so be it
Gratitude to Air, bearing the silent Swift and the silent
Owl at dawn. Breath of our song
clear spirit breeze
in our minds so be it
Gratitude to Wild Beings, our broythers, teaching secrets,
freedoms, and ways; who share with us their milk,
self-complete, brave, and aware
in our minds so be it
Gratitude to Water: clouds, lakes, rivers, glaciers,
holding or releasing, streaming through all
our bodies' salty seas
in our minds so be it
Gratitude to the Sun: blinding pulsing light through
trunks of trees, through mists, warming caves where
bears and snakes sleep--he who wakes us--
in our minds so be it
Gratitude to the Great Sky
who holds billions of stars--and goes yet beyond that--
beyond all powers, and thoughts
and yet is within us--
Grandfather Space.
The Mind is his Wife.
so be it."
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Rose Edwards
I received the following news in my email yesterday:
"
This morning ws my last chance to attend the visitation for Rose. I was home from work today, so I was able to easily go.
I have known Rose since the year our family first participated in the Easter morning sunrise vigil at the shore of Lake Michigan.
Rose was for many years the heart of the Anthroposophical community in Chicago. She and her husband Gordon were among the hardy group of Anthroposophists who met by the lake in the darkest part of the night to wait for sunrise.
there is something about being out in the world at that moment in the daily cycle when human energy level and frequency is at lowest tide. It is the darkest part of the night. This is where we start out from when we wait for sunrise on Easter Sunday Morning.
We start in total darkness, When our psychic energy is this low, it can feel like despair. It is a phenomenon that occurs during this deepest darkness of the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual world that makes me experience a moment of doubt and even panic regarding sunrise. Perhaps the sun will not rise. Perhaps my memory of daylight is not memory, but delusion.
Following this interval of doubt and panic, despair sets in. There is nothing now to do but wait and watch.
After a period of time...which always seems endless...we begin to be able to distinguish not just total unbroken darkness...but we think perhaps we see the outline of water meeting sand. Then we hear a bird.
And then little by little the world comes to life, and emerges from darkness...the waves get louder, the wind dets stronger, the birds swoop more and more energetically, the sky gets brighter and brighter in one spot until a single point of intensely golden light bursts into flame on the horizon, and rushes swiftly in a ray that shoots across the lake directly into our eyes.
The sun has risen, and it is Easter, we have been rescued from our momentary doubt and despair which had seemed infinite, and our beings are filled with light.
This experience was s gift from Rose to our family. I have a special memory of Maris and his brothers running all over the beach at sunrise hunting for goddess stones. That year they found a good many goddess stones, and they gave some of them to Rose. It was a perfect sunny morning, the lake glittered with countless specks of golden light as the sun bounded into the sky. We went to John Stolfo's studio on Loyola Ave. while Rose went to fetch breakfast, which was warm, rich, fragrant cinnamon rolls from Anne Sather's wonderful restaurant.
This is a happy memory, that inbcludes both Rose and Maris.
When I arrived at the church this morning and went downstairs to be with Rose one last time, there was a lady silently reading in the room . I put my hand on the silk-draped casket and silently communed with Rose for a few minutes, telling her how much i revered her, and thanking her for her kindness, inspiration, and wisdom; and that our paths had crossed in this lifetime.
As I walked around the room later, looking at the mementos and pictures that were there, the lady (named Mary) encouraged me to sit and look at a photo album.
There followed the best Anthroposophical conversation I have had in a long, long time. It was nourishment my soul had been craving; and it was a gift from Rose. It could not have happened without her bringing me there to that place at that time. Steiner encouraged renewal and freedom of the human spirit.
I tend to blame myself for everything whether it is my fault or not, and sometimes it is hard to tell which. I have felt guilty at times for not being more involved with the church and the Steiner branch.
Mary pointed out that Steiner provided guidance for people in various realms such as medicine, architecture, the arts, and religion. But he expected us to be our own doctor, our own priest. The church is there for people who want and need a church.
Hearing this put into words nearly brought tears of joy and relief. When you are filled enormous self-doubt and confusion, you can feel guilt at not being made another way. You feel shame at not being like most other people. You do not trust the truth that fills your own heart, and sometimes you turn away from it.
Mary and I talked about Maris, and she encouraged me to read Steiner's writings about suicide. She also encouraged me to immerse myself in happy thoughts and memories of Maris as that would enable his spirit to escape from the downward pull of remorse, guilt, and other heavy emotions fwkt by the survivors that can entrap spirits and keep them from moving on.
Sitting with our loved ones who have passed on, reading inspirational things to them, and having conversations about them, help their spirits to release from all their various bodies.
Our conversation, which was about Rose and the positive ways in which she had influenced our lives, also involved Maris; and it helped both of them. It allowed Rose to continue being a blessing to humanity, especially now that she can do it on a higher level. I believe this conversation between Mary and myself, which involved and included Rose, was very good for maris as well.
Steiner wrote a lot about our connection with the dead. I recently bought a book by him, called Staying Connected but have not yet finished reading it. Mary told me about another one called The Dead Are With Us. There are so many more...Between Death and Rebirth, and so on.
"So many books, so little time!"
When I left, I spoke aloud to Rose, thanking her once more for bringing inspiration and guidance to my life through our brief encounters. I thanked her for this special morning, and the good thoughts that would revive my life. I thanked her for her kindness to Maris, and for the blessing that his soul will always carry. And i asked her to say hello to him for me, and to look after him in the spirit world.
Thank you for everything, Rose, Please look after Maris.
"
Our Dearest Friend Rose Edwards crossed the threshold this last Sunday, November 14th, around 5:00pm in the evening.
Rose was a long term and very dedicated anthroposophist. She served on the Rudolf Steiner Branch Council for many years and was president for eight years. She was also a holder of the First Class of the Free School of Spiritual Science. Rose's passing is indeed a very great loss for all Members and Friends of the Anthroposophical Society.
Although Rose requested that an organized three-day vigil not be asked of the community, a closed casket with her body was taken to the Christian Community last evening. You are welcome to sit and read or pray with Rose. The Christian Community is at 2135 W. Wilson.
Gordon has requested that there be no flowers.
Visitation:
The church will be open form 5:00 am Wednesday morning until 1:00 am
Thursday morning, and from 5:00 am Thursday morning until 8:00 am.
You are welcome to sit with Rose at any time during these hours.
The funeral service for Rose Edwards has been scheduled for this Thursday afternoon, November 18th at 3:45pm at the Christian Community Church at 2135 W. Wilson.
A Memorial Reception will take place after the service at the Germania Club
108 West Germania Place. You are cordially invited to share your memories
and stories of Rose. Light refreshments will be served.
This morning ws my last chance to attend the visitation for Rose. I was home from work today, so I was able to easily go.
I have known Rose since the year our family first participated in the Easter morning sunrise vigil at the shore of Lake Michigan.
Rose was for many years the heart of the Anthroposophical community in Chicago. She and her husband Gordon were among the hardy group of Anthroposophists who met by the lake in the darkest part of the night to wait for sunrise.
there is something about being out in the world at that moment in the daily cycle when human energy level and frequency is at lowest tide. It is the darkest part of the night. This is where we start out from when we wait for sunrise on Easter Sunday Morning.
We start in total darkness, When our psychic energy is this low, it can feel like despair. It is a phenomenon that occurs during this deepest darkness of the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual world that makes me experience a moment of doubt and even panic regarding sunrise. Perhaps the sun will not rise. Perhaps my memory of daylight is not memory, but delusion.
Following this interval of doubt and panic, despair sets in. There is nothing now to do but wait and watch.
After a period of time...which always seems endless...we begin to be able to distinguish not just total unbroken darkness...but we think perhaps we see the outline of water meeting sand. Then we hear a bird.
And then little by little the world comes to life, and emerges from darkness...the waves get louder, the wind dets stronger, the birds swoop more and more energetically, the sky gets brighter and brighter in one spot until a single point of intensely golden light bursts into flame on the horizon, and rushes swiftly in a ray that shoots across the lake directly into our eyes.
The sun has risen, and it is Easter, we have been rescued from our momentary doubt and despair which had seemed infinite, and our beings are filled with light.
This experience was s gift from Rose to our family. I have a special memory of Maris and his brothers running all over the beach at sunrise hunting for goddess stones. That year they found a good many goddess stones, and they gave some of them to Rose. It was a perfect sunny morning, the lake glittered with countless specks of golden light as the sun bounded into the sky. We went to John Stolfo's studio on Loyola Ave. while Rose went to fetch breakfast, which was warm, rich, fragrant cinnamon rolls from Anne Sather's wonderful restaurant.
This is a happy memory, that inbcludes both Rose and Maris.
When I arrived at the church this morning and went downstairs to be with Rose one last time, there was a lady silently reading in the room . I put my hand on the silk-draped casket and silently communed with Rose for a few minutes, telling her how much i revered her, and thanking her for her kindness, inspiration, and wisdom; and that our paths had crossed in this lifetime.
As I walked around the room later, looking at the mementos and pictures that were there, the lady (named Mary) encouraged me to sit and look at a photo album.
There followed the best Anthroposophical conversation I have had in a long, long time. It was nourishment my soul had been craving; and it was a gift from Rose. It could not have happened without her bringing me there to that place at that time. Steiner encouraged renewal and freedom of the human spirit.
I tend to blame myself for everything whether it is my fault or not, and sometimes it is hard to tell which. I have felt guilty at times for not being more involved with the church and the Steiner branch.
Mary pointed out that Steiner provided guidance for people in various realms such as medicine, architecture, the arts, and religion. But he expected us to be our own doctor, our own priest. The church is there for people who want and need a church.
Hearing this put into words nearly brought tears of joy and relief. When you are filled enormous self-doubt and confusion, you can feel guilt at not being made another way. You feel shame at not being like most other people. You do not trust the truth that fills your own heart, and sometimes you turn away from it.
Mary and I talked about Maris, and she encouraged me to read Steiner's writings about suicide. She also encouraged me to immerse myself in happy thoughts and memories of Maris as that would enable his spirit to escape from the downward pull of remorse, guilt, and other heavy emotions fwkt by the survivors that can entrap spirits and keep them from moving on.
Sitting with our loved ones who have passed on, reading inspirational things to them, and having conversations about them, help their spirits to release from all their various bodies.
Our conversation, which was about Rose and the positive ways in which she had influenced our lives, also involved Maris; and it helped both of them. It allowed Rose to continue being a blessing to humanity, especially now that she can do it on a higher level. I believe this conversation between Mary and myself, which involved and included Rose, was very good for maris as well.
Steiner wrote a lot about our connection with the dead. I recently bought a book by him, called Staying Connected but have not yet finished reading it. Mary told me about another one called The Dead Are With Us. There are so many more...Between Death and Rebirth, and so on.
"So many books, so little time!"
When I left, I spoke aloud to Rose, thanking her once more for bringing inspiration and guidance to my life through our brief encounters. I thanked her for this special morning, and the good thoughts that would revive my life. I thanked her for her kindness to Maris, and for the blessing that his soul will always carry. And i asked her to say hello to him for me, and to look after him in the spirit world.
Thank you for everything, Rose, Please look after Maris.
Truth
"My motto: When in doubt, take a deep breath and just tell the truth." -- Sylvia Browne: Psychic: My Life In Two Worlds. c2010.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
People I Heard From Today
Geetanjali called to say she is remembering Maris.
The Air Force Office of Special Investigations called to say they received my FOIA request for the case file, which just arrived in their office yesterday. They say it willl be coming to us soon.
The Air Force Office of Special Investigations called to say they received my FOIA request for the case file, which just arrived in their office yesterday. They say it willl be coming to us soon.
2010 Birthday Party
Thank you so much to Peter, who got the ball rolling with Maris's birthday celebration.
Maris's annual birthday party was an event everyone looked forward to. There were a few years where it was not so well attanded...such as the year we had the party at a bowling alley on Western Ave....but most years it was a lot of fun.
It is hard NOT doing a party for Maris. Last year Ray and i felt so burned out by the time we got back from Hawaii on November 8 that we could not seem to make the mental effort required to pick up the phone or send a few emails to organize it. And it did not feel right. We realized we had let Maris down, we had let his friends down, and we had let ourselves down. It was not good. and it will not happen again.
This year, Maris's birthday celebration took place on November 14, the Sunday Before his birthday.
We ordered a stadium size pizza, bought some raw veggies to snack on, and a tiramisu birthday cake. We were not sure who would be there besides Peter, who was rounding people up, and Jeff, who said he would be there.
We were awed and amazed at everyone who came.
Sorry, guys, there will be more and better food next year.
Everyone lit a birthday candle for Maris and added it to the cake. Then we sang, made a wish or said a prayer dor Maris, and blew out the candles.
We visited for a while, and set off firecrackers.
I took pictures, which i will upload soon.
I do not want to leave anyone out, so i will not depend on my faulty memory for the names. I will check the list later, and be able to thank everyone by name. But I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for attending. It meant so much to Ray and me to continue our connection with you. You are part of Maris, and he is part of you.
Maris had faithful friends who still think of him. He was cared about. He meant a lot to people.
He still does.
Maris's annual birthday party was an event everyone looked forward to. There were a few years where it was not so well attanded...such as the year we had the party at a bowling alley on Western Ave....but most years it was a lot of fun.
It is hard NOT doing a party for Maris. Last year Ray and i felt so burned out by the time we got back from Hawaii on November 8 that we could not seem to make the mental effort required to pick up the phone or send a few emails to organize it. And it did not feel right. We realized we had let Maris down, we had let his friends down, and we had let ourselves down. It was not good. and it will not happen again.
This year, Maris's birthday celebration took place on November 14, the Sunday Before his birthday.
We ordered a stadium size pizza, bought some raw veggies to snack on, and a tiramisu birthday cake. We were not sure who would be there besides Peter, who was rounding people up, and Jeff, who said he would be there.
We were awed and amazed at everyone who came.
Sorry, guys, there will be more and better food next year.
Everyone lit a birthday candle for Maris and added it to the cake. Then we sang, made a wish or said a prayer dor Maris, and blew out the candles.
We visited for a while, and set off firecrackers.
I took pictures, which i will upload soon.
I do not want to leave anyone out, so i will not depend on my faulty memory for the names. I will check the list later, and be able to thank everyone by name. But I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for attending. It meant so much to Ray and me to continue our connection with you. You are part of Maris, and he is part of you.
Maris had faithful friends who still think of him. He was cared about. He meant a lot to people.
He still does.
Happy Birthday, Maris: November 16, 2010
Dear Maris,
You were born into my life on November 16, 1987. You were born into the next life on October 26, 2009. I did not spend as much time with you as I wanted. My life will never be the same again. I am no longer afraid of dying. I miss you. I am trying to think only of the love.
I am sorry I have not done much blogging lately. That is mainly because my thoughts have become so repetitious, which makes for monotonous reading (and writing.) When I finish getting caught up doing laundry, paying bills, and organizing the office, I will have time to go back to scanning your pictures and telling the stories that go with each one.
I miss you so much, and I will love you forever.
You were born into my life on November 16, 1987. You were born into the next life on October 26, 2009. I did not spend as much time with you as I wanted. My life will never be the same again. I am no longer afraid of dying. I miss you. I am trying to think only of the love.
I am sorry I have not done much blogging lately. That is mainly because my thoughts have become so repetitious, which makes for monotonous reading (and writing.) When I finish getting caught up doing laundry, paying bills, and organizing the office, I will have time to go back to scanning your pictures and telling the stories that go with each one.
I miss you so much, and I will love you forever.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
November 16
November 16, 1987 was the day Maris was born into this world and into our lives.
November 16, 2008 was Maris's 21st birthday. He came home to celebrate celebrate his birthday and Thanksgiving with us. It was such a happy time. We all had so very much to be grateful for.
November 16, 2009 was a very difficult day to get through. I chose not to go to work that day. I stayed home and cried and prayed all day. We had talked about having an annual Maris Butta Birthday Party, but Ray and I had just come back from Oahu a couple days before, and we did not think we could pull it off. It was not fair to Maris or his friends, but our strength failed us.
This year, thanks to Maris's friend Peter, we have planned for Maris's annual birthday party. It is scheduled for Sunday, November 14.
November 16, 2010 is the date of this month's LOSS meeting. I was planning to start attending the board meetings of the Glenview History Center this month; but since November 16 is the day they meet this month, I do not think I can attend. And on the 3rd Tuesday of December, I will be celebrating the Winter Solstice with our circle.
On November 16, 2010 I am instead planning to attend the LOSS meeting, and will bring a birthday cake for Maris. I will ask everyone to light a candle for him , and to make a wish or say a prayer for him.
Maybe in January 2011 I will be able to start attending the Glenview History Center meetings. January will mark the start of a new year, and perhaps it will move all these special dates into a new day of the week and start a new cycle for us.
November 16, 2008 was Maris's 21st birthday. He came home to celebrate celebrate his birthday and Thanksgiving with us. It was such a happy time. We all had so very much to be grateful for.
November 16, 2009 was a very difficult day to get through. I chose not to go to work that day. I stayed home and cried and prayed all day. We had talked about having an annual Maris Butta Birthday Party, but Ray and I had just come back from Oahu a couple days before, and we did not think we could pull it off. It was not fair to Maris or his friends, but our strength failed us.
This year, thanks to Maris's friend Peter, we have planned for Maris's annual birthday party. It is scheduled for Sunday, November 14.
November 16, 2010 is the date of this month's LOSS meeting. I was planning to start attending the board meetings of the Glenview History Center this month; but since November 16 is the day they meet this month, I do not think I can attend. And on the 3rd Tuesday of December, I will be celebrating the Winter Solstice with our circle.
On November 16, 2010 I am instead planning to attend the LOSS meeting, and will bring a birthday cake for Maris. I will ask everyone to light a candle for him , and to make a wish or say a prayer for him.
Maybe in January 2011 I will be able to start attending the Glenview History Center meetings. January will mark the start of a new year, and perhaps it will move all these special dates into a new day of the week and start a new cycle for us.
September 11
September 11, 1893 is my grandmother Apolonia's birthday. She would have been 117 years old this year.
September 11, 2001 is the date of the 9/11 Attacks. It was also the date my mother had surgery for a broken hip, an accident that proved fatal for her.
September 11, 2010 is the date Maris's military obligation would have expired., and he would have been headed home.
September 11, 2001 is the date of the 9/11 Attacks. It was also the date my mother had surgery for a broken hip, an accident that proved fatal for her.
September 11, 2010 is the date Maris's military obligation would have expired., and he would have been headed home.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Weather on 10/26/2010
this is what we woke up to today:
from the NOAA website:
High Wind Warning
URGENT - WEATHER MESSAGE
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE CHICAGO IL
1124 AM CDT TUE OCT 26 2010
...DAMAGING WINDS POSSIBLE TODAY...
WINNEBAGO-BOONE-MCHENRY-LAKE IL-OGLE-LEE-DE KALB-KANE-DUPAGE-COOK-
LA SALLE-KENDALL-GRUNDY-WILL-KANKAKEE-LIVINGSTON-IROQUOIS-FORD-
LAKE IN-PORTER-NEWTON-JASPER-BENTON-
INCLUDING THE CITIES OF...ROCKFORD...BELVIDERE...WOODSTOCK...
WAUKEGAN...OREGON...DIXON...DEKALB...AURORA...WHEATON...CHICAGO...
OTTAWA...OSWEGO...MORRIS...JOLIET...KANKAKEE...PONTIAC...
WATSEKA...PAXTON...GARY...VALPARAISO...MOROCCO...RENSSELAER...
FOWLER
A HIGH WIND WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT UNTIL 8 PM CDT /9 PM EDT/
THIS EVENING.
* WINDS...SOUTHWEST AT 30 TO 40 MPH...WITH GUSTS TO 60 MPH.
* IMPACTS...NON SECURE OBJECTS MAY BECOME AIRBORNE. FALLING TREE
LIMBS AND POWER OUTAGES ARE LIKELY...WITH TRAFFIC SIGNALS ALSO
EXPECTED TO BE AFFECTED RESULTING IN SIGNIFICANT TRAVEL
DELAYS. TRAVEL WILL ALSO BECOME DIFFICULT...WITH HIGH PROFILE
VEHICLES BECOMING DIFFICULT TO CONTROL.
PRECAUTIONARY/PREPAREDNESS ACTIONS...
A HIGH WIND WARNING MEANS A HAZARDOUS HIGH WIND EVENT IS EXPECTED
OR OCCURRING. SUSTAINED WIND SPEEDS OF AT LEAST 40 MPH OR GUSTS
OF 58 MPH OR MORE CAN LEAD TO PROPERTY DAMAGE.
it is still and peaceful now; but this morning at 6 a.m. it was very dark and extremely windy. 60,000 people lost their electrical power because of downed power lines. Flights our of O'Hare have been canceled as well.
We keep checking Olivia's flight info for updates, but so far so good.
The wind was whistling and moaning through every crack; and all night long the bedroom door was rattling.
Maris loved this kind of weather. Maybe he wanted to let us know he is thinking of us. so he sent a nice windstorm our way.
from the NOAA website:
High Wind Warning
URGENT - WEATHER MESSAGE
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE CHICAGO IL
1124 AM CDT TUE OCT 26 2010
...DAMAGING WINDS POSSIBLE TODAY...
WINNEBAGO-BOONE-MCHENRY-LAKE IL-OGLE-LEE-DE KALB-KANE-DUPAGE-COOK-
LA SALLE-KENDALL-GRUNDY-WILL-KANKAKEE-LIVINGSTON-IROQUOIS-FORD-
LAKE IN-PORTER-NEWTON-JASPER-BENTON-
INCLUDING THE CITIES OF...ROCKFORD...BELVIDERE...WOODSTOCK...
WAUKEGAN...OREGON...DIXON...DEKALB...AURORA...WHEATON...CHICAGO...
OTTAWA...OSWEGO...MORRIS...JOLIET...KANKAKEE...PONTIAC...
WATSEKA...PAXTON...GARY...VALPARAISO...MOROCCO...RENSSELAER...
FOWLER
A HIGH WIND WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT UNTIL 8 PM CDT /9 PM EDT/
THIS EVENING.
* WINDS...SOUTHWEST AT 30 TO 40 MPH...WITH GUSTS TO 60 MPH.
* IMPACTS...NON SECURE OBJECTS MAY BECOME AIRBORNE. FALLING TREE
LIMBS AND POWER OUTAGES ARE LIKELY...WITH TRAFFIC SIGNALS ALSO
EXPECTED TO BE AFFECTED RESULTING IN SIGNIFICANT TRAVEL
DELAYS. TRAVEL WILL ALSO BECOME DIFFICULT...WITH HIGH PROFILE
VEHICLES BECOMING DIFFICULT TO CONTROL.
PRECAUTIONARY/PREPAREDNESS ACTIONS...
A HIGH WIND WARNING MEANS A HAZARDOUS HIGH WIND EVENT IS EXPECTED
OR OCCURRING. SUSTAINED WIND SPEEDS OF AT LEAST 40 MPH OR GUSTS
OF 58 MPH OR MORE CAN LEAD TO PROPERTY DAMAGE.
it is still and peaceful now; but this morning at 6 a.m. it was very dark and extremely windy. 60,000 people lost their electrical power because of downed power lines. Flights our of O'Hare have been canceled as well.
We keep checking Olivia's flight info for updates, but so far so good.
The wind was whistling and moaning through every crack; and all night long the bedroom door was rattling.
Maris loved this kind of weather. Maybe he wanted to let us know he is thinking of us. so he sent a nice windstorm our way.
My Twin Soul
Maris may be my twin soul.
Perhaps this lifetime with Maris was preparation for a future lifetime in which we will continue working together.
How can we ever know? We can only listen to what is in our hearts.
Some things are true on an emotional or spiritual level but not true on a physical or intellectual level. Truth may be a very personal and private thing.
In any event, the main ritual we chose for this year's Goddess Festival was Sirius, Star of Isis, and its theme was twin souls.
Olivia says another characteristic of Indigos is that they live on an intellectual or mental level, rather than an emotional level. They do not display much feeling. Olivia thinks perhaps Maris and I needed this incarnation in order to learn about the nature of deep and traumatic feeling, and its effect on humans.
The nature of the mind is to understand; to find meaning; and to solve problems. That is its job.
In the face of mystery, the human brain struggles desperateley to make sense of things that are not logical or reasonable. Suicide is the greatest mystery of all. And so we struggle more despaerately than ever to understand.
The twin soul is that without which the other is not complete. It is a part of us that broke off lifetimes or aeons ago. The 2 parts of this soul need to be together.
It will always be a great mystery. All we can do is trust and accept.
Perhaps this lifetime with Maris was preparation for a future lifetime in which we will continue working together.
How can we ever know? We can only listen to what is in our hearts.
Some things are true on an emotional or spiritual level but not true on a physical or intellectual level. Truth may be a very personal and private thing.
In any event, the main ritual we chose for this year's Goddess Festival was Sirius, Star of Isis, and its theme was twin souls.
Olivia says another characteristic of Indigos is that they live on an intellectual or mental level, rather than an emotional level. They do not display much feeling. Olivia thinks perhaps Maris and I needed this incarnation in order to learn about the nature of deep and traumatic feeling, and its effect on humans.
The nature of the mind is to understand; to find meaning; and to solve problems. That is its job.
In the face of mystery, the human brain struggles desperateley to make sense of things that are not logical or reasonable. Suicide is the greatest mystery of all. And so we struggle more despaerately than ever to understand.
The twin soul is that without which the other is not complete. It is a part of us that broke off lifetimes or aeons ago. The 2 parts of this soul need to be together.
It will always be a great mystery. All we can do is trust and accept.
Gayle Mack
Our friend Gayle, who lives in Georgia, visited Chicago this past weekend to spend time with Olivia and me. We have not seen Gayle since 1993, when we were all together for the first time in Chicago. We celebrated an early Samhain together on October 23, and the next morning Gayle did a wonderful healing on Ray and me to help us move beyond the deep grief we feel at the loss of Maris into a state where we can feel joy and gratitude when we think of him.
The healinbg was an amazing experience. Several times in the course of the healing, I became dizzy; and a couple times, my body seemed to disappear so I could not feel anything from the neck down. This indicated a moment of re-integration during which my various physical and neural systems tried to re-set themselves. Our souls had become fragmented from the trauma of what happened to Maris, and Gayle helped us put ourselves back together.
A lot happened during the healing, and there is a still a lot for us to process. But we are doing what we can to heal ourselves, and are more grateful than we can ever express to the dear people who are helping us in so many ways.
The healinbg was an amazing experience. Several times in the course of the healing, I became dizzy; and a couple times, my body seemed to disappear so I could not feel anything from the neck down. This indicated a moment of re-integration during which my various physical and neural systems tried to re-set themselves. Our souls had become fragmented from the trauma of what happened to Maris, and Gayle helped us put ourselves back together.
A lot happened during the healing, and there is a still a lot for us to process. But we are doing what we can to heal ourselves, and are more grateful than we can ever express to the dear people who are helping us in so many ways.
Star Children and Indigos
Olivia is here. She is leaving this afternoon. She was here one year ago, when we received the news about Maris.
Olivia and I spent a couple hours this morning having a long leisurely breakfast conversation, as we do every morning when she is here. We talked a lot about Maris.
Olivia knows Maris is alive on the Inner Planes, and she knows he is happy. But she says our sorrowful and remorseful thoughts make him sad.
She told me about her experiences with Indigo Children. She says they really are different, and they suffer in this world. The Star People incarnate on this world to help humanity; but their frequency is higher, and that of this world is lower, and so they feel trapped and unhappy. They have a hard time making themselves understood. They feel isolated and depressed. Sometimes they take their own lives at an early age for this reason; and when their spirits are released they are at once again.
Olivia speculates that Maris may have been an Indigo or a Star Child.
We know he was different, that he had a hard time making himself understood, and that he was disillusioned with the way things are in this world.
Olivia keeps reminding me that Maris had a special mission on this earth, and it was time for him to leave. She reminds us he is alive but in a different form, and we will see him again.
She wants us to remember him in a joyful way.
Olivia and I spent a couple hours this morning having a long leisurely breakfast conversation, as we do every morning when she is here. We talked a lot about Maris.
Olivia knows Maris is alive on the Inner Planes, and she knows he is happy. But she says our sorrowful and remorseful thoughts make him sad.
She told me about her experiences with Indigo Children. She says they really are different, and they suffer in this world. The Star People incarnate on this world to help humanity; but their frequency is higher, and that of this world is lower, and so they feel trapped and unhappy. They have a hard time making themselves understood. They feel isolated and depressed. Sometimes they take their own lives at an early age for this reason; and when their spirits are released they are at once again.
Olivia speculates that Maris may have been an Indigo or a Star Child.
We know he was different, that he had a hard time making himself understood, and that he was disillusioned with the way things are in this world.
Olivia keeps reminding me that Maris had a special mission on this earth, and it was time for him to leave. She reminds us he is alive but in a different form, and we will see him again.
She wants us to remember him in a joyful way.
October 26, 2010
I have survived for one year without Maris.
I have lost my fear of death.
I love you, Maris. I will love you forever.
I have lost my fear of death.
I love you, Maris. I will love you forever.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
From today's The Daily Beast:
"WAR AT HOME
4. Soldier Suicides Called Emergency
Expect the number of suicides among American soldiers to increase, the top U.S. military official said Wednesday, as the more troops come home after years of wartime service. "The emergency issue right now is suicides'' said Admiral Mike Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Over the weekend, Fort Hood, in Texas, saw four suicides, including one murder-suicide. To combat the trend, military officials have tried to lengthen the time between deployments and increase awareness of the threat..."
Sometimes I wonder fi Maris's military duties triggered PTSD from past life memories, of which he would speak to family and friends. He recalled bits and pieces of past lives on battlefields in the Middle Ages, the Third reich, etc.
"WAR AT HOME
4. Soldier Suicides Called Emergency
Expect the number of suicides among American soldiers to increase, the top U.S. military official said Wednesday, as the more troops come home after years of wartime service. "The emergency issue right now is suicides'' said Admiral Mike Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Over the weekend, Fort Hood, in Texas, saw four suicides, including one murder-suicide. To combat the trend, military officials have tried to lengthen the time between deployments and increase awareness of the threat..."
Sometimes I wonder fi Maris's military duties triggered PTSD from past life memories, of which he would speak to family and friends. He recalled bits and pieces of past lives on battlefields in the Middle Ages, the Third reich, etc.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Invictus
My friend Laughs-A-Lot (Uyetsiga Udodi) sent this to me. It is always a good poem to read and re-read. I wish I had thought of sending it to Maris last year.
I have read it a few times today, to remind myself of why I am still here.
by
I have read it a few times today, to remind myself of why I am still here.
Invictus
by
William Ernest Henley
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Labor Day 2010
Maris left for Lackland AFB on Labor Day, 2006. Any day now, his 4 year commitment would have been over, and he would have been coming home.
I have just started reading a book by Rudolf Steiner called Staying Connected.: How To Continue Your Relationships With Those Who Have Died.
At the very beginning of the book are 2 quotations from Steiner's writings:
"This is what it comes down to: that we learn to experience that those who have passed through the gate of death have only assumed another form. Having died, they stand before our feelings like those who, through life circumstances, have traveled to distant lands, whither we can follow them only later. We have therefore nothing to bear but a time of separation. "
and
"Know the spiritual world! Then, among the many other blessings that humanity will gain will be this: that the living and the dead will be able to form a unity."
I have spent this year working on myself. It will not bring Maris back; but it is a gift I can offer him: that I will bring less unfinished business with me into the afterlife.
If I had known who and what I was...if I knew how to listen to my own inner guidance...Maris would not have had to suffer. As it was, he paid a huge price to wake me up.
A year ago, in one of those twilight lands between sleep and wakefulness, Aidoneos, the God of the Underworld, said to me, "Are you ready for what will come?" and because I misunderstood him, I said "Yes." I did not ask him who or what he meant.
And that is the way I have lived my whole life. I have always had everything, and I have always lost it all.
This lifetime, for me, hs been about the need for purification. I may have purged, but not purified. It has been one bad decision after another.
Yet there was beauty and some good decisions mixed on. Maris was one of the most beautiful things that ever came to me.
I do not want to make the same mistakes in a future lifetime with him.
One of the nurses who cared for me after maris was born told me he would be a source of healing to me. I wonder what she meant. I wonder if this is what she meant.
I love you, Maris. I wish you were coming home.
On this Labor Day, I offer you the gift of my labor. I am working very hard on myself, so that I will be better able to help others. Never having worked on myself, I had only emptiness to offer you.
I have just started reading a book by Rudolf Steiner called Staying Connected.: How To Continue Your Relationships With Those Who Have Died.
At the very beginning of the book are 2 quotations from Steiner's writings:
"This is what it comes down to: that we learn to experience that those who have passed through the gate of death have only assumed another form. Having died, they stand before our feelings like those who, through life circumstances, have traveled to distant lands, whither we can follow them only later. We have therefore nothing to bear but a time of separation. "
and
"Know the spiritual world! Then, among the many other blessings that humanity will gain will be this: that the living and the dead will be able to form a unity."
I have spent this year working on myself. It will not bring Maris back; but it is a gift I can offer him: that I will bring less unfinished business with me into the afterlife.
If I had known who and what I was...if I knew how to listen to my own inner guidance...Maris would not have had to suffer. As it was, he paid a huge price to wake me up.
A year ago, in one of those twilight lands between sleep and wakefulness, Aidoneos, the God of the Underworld, said to me, "Are you ready for what will come?" and because I misunderstood him, I said "Yes." I did not ask him who or what he meant.
And that is the way I have lived my whole life. I have always had everything, and I have always lost it all.
This lifetime, for me, hs been about the need for purification. I may have purged, but not purified. It has been one bad decision after another.
Yet there was beauty and some good decisions mixed on. Maris was one of the most beautiful things that ever came to me.
I do not want to make the same mistakes in a future lifetime with him.
One of the nurses who cared for me after maris was born told me he would be a source of healing to me. I wonder what she meant. I wonder if this is what she meant.
I love you, Maris. I wish you were coming home.
On this Labor Day, I offer you the gift of my labor. I am working very hard on myself, so that I will be better able to help others. Never having worked on myself, I had only emptiness to offer you.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Stripes, 1995? - 2010
We had to put our dear kitty, Stripes, to sleep last Wednesday, September 18.
She fell down around 9:15 pm, and could not get up again. Both hind legs seemed paralyzed. She was panting and crying, and could not hold up her head. Whatever happened must have been very painful and frightening. I carried her downstairs and felt as if she wanted to use her litterbox, which she did. But then she fell down again. All we could think of to do was rush her to the local animal emergency medical care facility.
There, they could not give us hopeful news. They gave Stripes a massive dose of pain killers in order to examine her. They said the blood glucose in her hind legs was around 100, and double that in the front legs, which seemed to indicate lack of blood flow to the hind legs. They thought that meant a blood clot had lodged in her aorta and cut off blood to the second hind leg. Her heartbeat was also irregular. They thought it was a stroke or a heart attack.
We felt that Stripes's time had come. We wanted her to be jealed and whole, but did not want the cure to be more painful than the illness. We felt the time had come to release her from this life without Maris.
We told her over and over how much we loved her, and how grateful we were that she had come to live with us. We thanked her for all the love she gave to Maris over the years. We called on Bast and Great Mystery to look after her in the Spirit World.
We were with her to the very end. I feel sure Maris was there to meet Stripes on The Other Side.
We carried her home and buried her under the cherry tree in our back yard, with other members of our animal family.
We will always love you, Stripes. You are the best, most beautiful cat who ever lived.
She fell down around 9:15 pm, and could not get up again. Both hind legs seemed paralyzed. She was panting and crying, and could not hold up her head. Whatever happened must have been very painful and frightening. I carried her downstairs and felt as if she wanted to use her litterbox, which she did. But then she fell down again. All we could think of to do was rush her to the local animal emergency medical care facility.
There, they could not give us hopeful news. They gave Stripes a massive dose of pain killers in order to examine her. They said the blood glucose in her hind legs was around 100, and double that in the front legs, which seemed to indicate lack of blood flow to the hind legs. They thought that meant a blood clot had lodged in her aorta and cut off blood to the second hind leg. Her heartbeat was also irregular. They thought it was a stroke or a heart attack.
We felt that Stripes's time had come. We wanted her to be jealed and whole, but did not want the cure to be more painful than the illness. We felt the time had come to release her from this life without Maris.
We told her over and over how much we loved her, and how grateful we were that she had come to live with us. We thanked her for all the love she gave to Maris over the years. We called on Bast and Great Mystery to look after her in the Spirit World.
We were with her to the very end. I feel sure Maris was there to meet Stripes on The Other Side.
We carried her home and buried her under the cherry tree in our back yard, with other members of our animal family.
We will always love you, Stripes. You are the best, most beautiful cat who ever lived.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Dream, August 16, 2010
I dreamed that I was hugging Maris. We were surrounded by pure sly blue light, rose light, and white light. He was speaking in questions, He said to me, "What am I feeling? am I happy?"
I am not sure of the meaning of the conversation. Is he trying to figure out how he feels? Am I asking myself what he is feeling, or what i am feeling?
Was it hard for Maris to do that in life? is it easier now? is he having to learn it all over againnow?
Here we are again, speaking in questions.
But the feeling of hugging Maris again was wonderful, and something positive i can associate with him, rather than so many regretful, sad thoughts.
I am not sure of the meaning of the conversation. Is he trying to figure out how he feels? Am I asking myself what he is feeling, or what i am feeling?
Was it hard for Maris to do that in life? is it easier now? is he having to learn it all over againnow?
Here we are again, speaking in questions.
But the feeling of hugging Maris again was wonderful, and something positive i can associate with him, rather than so many regretful, sad thoughts.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Stripes
Stripes loved Maris. He was her favorite human. She sat on his lap for hours when he played computer games, and she liked to sleep on top of him.
Stripes is not feeling well. She has been limping.
Something happened to her leg during a time when I was not with her.
Was it an injury, or was it a disease? was it due to my neglect? was it something I could have prevented?
whatever is happening to Stripes is similar to what happened to Maris insofar as I am finding myself asking the same questions: was this something I could have prevented? did I cause it to happen?
Stripes has retained her sweet and loving disposition. She is a strong and brave cat.
Her vet, Dr. Currigan, says catss' behavior reflects "Survival of the fittest." when they don't feel well, they hide, so that they survive.
Stripes has been stoical, just like Maris.
Here is the latest from her vet:
"We do not have all of Stripes’ laboratory results in yet, but we do have most results back. On her blood and urine tests, the only significant finding was an elevated white blood cell count. An increased white blood cell count is consistent with either infection or inflammation (and sometimes with cancer as well – usually because of the associated inflammation of the cancer). Everything else on her blood work looks fine (kidneys, liver, thyroid, protein level, etc.). Her blood potassium was slightly low, but that may have just been due to stress. Stripes’ urine was well concentrated (or not watery) – which means her kidney function is good. We may want to put Stripes on an antibiotic for the high white blood cell count, but I would like to hold off on that until we get all the test results back.
On the radiologist report, he, too, is concerned about the masses in the lungs - with cancer, or infection (fungal, bacterial), parasites (less likely) being possibilities.
We do not yet have back they results of the aspirate of the leg swelling, but hopefully I will have those back by Friday and will call you then."
Eventually we will get a fuller idea of what 's up with Stripes.
But she has missed maris very much.
She sits outside his room when the door is closed. We brought her upstairs, away from the other cats who might bother her, in an attempt to help her get some rest and relaxation.
She has taken up residence in Maris's room. So her food, water, and litter tray are there too, so that Stripes does not have to use her sore leg to get up and down the stairs.
When she is there, I think she communes with maris. Maybe she feels safe there, where she was always happiest.
I think she really wants to be with Maris.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Maris's Nissan
I just learned yesterday that Maris's Nissan is finally being auctioned off today.
At least I think it is.
This year has been a series of one heartache after another.
Maris loved his Nissan. He worked on it and cared for it in a very devoted way. He had it running extremely well. He loved going for long rides all over Oahu in it. It brought him a lot of happiness.
Then he lent it to someone.
And the Nissan got totaled.
I remember maris calling me, very down, and practically in tears. I felt his heart was broken. And my own heart broke for him.
Maris was so far away. I could not reach through the wires to hug him. I did what I could to console him. I am not sure it help much. All I could do was say helplessly, over and over, "Maris, I am so sorry that happened." HNot much else I could do.
It was one if a series of blows that hurt him all through 2009.
Maris bought another car, because he really needed a car, and began working on that one, too. But it was not as good as the Nissan, and he felt a bit discouraged in spite of continuing to work on it.
I recently acquired a new car, too.
It got me to thinking about vehicles in a general way.
How our cars can be one of the outer faces we present to the world, and a shell that protects and shields our frail physical beings. How we should be more grateful to them than we are. They carry precious cargo, and enable us to do things we could never do on our own...at leas5t not without as horse and / or a wagon.
Maris's Nissan served him well, and I am grateful to it.
Which is why it broke my heart that it was so neglected.
We are the soul of our cars. We inhabit them, almost the way we inhabit our houses, and the way our sould inhabit our bodies.
Our bodies are the temples of our soul and spirit. They are the physical vehicle that conveys our mind and soul through teh physical world, and anchors our brain to the physical world so that it can picks up tghoughts and our hearts can pick up intuitions.
We need to respect and honor our bodies more. We need to respect and honor our cars more, too.
Over the years I have thought many unpleasant things about my car. I have owned a couple lemons. I have owned a series of extremely elderly cars that became black holes that sucked in all the money in the world, and spent more time in the repair shop than in my garage.
In the last couple years, I began to thank my car every morning as I walked away from it in the parking lot. I thanked it for getting me to work safely. I thanked it for all the times it started right up, in the coldest days of winter. I thanked it for its brakes not failing at crucial moments. I thanked it for not over-heating at inconvenient times. I thanked it for letting its timing belt break on a quiet side street close to home rather than on the highway. I thanked it for doing its best in spite of my tremendous ignorance about cars, and my semi-benign neglect.
I wanted so much to give my car good thoughts, and surround it with good energy, rather than think horrible things about how the car has done much damage to the ecology of our country; and that we are responsible for enabling the oil companies to work their evil will on the world. I wanted those things for Maris's Nissan, too.
That is why it broke my heart when, months ago, I first learned the poor Nissan was sitting there, neglected, where it was towed after it was totaled.
I had thought that we had given permission to deal with the Nissan constructively back when we were in Hawaii for Maris's memorial. I assumed it would be given to a worthy charity, or even to a worthy individual. It certainly deserved better than to sit and languish after it had served Maris so faithfully.
As soon as I learned of that instance, I contacted people and made inquiries to see what could be done. We tried to contact charities on Oahu, but the ones we contacted seemed to be the wrong ones, and did not seem to want to help us. So we allowed the people who were actually on Oahu to deal with it. We sent the title, so there would be no problems in transferring ownership to the
My life has been a series of mistaken assumptions. I try to follow up on things, but my attempts at followup seem to also be a series of mistaken assumptions.
I truly thought that this time the car had been properly treated and towed away to wherever they keep them until the auction takes place. Upon failing to locate a charity that seemed to want the car, we gave permission to auction it off so that Hickam Base would somehow benefit in some small way.
Imagine the shock and discouragementI felt yesterday upon learning that the car was to be auctioned today, but that it had been left sitting still in that same place all these months.
It really deserved better treatment.
Many things went through my mind. How Oahu was so far away....and I had no way to know what was really going on with the car....and how I really had no way of knowing what was going on withg Maris.
I also thought that now we knew why every now and then a wave of low energy would pass through us...just as sometimes it had when Maris was going through something difficult. But we were so far away, and sometimes maris would not tell us much about what was going on with him....and no one told us much about what was going on with his car, either.
I think about the disrespectful way in which we treat our own temples, our own bodies. How we show how we really feel about our fellow drivers by the way we treat each other on the road....behavior we would not engage in quite as freely face to face, because we allow our cars to take the hits for us...as if they were some sort of shield we hide behind.
I think about how our physical embodiment is so fragile, and how dependent our spirit is on this fragile shell that anchors us to this physical plane.
I think of that dear Nissan, irreparably damaged. I think of my dearest, dearest, most treasured Maris, irreparably damaged. I cry out in agony for them.
Is there a heaven for cars? Do androids dream of electric sheep?
Be at peace, dear golden Nissan. thank you for being so good to Maris. Thank you for taking him places, and bringing him home again. Thank you for serving him so well.
Forgive me for not dealing sufficiently well with the enormous distance to Oahu. Forgive me for not following through all the way to the end. Forgive myinadequacy.
Thank you, dear beautiful golden Nissan, for being so good to Maris. I love you and thank you
Thank you, dear beautiful Maris, for being my son for this all too short span if time. I love you and I thank you.
I will see Maris again, in the spirit world. I am doubtful about the car, though, .and I am regretful for not treating it better. It did not deserve this kind of end.
Farewell, dear golden Nissan, and thank you yet again. I wish you did not have to leave Maris so soon
I love you forever, dear Maris, I wish you didnot have to leave us so soon.
I am so sorry I failed you both.
At least I think it is.
This year has been a series of one heartache after another.
Maris loved his Nissan. He worked on it and cared for it in a very devoted way. He had it running extremely well. He loved going for long rides all over Oahu in it. It brought him a lot of happiness.
Then he lent it to someone.
And the Nissan got totaled.
I remember maris calling me, very down, and practically in tears. I felt his heart was broken. And my own heart broke for him.
Maris was so far away. I could not reach through the wires to hug him. I did what I could to console him. I am not sure it help much. All I could do was say helplessly, over and over, "Maris, I am so sorry that happened." HNot much else I could do.
It was one if a series of blows that hurt him all through 2009.
Maris bought another car, because he really needed a car, and began working on that one, too. But it was not as good as the Nissan, and he felt a bit discouraged in spite of continuing to work on it.
I recently acquired a new car, too.
It got me to thinking about vehicles in a general way.
How our cars can be one of the outer faces we present to the world, and a shell that protects and shields our frail physical beings. How we should be more grateful to them than we are. They carry precious cargo, and enable us to do things we could never do on our own...at leas5t not without as horse and / or a wagon.
Maris's Nissan served him well, and I am grateful to it.
Which is why it broke my heart that it was so neglected.
We are the soul of our cars. We inhabit them, almost the way we inhabit our houses, and the way our sould inhabit our bodies.
Our bodies are the temples of our soul and spirit. They are the physical vehicle that conveys our mind and soul through teh physical world, and anchors our brain to the physical world so that it can picks up tghoughts and our hearts can pick up intuitions.
We need to respect and honor our bodies more. We need to respect and honor our cars more, too.
Over the years I have thought many unpleasant things about my car. I have owned a couple lemons. I have owned a series of extremely elderly cars that became black holes that sucked in all the money in the world, and spent more time in the repair shop than in my garage.
In the last couple years, I began to thank my car every morning as I walked away from it in the parking lot. I thanked it for getting me to work safely. I thanked it for all the times it started right up, in the coldest days of winter. I thanked it for its brakes not failing at crucial moments. I thanked it for not over-heating at inconvenient times. I thanked it for letting its timing belt break on a quiet side street close to home rather than on the highway. I thanked it for doing its best in spite of my tremendous ignorance about cars, and my semi-benign neglect.
I wanted so much to give my car good thoughts, and surround it with good energy, rather than think horrible things about how the car has done much damage to the ecology of our country; and that we are responsible for enabling the oil companies to work their evil will on the world. I wanted those things for Maris's Nissan, too.
That is why it broke my heart when, months ago, I first learned the poor Nissan was sitting there, neglected, where it was towed after it was totaled.
I had thought that we had given permission to deal with the Nissan constructively back when we were in Hawaii for Maris's memorial. I assumed it would be given to a worthy charity, or even to a worthy individual. It certainly deserved better than to sit and languish after it had served Maris so faithfully.
As soon as I learned of that instance, I contacted people and made inquiries to see what could be done. We tried to contact charities on Oahu, but the ones we contacted seemed to be the wrong ones, and did not seem to want to help us. So we allowed the people who were actually on Oahu to deal with it. We sent the title, so there would be no problems in transferring ownership to the
My life has been a series of mistaken assumptions. I try to follow up on things, but my attempts at followup seem to also be a series of mistaken assumptions.
I truly thought that this time the car had been properly treated and towed away to wherever they keep them until the auction takes place. Upon failing to locate a charity that seemed to want the car, we gave permission to auction it off so that Hickam Base would somehow benefit in some small way.
Imagine the shock and discouragementI felt yesterday upon learning that the car was to be auctioned today, but that it had been left sitting still in that same place all these months.
It really deserved better treatment.
Many things went through my mind. How Oahu was so far away....and I had no way to know what was really going on with the car....and how I really had no way of knowing what was going on withg Maris.
I also thought that now we knew why every now and then a wave of low energy would pass through us...just as sometimes it had when Maris was going through something difficult. But we were so far away, and sometimes maris would not tell us much about what was going on with him....and no one told us much about what was going on with his car, either.
I think about the disrespectful way in which we treat our own temples, our own bodies. How we show how we really feel about our fellow drivers by the way we treat each other on the road....behavior we would not engage in quite as freely face to face, because we allow our cars to take the hits for us...as if they were some sort of shield we hide behind.
I think about how our physical embodiment is so fragile, and how dependent our spirit is on this fragile shell that anchors us to this physical plane.
I think of that dear Nissan, irreparably damaged. I think of my dearest, dearest, most treasured Maris, irreparably damaged. I cry out in agony for them.
Is there a heaven for cars? Do androids dream of electric sheep?
Be at peace, dear golden Nissan. thank you for being so good to Maris. Thank you for taking him places, and bringing him home again. Thank you for serving him so well.
Forgive me for not dealing sufficiently well with the enormous distance to Oahu. Forgive me for not following through all the way to the end. Forgive myinadequacy.
Thank you, dear beautiful golden Nissan, for being so good to Maris. I love you and thank you
Thank you, dear beautiful Maris, for being my son for this all too short span if time. I love you and I thank you.
I will see Maris again, in the spirit world. I am doubtful about the car, though, .and I am regretful for not treating it better. It did not deserve this kind of end.
Farewell, dear golden Nissan, and thank you yet again. I wish you did not have to leave Maris so soon
I love you forever, dear Maris, I wish you didnot have to leave us so soon.
I am so sorry I failed you both.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Atterbury Circle Video
MSgt. Ben David shared this YouTube video with us. It shows Maris's memorial
brick, and the surrounding monument, so you can better picture where it is.
Click here.
brick, and the surrounding monument, so you can better picture where it is.
Click here.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Winter Solstice 2006
Here is our dear friend Anna, who later helped us so much regarding Oahu, its deities, special inhabitants, etc.
...and a Merry Yule to you, too!
...and a Merry Yule to you, too!
Snow 2006
We cheerfully photographed and sent these pictures of Chicago weather on December 1, 2006 to Maris to show him what he was missing. Actually, he loved snow, thunderstorms, and other drastic kinds of weather.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Maris's last birthday celebration
We did not know that Maris's 21st birthday would be his last. What would we have done differently? don't know...we tried to make each one as perfect as possible, because you never know...each day may well be your last.
here are some highlights of good times with good friends and family:
Thursday, July 15, 2010
We were notified by MSgt Ben A. David, First Sergeant, 8th Intelligence Squadron, that a memorial brick for Maris has been placed at the Atterbury Circle Memorial, at the center of Hickam Air Force Base.
MSgt David wrote: "The brick is now a lasting part of Hickam, and a reminder to all who see it of Maris' incredible contributions to not only the 8th Intelligence Squadron, but to the Air Force, and to the security of our great nation. From your 8 IS Ohana..."
MSgt David wrote: "The brick is now a lasting part of Hickam, and a reminder to all who see it of Maris' incredible contributions to not only the 8th Intelligence Squadron, but to the Air Force, and to the security of our great nation. From your 8 IS Ohana..."
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Altar
We have a special place in our dining room for Maris.
On this altar are his ashes, several ankhs, his picture and some of his special items such as a little knife, and his dog tags. There is a tiny bear he gave to Philip, and offerings other people have made such as a little wax behive and an aromatherapy burner from Demetria. There are a special Hawaii cup and a plate for food and other offerings. I like to offerhis favorite things, such as blueberries. Sometimes we just offer what we have, so he is included, and hopefully he isenjoying sharing with us.
The picture over the altar is the goddess Persephone,Queen of the Underworld, who weland sheltersthe souls and takes care of them until they are ready to be reborn. This particular Persephone is a pre-Raphaelite painting by Rosetti.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Ray.s Birthday 2010
We took Ray out for his birthday on June 23, 2010. The plan was dinner at Fat Willy's BBQ Shack. As we walked out the door, tornado warning sirens sounded.
Maris used to love this kind of weather; in fact, all of us do. So we went out for dinner, and felt that the weather was a message from Maris that he was with us and having fun.
After a fabulous dinner of BBQ brisket, which brought back memories of our visit to San Antonio for Maris's graduation at Lackland, we headed home. The storm was over, and there was a huge rainbow that stretched across the entire sky.
The rainbow brought back memories of our visit to Hickam AFB in Hawaii. Again, the rainbow made us feel Maris was with us.
The storm and the rainbow were his birthday gift to Ray.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
A New Twist
Here is a new twist on the past.
I am dumping old emails from my work email account. We are getting ready to move to a new buuilding, with all new equipment, and we were told to do this.
As I read through the old emails from a year ago, I am horrified to discover that this is a countdown to Maris's death.
2009 was a bad year for me as well as for Maris. I am reading old correspondence pertaining to the Glenview Veterans Oral History Project, and it is bringing back all the misery I went through with that. That misery is co-mingling with the misery I now feel knowing that a year ago, Maris only had 4 more months to live.
If only I had known.....of course ,this has been the mantra all along.
When people are dying of a terminal illness, even if they are in misery, they (and their loved ones) can still make some plans for how to spend their remaining time.
It causes me endless misery that Maris may have been carrying out plans he had made for his remaining time. We will never know. The things he did that summer might have been things he had been planning for a long time as ways he wanted to spend his final time. When I talked to him about all the things he still wanted to do, I thought we were talking about what he wanted to do before leaving Hawaii...not before leaving this world.
Perhaps Maris had the foresight to plan. But i was too blind, and had no foresight. I thought we still had years remaining to us. I had no idea my son was dying of a terminal disease called suicide.
If I had realized he had this illness, I would have taken a medical leave of absence and done with him all the really important things that I needed to do with him, and that I thought we would do when he came home.
But that was not part of his plan for himself.
This is one of those mistakes from which I will never recover.
I am dumping old emails from my work email account. We are getting ready to move to a new buuilding, with all new equipment, and we were told to do this.
As I read through the old emails from a year ago, I am horrified to discover that this is a countdown to Maris's death.
2009 was a bad year for me as well as for Maris. I am reading old correspondence pertaining to the Glenview Veterans Oral History Project, and it is bringing back all the misery I went through with that. That misery is co-mingling with the misery I now feel knowing that a year ago, Maris only had 4 more months to live.
If only I had known.....of course ,this has been the mantra all along.
When people are dying of a terminal illness, even if they are in misery, they (and their loved ones) can still make some plans for how to spend their remaining time.
It causes me endless misery that Maris may have been carrying out plans he had made for his remaining time. We will never know. The things he did that summer might have been things he had been planning for a long time as ways he wanted to spend his final time. When I talked to him about all the things he still wanted to do, I thought we were talking about what he wanted to do before leaving Hawaii...not before leaving this world.
Perhaps Maris had the foresight to plan. But i was too blind, and had no foresight. I thought we still had years remaining to us. I had no idea my son was dying of a terminal disease called suicide.
If I had realized he had this illness, I would have taken a medical leave of absence and done with him all the really important things that I needed to do with him, and that I thought we would do when he came home.
But that was not part of his plan for himself.
This is one of those mistakes from which I will never recover.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Mary Kelly, 1931-2010
Another reason I did not have time to blog was because the last few weeks were filled with attempts to help care for our dear friend, Mary Kelly, who died on May 24.
Mary loved Maris. She felt she had a special connection with him from the time he came into this world. She was devastated when he died, and I am not surprised that she has followed him into the spirit world a mere 7 months later.
The penultimate time I saw Mary, when it seemed clear she was dying, and was barely conscious, I asked her to carry my love to Maris. I told her I was envious that she would see him before I would; but that she was so blessed...because she would be seeing him.
I wonder if he met her when she passed over.
Mary's heart was so full of generous love for so many people. I am sure she is having a great time in the spirit world. I pray Maris is having a good time with her, and that they are getting caught up with each other, too.
Mary loved Maris. She felt she had a special connection with him from the time he came into this world. She was devastated when he died, and I am not surprised that she has followed him into the spirit world a mere 7 months later.
The penultimate time I saw Mary, when it seemed clear she was dying, and was barely conscious, I asked her to carry my love to Maris. I told her I was envious that she would see him before I would; but that she was so blessed...because she would be seeing him.
I wonder if he met her when she passed over.
Mary's heart was so full of generous love for so many people. I am sure she is having a great time in the spirit world. I pray Maris is having a good time with her, and that they are getting caught up with each other, too.
Getting Caught Up
I have not blogged in a while.My thoughts continue to be consumed with remorse, grief, and horror.
Every day I ask myself over and over what is wrong with me? How could I not know the extent to which Maris was depressed and suffering? why did it never occur to me that he might take his own life?
I thought depression was something people just put up with, until the day they overcame it. It never occurred to me that people sometimes die of depression.
How could I be so ignorant?
I have not read anything in the last 7 or 8 months that was not in some way about depression. Every sentence i read is a horrible realization.
Is this picture the face of depression?
To be aware of depression, you have to read between the lines, and watch for tiny clues that do not add up...and to take them VERY SERIOUSLY.
I will never again take ANYTHING for granted.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Songs of the Humpback Whale
I just finished this book. It made me think a lot about Maris.
Songs of the Humpback whale is by Jodi Picoult.
Here is one passage that touched me:
"I used to think, before this whole incident, that parental love was supposed to be unconditional . I believed that Rebecca would naturally be tied to me because I had been the one to bring her into the world. I didn't connect this with my own experience. When I could not love my father, I assumed there was something wrong with me. But when they carried Rebecca in here from the stretcher of the ambulance, I came to see things differently. If you want to love a parent you have to understand the incredible investment he or she has in you. If you are a parent, and you want to be loved, you have to deserve it.
Suddenly I am dizzy with guilt. "What do you want me to say, Rebecca?"
Rebecca will not look at me. "Why do you want me to forgive you? What do youo get out of it?"
Absolution, I think, the first word that comes to my mind. I get to protect you from what I went through. "Why do I want you to forgive me? Because I never forgave my father, and I know what it will do to you...I never forgave him because I thought that way I would have the last laugh. But he won. He's in me."
Songs of the Humpback whale is by Jodi Picoult.
Here is one passage that touched me:
"I used to think, before this whole incident, that parental love was supposed to be unconditional . I believed that Rebecca would naturally be tied to me because I had been the one to bring her into the world. I didn't connect this with my own experience. When I could not love my father, I assumed there was something wrong with me. But when they carried Rebecca in here from the stretcher of the ambulance, I came to see things differently. If you want to love a parent you have to understand the incredible investment he or she has in you. If you are a parent, and you want to be loved, you have to deserve it.
Suddenly I am dizzy with guilt. "What do you want me to say, Rebecca?"
Rebecca will not look at me. "Why do you want me to forgive you? What do youo get out of it?"
Absolution, I think, the first word that comes to my mind. I get to protect you from what I went through. "Why do I want you to forgive me? Because I never forgave my father, and I know what it will do to you...I never forgave him because I thought that way I would have the last laugh. But he won. He's in me."
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
April 26, 2010
April 26 marked the 6 month anniversary of Maris's death.
We did not do anything special to observe it because we could not think of anything else that we were already doing.
W#e already have a full-time altar dedicated to Maris, at which we place offerings and light candles. I talk to him daily. When I have time I read to him. I pray for him daily.
These special dates are about special time set aside, as much as special actions or things.
Nothing much has changed. Maris is still the first and last thought in my mind every morning and night. I say prayers for him daily, along with the people he may have hurt in past lives so that he may be freed of any encimbering bonds that hold him back. I pray especially for angry or spirituallu powerful people who may have set bonds on him that are extremely difficult to break. I send healing to him daily.
I thought we would have forever, when Maris got out of the Air Force in September 2010. I have learned no one has forever. You only have the present moment, and you must never put anything off "untikl the right moment." THIS moment may be the only one you have, and it has to be be good enough.
We have stopped the one-on-one bereavement counseling because we found ourselves running the same tape over and over, which was monotonous for us and I am sure also for ojur counselor. And we felt we did not need to waste her time with that. But we still atend the monthly LOSS meetings, because it is such a relief to be in a group of people where we are free to be ourselves, and nat have to be afraid of anything we might say or do. No one has to walk on eggshells or feel self-conscious there. And I always come away with really good ideas and insights. We are still hoping to become part of an 8-week survivors program,k though.
I still cry a lot. I still have to think of Maris constantly, because if I don't, I am hit with a giant wave of emotion when I start thinking about him again.
I have not yet learned how to let go of him. Maybe that is the most important thing. I hate to think I am holding him back from healing and peace because I just can't let go.
I finally went to Confession last week, for the first time in many years, because I thought if I could hear someone say I was forgiven for everything I have ever done that might have led up to Maris;s death, perhaps I would then be able to forgive myself. It is also my way of clearing my inner decks for passage into the next life for myself.
I still feel as if my life has been changed forever, and that it is not even the same life I thought it was.. For years I had gone around feeling that I was in a transitional state of waiting for some kind of major change; but I did not know what it was. Every horrible thing that has ever happened was only a pale weak shadow of this event; and whatever happens after this...whether it be disease, earthquake, the loss of my house, the destruction of my city, the death of everyone arounbd me...it will only be a weak echo of the loss of Maris. The meaning and purpose has gone out of my life. Nothing can ever come along that could ever replace maris.
We are thinking ahead to Maris's 1 year anniversary on October 26, and to his 23rd birthday on November 16. Perhaps the people who treasure Maris will be able to get together with us on those days to remember and celebrate him in a special way.
We did not do anything special to observe it because we could not think of anything else that we were already doing.
W#e already have a full-time altar dedicated to Maris, at which we place offerings and light candles. I talk to him daily. When I have time I read to him. I pray for him daily.
These special dates are about special time set aside, as much as special actions or things.
Nothing much has changed. Maris is still the first and last thought in my mind every morning and night. I say prayers for him daily, along with the people he may have hurt in past lives so that he may be freed of any encimbering bonds that hold him back. I pray especially for angry or spirituallu powerful people who may have set bonds on him that are extremely difficult to break. I send healing to him daily.
I thought we would have forever, when Maris got out of the Air Force in September 2010. I have learned no one has forever. You only have the present moment, and you must never put anything off "untikl the right moment." THIS moment may be the only one you have, and it has to be be good enough.
We have stopped the one-on-one bereavement counseling because we found ourselves running the same tape over and over, which was monotonous for us and I am sure also for ojur counselor. And we felt we did not need to waste her time with that. But we still atend the monthly LOSS meetings, because it is such a relief to be in a group of people where we are free to be ourselves, and nat have to be afraid of anything we might say or do. No one has to walk on eggshells or feel self-conscious there. And I always come away with really good ideas and insights. We are still hoping to become part of an 8-week survivors program,k though.
I still cry a lot. I still have to think of Maris constantly, because if I don't, I am hit with a giant wave of emotion when I start thinking about him again.
I have not yet learned how to let go of him. Maybe that is the most important thing. I hate to think I am holding him back from healing and peace because I just can't let go.
I finally went to Confession last week, for the first time in many years, because I thought if I could hear someone say I was forgiven for everything I have ever done that might have led up to Maris;s death, perhaps I would then be able to forgive myself. It is also my way of clearing my inner decks for passage into the next life for myself.
I still feel as if my life has been changed forever, and that it is not even the same life I thought it was.. For years I had gone around feeling that I was in a transitional state of waiting for some kind of major change; but I did not know what it was. Every horrible thing that has ever happened was only a pale weak shadow of this event; and whatever happens after this...whether it be disease, earthquake, the loss of my house, the destruction of my city, the death of everyone arounbd me...it will only be a weak echo of the loss of Maris. The meaning and purpose has gone out of my life. Nothing can ever come along that could ever replace maris.
We are thinking ahead to Maris's 1 year anniversary on October 26, and to his 23rd birthday on November 16. Perhaps the people who treasure Maris will be able to get together with us on those days to remember and celebrate him in a special way.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Pisanki
We have always made Pisanki for Easter in our family.
Maris loved making Pisanki.
I made this Pisanka for Maris.
I chose the design elements with certain things in mind.
It is red, white, and blue to honor his military service,of which we were so proud and grateful.
An 8-pointed star represents regeneration. Baptismal fonts, for example, are 8-sided. The rays of the sun illuminate the 8 directions. The 8-pointed star represents the sun as well.
The ladders represent travel and communion between the worlds of the living and the dead.
The flowers represent the beauty of nature.
There are so many other motifs and colors I could have used. But I will make another Pisanka for Maris next year. The story will go on forever. As long as someone makes Pisanki, the world will go on existing.
Hymn To the Sun
Here is another prayer we said, just as the sun was appearing over the horizon on Easter Sunday morning.
Maris was there with us in spirit, and it was easy to surround him with the radiance of this prayer and the one by Burton.
Maris was there with us in spirit, and it was easy to surround him with the radiance of this prayer and the one by Burton.
A Hymn In Praise of Aten
written by
King Akhenaten, c.1365 BC
Thy dawning is beautiful in the horizon of heaven
O living Aten, beginning of life!
When thou risest in the eastern horizon of heaven
Thou fillest every land with thy beauty,
For thou art beautiful, great, glittering, high over the earth,
Thy rays, they encompass the lands, even all thou hast made.
Thou art Ra, and thou hast carried them all away captive;
Thou bindest them by thy love.
Though thou art afar, thy rays are on earth;
Though thou art on high, thy footprints are the day.
When thou settest in the western horizon of heaven
The world is in darkness like the dead,
They sleep in their chambers
Their heads are wrapped up,
Their nostrils stopped and none seeth the other,
Stolen are all their things that are under their heads,
While they know it not.
Every lion cometh forth from his den,
All serpents, they sting.
Darkness reigns.
The world is in silence
He that made them has gone to rest in his horizon.
Bright is the earth,
When thou risest in the horizon,
Wwhen thou shinest as Aten by day.
The darkness is banished,
Wwhen thou sendest forth thy rays,
The Two Lands are in daily festivity,
Awake and standing upon their feet,
For thou hast raised them up,
Their limbs bathed they take their clothing;
Their arms uplifted in adoration to thy dawning,
Then in all the world they do their work.
All cattle rest upon their herbage,
All trees and plants flourish,
The birds flutter in the marshes,
Their wings uplifted in adoration to thee,
All the sheep dance upon their feet,
All winged things fly,
They live when thou hast shone upon them.
Thou art he who createst the man-child in wwomen,
Who makest seed in man,
Who giveth life to the son in the body of his mother,
Who soothest him that he may not weep,
A nurse even in the womb.
Who giveth breath to animate every one that he maketh.
When the chicklet crieth in the egg-shell
Thou givest him breath therein, to preserve him alive.
When thou hast perfected him
That he may pierce the egg,
He cometh forth from the egg,
To chirp with all his might;
He runneth about upon his two feet,
When he hath come forth therefrom.
How manifold are all thy works!
They are hidden from before us
O thou sole god, whose powers no other possesseth.
written by
King Akhenaten, c.1365 BC
Thy dawning is beautiful in the horizon of heaven
O living Aten, beginning of life!
When thou risest in the eastern horizon of heaven
Thou fillest every land with thy beauty,
For thou art beautiful, great, glittering, high over the earth,
Thy rays, they encompass the lands, even all thou hast made.
Thou art Ra, and thou hast carried them all away captive;
Thou bindest them by thy love.
Though thou art afar, thy rays are on earth;
Though thou art on high, thy footprints are the day.
When thou settest in the western horizon of heaven
The world is in darkness like the dead,
They sleep in their chambers
Their heads are wrapped up,
Their nostrils stopped and none seeth the other,
Stolen are all their things that are under their heads,
While they know it not.
Every lion cometh forth from his den,
All serpents, they sting.
Darkness reigns.
The world is in silence
He that made them has gone to rest in his horizon.
Bright is the earth,
When thou risest in the horizon,
Wwhen thou shinest as Aten by day.
The darkness is banished,
Wwhen thou sendest forth thy rays,
The Two Lands are in daily festivity,
Awake and standing upon their feet,
For thou hast raised them up,
Their limbs bathed they take their clothing;
Their arms uplifted in adoration to thy dawning,
Then in all the world they do their work.
All cattle rest upon their herbage,
All trees and plants flourish,
The birds flutter in the marshes,
Their wings uplifted in adoration to thee,
All the sheep dance upon their feet,
All winged things fly,
They live when thou hast shone upon them.
Thou art he who createst the man-child in wwomen,
Who makest seed in man,
Who giveth life to the son in the body of his mother,
Who soothest him that he may not weep,
A nurse even in the womb.
Who giveth breath to animate every one that he maketh.
When the chicklet crieth in the egg-shell
Thou givest him breath therein, to preserve him alive.
When thou hast perfected him
That he may pierce the egg,
He cometh forth from the egg,
To chirp with all his might;
He runneth about upon his two feet,
When he hath come forth therefrom.
How manifold are all thy works!
They are hidden from before us
O thou sole god, whose powers no other possesseth.
Easter Prayer
This is one of the prayers we recited at the shore of Lake Michigan right before the sun came up on Easter.
It is from the book In the Light of a Child: a Journey Through the 52 Weeks of the Year In Both Hemispheres For Children and For the Child In Each Human Being by Michael Hedley Burton. The prayers reflect what is happening in Nature and within ourselves. The series begins with Easter.
It is from the book In the Light of a Child: a Journey Through the 52 Weeks of the Year In Both Hemispheres For Children and For the Child In Each Human Being by Michael Hedley Burton. The prayers reflect what is happening in Nature and within ourselves. The series begins with Easter.
From heaven above comes sunlight streaming;
Shining, glistening and gleaming.
My silver crescent-cup is filled,
(Be careful that it is not spilled),
Such joy weaves round me everywhere
In water and earth and in light-filled air.
A wave of joy in me as well
Springs from my heart, a surging swell.
By joy I'm taught my God to know.
I am his child--he tells me so.
Shining, glistening and gleaming.
My silver crescent-cup is filled,
(Be careful that it is not spilled),
Such joy weaves round me everywhere
In water and earth and in light-filled air.
A wave of joy in me as well
Springs from my heart, a surging swell.
By joy I'm taught my God to know.
I am his child--he tells me so.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Easter Sunday Morning
It is customary for our family to make the pilgrimage to the shore of Lake Michigan on Easter Sunday morning to wait for sunrise.
You must arrive when it is totally dark. It is darkest before dawn, and sometimes the wait for the sun in cold and darkness can seem very long. There is an irrational feeling the sun might not rise.
I walked out onto our front porch at 3 am, and beheld a beautiful large somewhat waning moon. I figured if we could see the moon and the stars, we would also be able to see the sun.
The birds were starting to sing as we left the house.
The streets were mostly deserted. It was very still. Philip played Beatles music for us. How perfect to hear this in the dark stillness of Easter morning...
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.
Blackbird fly Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
Blackbird fly Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to
arise.
...and that was followed by...
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right
Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
It's all right
Right before the sun rose, we read the prayer for Easter by Rudolf Steiner...and as it was rising, we read the hymn to the sun by Akhenaten.
It was beautiful.
This sunrise was for you, Maris.
I felt I had to do this this year especially for Maris. I wanted him to see the beauty of the sunrise through our eyes, and to be part of our family gathered there in w aiting. We could not see much, but we could feel Maris.
Here is a series of pictures we took that morning.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Good Friday
From The Expected One by Kathleen McGowan:
"Praetorus took Easa's body and laid it gently across the lap of the Great Mary. She held him to her then, allowing herself to weep openly for the loss of her beautiful son. Mary Magdalene came to kneel beside her, and the Great Mary held them both. They remained together in that position of mourning for a very long time."
Friday, March 26, 2010
Coca Cola Museum
I took Maris with me to Atlanta GA in 2002, when I attended the ALA Conference.
2001-2002 had been a rough year for Maris, and I wanted to so something fun for him. He had never flown in an airplane before, so I thought he might enjoy going to Atlanta
I made reservations at the Peachtree Hilton, because it was the tallest hotel in the U.S.. But then I chickened out and made reservations at the Sheraton instead, because I kept worrying an airplane might fly into the Hilton. It was less than a year after 9/11, and I was still freaked out over that. Maris must have been disappointed, because he had been looking forward to spending lots of time gazing out over Atlanta from the top floor of the Hilton. I guess that is what Mary means when she says I hurt my kids by over-protecting them.
I made maris pack his trunks, so that he could swim while i attended the conference. I also thought he might go exploring, so we invested in some cell phones so we could keep track of each other.
We originally planned to drive, and I wanted the whole family to come. We were going to visit the Centers for Disease Control, which was something else Maris was really interested in...but it was another disappointment for him when Ray and Philip decided to stay home. He ended up watching movies and playing video games, and did nto swim.
We had planned on visiting a plantation, but the tour was canceled due to lack of interest...one more disappointment. But we did visit the home of Margaret Mitchell, which allowed us to experience the MARTA subway train. And we visited the World of Coca Cola, which was really fun. The most interesting part was a soda fountain that featured all the exotic flavors of Coke that are marketed in foreign countries. We got to try Coke flacored with leechee juice, and other varieties that are popular in other countries.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Pisces New Moon Day, 2010
We have been working hard on re-arranging our rooms. We moved our shrine / meditation room / temple to a bigger, nicer room in the basement...and turned the former shrine (which we outgrew years ago) into an office.I have been hauling boxes out of the basement all day, in order to prepare the new room for dedication tonight. The basement has been a dismal, discouraging and overwhelmingly chaotic mess since a flood 2 or 3 years ago forced us to frantically toss boxes onto tables and chairs to keep them above water level. Some of the boxes broke because their bottoms had gotten so soggy. What a nightmare!! The contents of the boxes became hoopelessly mixed up.
I do not know how this picture happened to be in the basement all by itself, because I have always kept the kids' pictures safely put away. I have no idea what year he drew it. It was crumpled and wrinkled, and did not scan that well. But I am so grateful to have it. It is a precious message from Maris.
Perhaps it was a symbolic fireplace for the secret hiding place they had in the basement when they were little. But it seems to me as if Maris is letting me know he is participating in spirit in the dedication of our new spiritual hearth, and doing whatever he can to help us along with this project.
I miss you so much, Maris, and I will love you throughout all your lifetimes, no matter who or what you are.
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Maris Michael Butta, Senior Airman, son of Raymond and Deena, nee Weglarz; brother of Alexander and Philip Butta. A 2006 graduate of Gordon Tech High School, Maris was a member of the 8th Intel squadron in the U.S. Air Force at Hickam Air Force Base in Hawaii. He was decorated with the Air Force Achievement Medal and earned the following awards: Air Force Organizational Excellence Award, the Air Force Good Conduct Medal, the National Defense Service Medal, the Global War on Terror Service Medal and the Air Force Training Ribbon. In lieu of flowers, memorial donation to the Wounded Warrior Project, 7020 A.C. Skinner Pkwy., Suite 100, Jacksonville, FL 32256. Visitation Monday, 3 to 9 p.m., and Tuesday, 9 a.m., until time of service, 10 a.m., at Smith-Corcoran Funeral Home, 6150 N. Cicero Ave., Chicago. Interment St. Adalbert Cemetery. 
