Post Thanksgiving

Several times in November I have had people ask me how my Thanksgiving went. when I rolled my eyes and said, "It was OK" they quickly became serious and said, "I know..."

I am beginning to realize people think holidays make me suffer.

They don't get it.

They don't realize that l suffer every moment and the holidays are no worse than any other moment. Getting thrrough Thanksgiving without Maris was not nearly as bad as waking up every morning and realizing all over again he is not here any more.

Some people whose children died, or have taken their own lives, tell me the holidays are the worst.

I must disagree. The holidays are not the worst. Morning is the worst. That first awful realization. Then I start with the prayers, the recalling of wisdom, the stepping back from the flow of my thoughts. I go over what I need to do this new day. and eventually the ache of loss goes underground. It never subsides, or goes away. But it does go underground so I can function. Later, it will re-emerge, so that I can deal with it on my own time.

People need to stop inviting me out at the holidays because they assume i am suffering worse on those days. They do not realize how healing and joyful it is to cook a holiday dinner, and that it would be such a gift to allow me to do that.

I feel irritated when people assume my Thanksgiving was not so great because I am mourning Maris more on that day. I mourn Maris every minute of every day. If I seem to mourn him more on some days, that is because there is some kind of mysterious cycle in which I move. It is a cycle of waxing and waning. This cycle is not officially noted on the calendar. It comes from something else.

I am starting to wonder if what people are doing is pitying me; and no one appreciates pity. They do not realize the tremendous amount of inner, spiritual work I have done this year; and that does nto deserve pity.

Maybe my Thanksgiving was not so great because I was sitting there like a useless slug instead of having fun cooking a Thanksgiving meal, and being surrounded by friends I don't often get to relax with, along with family.

I have started telling people I miss Maris every minute of every day, not just on Thanksgiving, and not more on holidays. I am trying to get them to strop making assumptions.

I am grateful for the holidays, because they allow me to remember happy times with Maris.

Maris is part of me, and part of my life. Therefore, please let me live! encourage me to be active, and to enjoy life, and to think about Maris in a good way!...Let me have fun celebrating holidays in my own way, and come celebrate them with me...and above all, do nto pity me!!

I must rremember to step back from these feelings of resentment, and remind myself "I am not what I think."

Maybe next Thanksgiving...next holiday...will be different.

Thanksgiving Day 2010, cont'd

I continue to be thankful for Maris, and that he is part of our family.

He was a great mystery to me, from the earliest moment. A nurse at Columbus Hospital, where maris was born, told me he would be s ource of healing for me.

I think there are deep and mysterious things within me that need enormous healing. Maris could find no other way to help me heal other than through the drastic method he chose.

I think back on my extreme ignorance about suicide and depression. I was so abysmally ignorant, I was too stupid to even be worried about Maris. I mistakenly thought my goal was to keep him alive until he got past the rebellious teen years, then everything would be OK.

I look back now on the many years during which I now realize how deeply he was suffering, and I feel like collapsing at the thought of my profound negligence. I have been shocked into realizing what the disease of depression really is. I now know that people die of depression.

Now, when people tell me about their children and family members who are despondent or depressed, I tell them to take this very seriously. Sometimes patrons who come in to the library to check out books about depression behave apologetically, as if checking these books out is something they are ashamed of. Sometimes they tell me aboput their loved ones, who are going through something. i always tell them it is so wonderful they are doing this for their loved one. Privately, I think they are telling me about their loved one so I won't think they are really the one who is depressed...as if this were something wrong.

Other people tell me how grateful they are for tidbits of knowledge of depression I shared with them...for example, depression never goes away. Be happy for your loved one when they are doing well. But be ever vigilant. The depression has not gone away, and it never will. It can turn suicidal at any moment. This is not being negative. This is being realistic. People thank me for telling them this, and say they will never forget these words, as it could save their loved one's life some day.

For this I am grateful.

I am grateful that Maris might be helping others in this way, through me...even though I wish it did not have to come about in this way.

I am grateful to Maris for everything he has taught me. I wish I could have learned it a different way. I am desperately sorry that maris's lifer was so short. But life is a Mystery, and the measurable things about life may not be the most important things about it to God, the Great Mystery.

I will always love you, Maris, and I will always be grateful for you.

Thanksgiving Day 2010

I spent so much time typing out the following prayer / blessing on Thanksgiving that I ended up not having enough time to blog. I emailed it to some friends and family members. But I want now to share it with everyone here who loves Maris:

thanksgiving contemplation by Gary Snyder (based on a Mohawk prayer):

"Gratitude to Mother Earth, sailing through night and day--
and to her soil: rich, rare, and sweet
in our minds so be it.

Gratitude to Plants, the sun-facing light-changing leaf
and fine root-hairs, standing still through wind
and rain, their dance in the flowing spiral grain
in our minds, so be it

Gratitude to Air, bearing the silent Swift and the silent
Owl at dawn. Breath of our song
clear spirit breeze
in our minds so be it

Gratitude to Wild Beings, our broythers, teaching secrets,
freedoms, and ways; who share with us their milk,
self-complete, brave, and aware
in our minds so be it

Gratitude to Water: clouds, lakes, rivers, glaciers,
holding or releasing, streaming through all
our bodies' salty seas
in our minds so be it

Gratitude to the Sun: blinding pulsing light through
trunks of trees, through mists, warming caves where
bears and snakes sleep--he who wakes us--
in our minds so be it

Gratitude to the Great Sky
who holds billions of stars--and goes yet beyond that--
beyond all powers, and thoughts
and yet is within us--
Grandfather Space.
The Mind is his Wife.

so be it."