Thanksgiving Day 2010, cont'd

I continue to be thankful for Maris, and that he is part of our family.

He was a great mystery to me, from the earliest moment. A nurse at Columbus Hospital, where maris was born, told me he would be s ource of healing for me.

I think there are deep and mysterious things within me that need enormous healing. Maris could find no other way to help me heal other than through the drastic method he chose.

I think back on my extreme ignorance about suicide and depression. I was so abysmally ignorant, I was too stupid to even be worried about Maris. I mistakenly thought my goal was to keep him alive until he got past the rebellious teen years, then everything would be OK.

I look back now on the many years during which I now realize how deeply he was suffering, and I feel like collapsing at the thought of my profound negligence. I have been shocked into realizing what the disease of depression really is. I now know that people die of depression.

Now, when people tell me about their children and family members who are despondent or depressed, I tell them to take this very seriously. Sometimes patrons who come in to the library to check out books about depression behave apologetically, as if checking these books out is something they are ashamed of. Sometimes they tell me aboput their loved ones, who are going through something. i always tell them it is so wonderful they are doing this for their loved one. Privately, I think they are telling me about their loved one so I won't think they are really the one who is depressed...as if this were something wrong.

Other people tell me how grateful they are for tidbits of knowledge of depression I shared with them...for example, depression never goes away. Be happy for your loved one when they are doing well. But be ever vigilant. The depression has not gone away, and it never will. It can turn suicidal at any moment. This is not being negative. This is being realistic. People thank me for telling them this, and say they will never forget these words, as it could save their loved one's life some day.

For this I am grateful.

I am grateful that Maris might be helping others in this way, through me...even though I wish it did not have to come about in this way.

I am grateful to Maris for everything he has taught me. I wish I could have learned it a different way. I am desperately sorry that maris's lifer was so short. But life is a Mystery, and the measurable things about life may not be the most important things about it to God, the Great Mystery.

I will always love you, Maris, and I will always be grateful for you.