Post Thanksgiving

Several times in November I have had people ask me how my Thanksgiving went. when I rolled my eyes and said, "It was OK" they quickly became serious and said, "I know..."

I am beginning to realize people think holidays make me suffer.

They don't get it.

They don't realize that l suffer every moment and the holidays are no worse than any other moment. Getting thrrough Thanksgiving without Maris was not nearly as bad as waking up every morning and realizing all over again he is not here any more.

Some people whose children died, or have taken their own lives, tell me the holidays are the worst.

I must disagree. The holidays are not the worst. Morning is the worst. That first awful realization. Then I start with the prayers, the recalling of wisdom, the stepping back from the flow of my thoughts. I go over what I need to do this new day. and eventually the ache of loss goes underground. It never subsides, or goes away. But it does go underground so I can function. Later, it will re-emerge, so that I can deal with it on my own time.

People need to stop inviting me out at the holidays because they assume i am suffering worse on those days. They do not realize how healing and joyful it is to cook a holiday dinner, and that it would be such a gift to allow me to do that.

I feel irritated when people assume my Thanksgiving was not so great because I am mourning Maris more on that day. I mourn Maris every minute of every day. If I seem to mourn him more on some days, that is because there is some kind of mysterious cycle in which I move. It is a cycle of waxing and waning. This cycle is not officially noted on the calendar. It comes from something else.

I am starting to wonder if what people are doing is pitying me; and no one appreciates pity. They do not realize the tremendous amount of inner, spiritual work I have done this year; and that does nto deserve pity.

Maybe my Thanksgiving was not so great because I was sitting there like a useless slug instead of having fun cooking a Thanksgiving meal, and being surrounded by friends I don't often get to relax with, along with family.

I have started telling people I miss Maris every minute of every day, not just on Thanksgiving, and not more on holidays. I am trying to get them to strop making assumptions.

I am grateful for the holidays, because they allow me to remember happy times with Maris.

Maris is part of me, and part of my life. Therefore, please let me live! encourage me to be active, and to enjoy life, and to think about Maris in a good way!...Let me have fun celebrating holidays in my own way, and come celebrate them with me...and above all, do nto pity me!!

I must rremember to step back from these feelings of resentment, and remind myself "I am not what I think."

Maybe next Thanksgiving...next holiday...will be different.