H87 1116

I was driving home from work the other day, listening to Healing Grief : Reclaiming Life After Any Loss, by James Van Praagh, in my car. One of the things it talked about was how spirits sometimes try to contact loved ones in whimsical ways. I was wondering if Maris was going to try this.

I had to stop for a red light at Harms and Dempster, and ahead of me was a car with the license plate H87 1116.

Maris was born in 1987, 11th month, 16th day.

I could not help wondering if the owner of the license plate had some karmic connection with us.

I also wondered about the H.

Could stand for either heaven or hell.

The poet of the Rubaiyat, Omar Khayyam, wrote...

I sent my soul into the invisible,

Some letter of that after life to spell.

And by and by my Soul returned to me

And answered, I Myself am heaven and hell.

Next morning as I was driving to work I was still wondering about the H. The very next car I saw had a license plate that started with H, structured like the other one, but with numbers I can't recall and that seemed meaningless at the time. So maybe it means nothing.

In terms of numerology, H is the 8th letter of the alphabet. (They even resemble each other, except the loops of the H are open at top and bottom.) 4s and 8s have to do with the struggle, effort, burdens and limitations of the material world. Wikipedia says 8 = power/sacrifice.

According to Numberquest, H = "H is the numerical equivalent of 8 and represents creativity and power. This letter has a great deal of business acumen and will therefore find profits through most endeavors. When it is the first consonant of a name the bearer is likely to be successful in business. Negatively, it can be self absorbed and selfish."

My favorite numerology expert is Dusty Bunker. She co-authored some amazing books with Faith Javane.

Verse 8 of the Rubaiyat goes:

Whether at Naishapur or Babylon,
Whether the Cup with sweet or bitter run,
The Wine of Life keeps oozing drop by drop,
The Leaves of Life keep falling one by one

I will keep my eyes open for other instances of the number 8 and the letter H. Jonathan pointed out that the number 8 sideways symbolizes eternity.

H could simply stand for Hi!

Thank you, Maris. I love you so much.

Two Kinds

There are 2 kinds of people in the world: those who are suicidal and those who are not.

Maybe there is a suicide gene, same as there is an addictive personality gene. Obviously if you have the suicide gene, your chances of having it removed from the gene pool are high

At the last L.O.S.S. meeting, a young woman who had had suicidal thoughts herself spoke up to reassure people that she did not contemplate suicide because she felt unloved or rejected or abused. She said the only person she wanted to get away from was herself.

This was extremely enlightening to me. I am grateful she shared this insight. I might never have stumbled upon it on my own.

I have regretted knowing so little about psychology in general and suicide in particular. I browsed the books about suicide in the library catalog the other day, but felt unmotivated to read the books because it seemed like too little too late.

My total ignorance about this subject did not help Maris. If I had been less ignorant, I might have recognized the signs.

The other 2 kinds of people in the world are those who prefer either Brave New World or 1984.

I would never choose to live in Brave New world because I dedicatemyself totally to the Truth; and likving in a doped-up state like the citizens of Brave New world would be extrem,ely distasteful to me. Harsh as it is, at least the citizens of 1984 knew the reality. They had to live with the reality that they destroyed history and committed other atrocities, but at least they were aware of the truth in spite of being powerless.

1984 is a grim book. It is ironically the last thing Maris read before he died.

A New Earth

Someone came to the Reference Room last summer and wanted a copy of A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. They praised this book very mighly, and said they had heard it was indispensible reading.

Now that i have finally read it, i agree.

Everyone in the world should read this book.

I wish i had read it as soon as I became aware of it. If I had, I would have bought a copy and sent it to Maris. If I had, he might still be here.

Maris said he did not like his thoughts. I told him everyone has thoughts they do not like, and we are judged less by our thoughts than by our actions. I mentioned that if he REALLY did not like his thoughts, he might consider seeking psychological counseling. i had no idea.

Until I read this book, I did not have the conceptual framework and background to discuss these things. I believe it would have helped Maris feel so much better.

I did not realize the extreme to which Maris did not like his thoughts. His statements to me were so calm and so subtle. Like the tip of an enormous iceberg gently sailing on the dark ocean.

This book makes clear that you are not your thoughts. It makes clear that the human mind is fundamentally flawed, and the human race is essentially insane. we can only become aware of who we really are by not identifying with what we think.

There is so much more to this book. I hope everyone reads it.

Here is a look inside:

Summary
Humanity now, perhaps more than in any previous time, has an opportunity to create a new, saner, more loving world. In very practical terms, Tolle leads readers into this new consciousness to learn to live and breathe freely. Distributed by Syndetic Solutions, Inc.
Table of Contents
Chapter 1 The Flowering of Human Consciousness
Evocation
The Purpose of This Book
Our Inherited Dysfunction
The Arising New Consciousness
Spirituality and Religion
The Urgency of Transformation
A New Heaven and a New Earth

Chapter 2 Ego: The Current State of Humanity
The Illusory Self
The Voice in the Head
Content and Structure of the Ego
Identification with Things
The Lost Ring
The Illusion of Ownership
Wanting: The Need for More
Identification with the Body
Feeling the Inner Body
Forgetfulness of Being
From Descartes's Error to Sartre's Insight
The Peace That Passes All Understanding

Chapter 3 The Core of Ego
Complaining and Resentment
Reactivity and Grievances
Being Right, Making Wrong
In Defense of an Illusion
Truth: Relative or Absolute?
The Ego Is Not Personal
War Is a Mind-set
Do You Want Peace or Drama?
Beyond Ego: Your True Identity
All Structures Are Unstable
The Ego's Need to Feel Superior
Ego and Fame

Chapter 4 Role-playing: The Many Faces of the Ego
Villain, Victim, Lover
Letting Go of Self-Definitions
Pre-established Roles
Temporary Roles
The Monk with Sweaty Palms
Happiness as a Role Vs. True Happiness
Parenthood: Role or Function?
Conscious Suffering
Conscious Parenting
Recognizing Your Child
Giving Up Role-playing
The Pathological Ego
The Background Unhappiness
The Secret of Happiness
Pathological Forms of Ego
Work-With and Without Ego
The Ego in Illness
The Collective Ego
Incontrovertible Proof of Immortality

Chapter 5 The Pain-Body
The Birth of Emotion
Emotions and the Ego
The Duck with a Human Mind
Carrying the Past
Individual and Collective
How the Pain-Body Renews Itself
How the Pain-Body Feeds on Your Thoughts
How the Pain-Body Feeds on Drama
Dense Pain-Bodies
Entertainment, the Media, and the Pain-Body
The Collective Female Pain-Body
National and Racial Pain-Bodies

Chapter 6 Breaking Free
Presence
The Return of the Pain-Body
The Pain-Body in Children
Unhappiness
Breaking Identification with the Pain-Body
"Triggers"
The Pain-Body as an Awakener
Breaking Free of the Pain-Body

Chapter 7 Finding Who You Truly Are
Who You Think You Are
Abundance
Knowing Yourself and Knowing About Yourself
Chaos and Higher Order
Good and Bad
Not Minding What Happens
Is That So?
The Ego and the Present Moment
The Paradox of Time
Eliminating Time
The Dreamer and the Dream
Going Beyond Limitation
The Joy of Being
Allowing the Diminishment of the Ego
As Without, So Within

Chapter 8 The Discovery of Inner Space
Object Consciousness and Space Consciousness
Falling Below and Rising Above Thought
Television
Recognizing Inner Space
Can You Hear the Mountain Stream?
Right Action
Perceiving Without Naming
Who Is the Experiencer?
The Breath
Addictions
Inner Body Awareness
Inner and Outer Space
Noticing the Gaps
Lose Yourself to Find Yourself
Stillness

Chapter 9 Your Inner Purpose
Awakening
A Dialogue on Inner Purpose

Chapter 10 A New Earth
A Brief History of Your Life
Awakening and the Return Movement
Awakening and the Outgoing Movement
Consciousness
Awakened Doing
The Three Modalities of Awakened Doing
Acceptance
Enjoyment
Enthusiasm
The Frequency-holders
The New Earth Is No Utopia

Shamanic Journeys

Our dear friend Joan Forest Mage is a shamanic healer and dancer.

I value soul retrieval and extraction as a valuable healing practice; and i accept reincarnation as the way things are.

Joan did some shamanic journeys on Maris's behalf.

I am sharing them here in case anyone else resonates with Joan's experiences.

"Client Journey 12/22/09

This was a followup journey. Yesterday (12/21/09) at the Solstice ritual, in the land of Fire, I was led by my guides to bring back a soul part for Deena. I was not expecting to do this, but the guides asked me to do it and said it was appropriate.

In the land of ice I saw Maris. I went past the ice, and Maris was in a dark cave or room. Ray was with him; I separated their energies (cut cords) and Ray's energy went back to Ray.

Maris kissed my hands, thanking me. It was also an energy gift to give Ray and Deena, which I sent to them.

It was also clear that I was being called to do another journey to help Maris, which I did today. Before I even left the room to journey to the Otherworld, I sensed a presence. It did not seem to be friendly. From past experience, I know that when I encounter a presence or entity like this, I ask my guides to contain it, and I continue on with my journey so that I'm establishing contact with my guides. Then I come back to the entity. An entity who appears before I even start the journey usually is one that is a key element in the healing that needs to take place.

I went to the cave where Maris was. I asked my guides what I could or should do for him. I saw that there were shackles around one of his ankles. My guides and I took this shackle off. It definitely seemed to be about something karmic. Athena picked up Maris and climbed up on Pegasus. I have never seen her ride Pegasus. She took Maris this way to the place I call the Spa, where soul parts go to be refreshed and renewed. She and the other guides are taking care of Maris for a while.

I asked if I could know what this shackle was related to. Immediately I saw men in Africa. They were holding shields made of zebra hide. I got the information that in a past life Maris was a slave trader, causing misery for many Africans who he kidnapped and sold into slavery. I was seeing the slaves as African and Maris as European, rather than it being some other culture or historical period involving slavery. I got the sense that this was circa 1700's.

I saw one particular African man glaring with hate at the slave trader. I got the impression that not only was karmic retribution at work here, but also a curse from this African man he enslaved (possibly more than just that one person.). It's quite possible this African man knew how to do formal spiritual cursing. If not, just the intensity of the experience enabled him to curse the slave trader, who was born in this lifetime as Maris.

I asked if there was something I could do to balance the energy with the African man and any people who had a grievance with the slave trader. I apologized to the African, and the guides and I gave several gifts of energy to him and the other slaves, so that their energy was lighter and clearer. Finally, the slaves were able to move on.

I found soul parts of Ray and Deena, and returned them. There were other things that happened that I can't remember now.

When I returned to my physical room, the spirit entity was still there. With my guides, I talked to it. He seems to be some entity that was sent to collect on a debt owed. I am not sure yet if this entity was sent as part of the African man's curse, or for some other reason. I asked my guides what to do, and received wisdom of what to say. I said to the spirit, "I honor you. I will see to it, in all ways that are appropriate, that this debt is paid. Namaste." My guides were able to contain this spirit's energy for now.

I will see what my guides have to say tomorrow. I sensed that this situation is very large, involving many, many people: perhaps the whole interaction with Europeans and the African slave trade. Exteremly large, karmic energies are involved here, that need to be balanced.

i returned to ordinary reality, thanking the spirits and the Mystic Law.

Client Journey 12/23/09

For Maris Butta. This was a followup to the journey 12/22/09.

Immediately upon starting the journey, I saw the same spirit entity as yesterday, a man saying, “There is a debt to be paid!”

I traveled to the Otherworld. Athena and other guides were still at the Spa, healing Maris with the cleansing waters of the hot springs and cold springs.

I saw the African man I had seen yesterday, the one who was glaring. I will call him “Ali”. He was in Africa. He was talking to an African shaman, a tall, stately man of about 60 – 70 years of age. Ali wanted the shaman to put a curse on the slave trader (the person who was Maris in this lifetime) because he was kidnapping people in Ali’s tribe to sell as slaves.

The shaman, a very wise and honorable magical practitioner, said he would not curse anyone, but would put a binding on the slave trader (I’ll call him “Jeremiah”) to keep him from coming to take any more people for slaves. The shaman put the binding on Jeremiah, leaving it up to Spirit to arrange this in the best way. Interestingly, what happened was that the slave trader ran into problems with his (the slave trader’s) partner, another European man.

Apparently the slave trader Jeremiah was not only doing terrible things to the Africans, but had even cheated his partner. The partner (I’ll call him “John”) fond out about it and was livid and demanded to be repaid. They fought, and Jeremiah killed John, thus robbing him not only of his money, but of his life as well.

I realized that at least part of the entity I had seen yesterday, the man who was the debt collector, was John’s energy, demanding to be repaid. I had seen this man as a European rather than African, which had struck me as strange if it was Africans who had the grievance. Now I understood why.

I went up to the shaman and asked if I could talk with him. He was a kindly man, who said his name was Saleem. I explained that I had come to help the person who was Maris in his most recent lifetime. I told Saleem I admired both his skill and professional integrity as a spiritual practitioner in dealing with the situation in such an energetically clean manner.

I asked Saleem if he could release the binding on Jeremiah/Maris. Saleem seemed a bit hesitant, as if he wasn’t sure if he could trust me, and if it was finally all right to release the binding. I searched for what would convince him, and then said, “The mother and father of the man Maris in this lifetime are really praying for him.” I showed Saleem Ray and Deena’s prayers; the energy of the prayers was beautiful and golden and abundant. It was apparent to anyone who saw this that there was merit to the request to end this binding; that this person who was Maris had changed his ways from the way Jeremiah acted. Saleem believed this and was moved, and released the binding.

But I heard a voice say, “The debt must still be paid.” Releasing the binding was only one step; there was still energy to be balanced around the situation.

To do this, the guides took me to a place where Jeremiah was holding a soul part of John’s. I was reminded of the shamanic rule of thumb that whenever there is physical violence, there is energetic violence and soul stealing. Jeremiah killed John physically, and also took part of John’s soul.

The guides returned John’s soul part to him. John was still livid over the money he had lost. Athena came and talked to John, asking him what he needed to repay the debt. Basically, he wanted financial abundance, enough to compensate him for the lifetimes he has lived in financial and energetic poverty, ever since Jeremiah took the soul part from him.

An angel was assigned to John to lead him to this financial abundance. John was finally satisfied, and left.

Next, I saw the glaring African man. (I’ll call him “Ali”.) It was in Africa, and I saw him walking in shock and rage among the dead bodies of his tribe, including family and relatives. I am not sure of the circumstance, but Jeremiah was to blame. Perhaps the slave traders came had come to the village, and for some reason killed these people rather than taking them as slaves.

Ali demanded justice; he wanted the debt to be paid. I asked the guides what to do. They asked, “Ali, instead of asking how we can pay this debt, we ask: what is it you most want? That is what will pay this debt.”

In answer, the bodies came back to life. That is what Ali really wanted. There were eight people in particular that he wanted to see come to life. They might be his immediate family.

The guides said, “Ali, these people have reincarnated many times since they died in the lifetime you were asking about. You have even lived with them again yourself! That is the real answer to this question: that life is eternal and always triumphs over death.

“Yet, it is true that there is still a debt. These people were robbed of their lives. Also, by being killed in this heinous way, they were robbed of vitality that they otherwise would have had in subsequent lifetimes. Because of this, they were often poor or had other troubles in many lifetimes.”

The guides continued, “To repay this debt, blessings and prayers can be sent to these eight people. This will create abundance for them in this current lifetime.”

I got the sense that I should ask Ray and Deena to do this praying. I said, “I will ask Maris’s mother and father if they will restore the balance of the universe by praying for these people. I cannot guarantee that they will agree to this, but I will ask them. I think they would be willing.” I added, “What if I ask them to pray for these eight people for a year? Or a year and a day, which is a typical contract in our European tradition?”

“Three years,” said Ali counter offered, sternly.

“Very well!” I answered, smiling. “I will ask Ray and Deena if they will pray this way for three years.” I added, “In any case, I will promise to do it myself, so the energy exchange will happen.” Ali was satisfied. I realized it will be 12/24/12 when this contract is up, right after the famous “2012” date of 12/21/12.

The guides said merrily, “The people you are praying for will not even know why they have become so fortunate!”

“If possible,” I said cheerfully, “I would like us – Ray, Deena and me – to meet some of these people, and to know that they are the ones we have been praying for.” It is good when one can feel that one’s prayers have definitely had an effect, even though it might be in a way that is not provable. I got the sense that this will happen.

I heard a voice, “There is still a debt to be paid!” There is one more situation that needs to be balanced. I will journey again, possibly tomorrow, to deal with this situation.

I returned to ordinary reality, thanking the spirits and the Mystic Law.

Client Journey 1/13/09a
For Maris Butta, distance healing.

I journeyed to follow up on some of the leads I had been given in previous journeys. I asked about the lifetime Maris had in Atlantis, which seemed to be the origin of many of the problems that Maris has had in subsequent lifetimes.

I saw Maris as a man in Atlantis. I saw him working in a shop of some kind. It seemed he was the proprietor of the shop, and that he was selling something that had to do with their technology. It was interesting to experience this ancient lifetime being similar to ours, with a shop owner working in his shop.

I got the information that he had created some kind of spiritual “working” in that lifetime that is still in effect, and that this has caused problems ever since. I suspect it was a working based in greed, and that the person who was Maris in this lifetime has been feeling the karmic effects ever since.

The guides said that this was enough for today. I returned to ordinary reality, thanking the spirits and the Mystic Law."

I have faithfully prayed for these people every day.

i welcome everyone to join me in praying for them, too.

There is no way this can hurt. It will help our world. It will help these people, even if they are not related to Maris in any way, and that is a good thing for all of us on this planet.

Please pray for Maris's spirit to be at peace, that he may go forward into the light, and get the healing his spirit needs, and that when he is ready to be reborn, it will happen in a good way.

Living in the Twilight Zone

A strange phenomenon has been taking place in my mind recently.

There is a sense of unreality about Maris not being here.

I sometimes feel as if I might get a phone call telling me the ruse or the deception or the coverup or the simulation is now over, and Maris will be returned to us and evertything will be normal again.

Other times a feeling of agony washes over me, and my mind screams, "That's enough! i can't take any more, stop this simulation!"

i can't decide if it is like the holodeck...or like Twilight Zone.....or if i am just really losing my mind.

it is just really, really hard living without Maris.

Part of the problem is that it had been almost a year since we last saw him. Our only contact was the telephone. Maybe that is why I keep expecting the phone to ring.

Vision

My eyes are my weakest body part.

Maybe that is why it is so hard for me to SEE some things.

I came down with conjunctivitis on December 27...actually in retrospect it may have been incubating for a few days, as I recall waking up the previous several mornings with unusually puffy eyes. But December 27 is when it got so bad that I called the doctor.

Today is the first day I can post to my blog without pain.

When I talked to Mary Browne the other day, I told her I felt as if the conjunctivitis is somehow connected to grieving over Maris. Mary said she prayed I would be able to see what I need to see.

A few days after that, I was told by my aunt that my grandmother, Apolonia Niezgoda Pabisinski, was partially blind. Apolonia died when I was 8 yearas old. I did not recall naything about her having trouble with her eyes, other than that she wore glasses.

Apparently her eyes were always red and irritated, and this is why she was always lighting candles and incense. She seemed to suffer from a chronic case of styes.

I remember the little altar she had in the dining room of her apartment at 4854 W. Armitage Ave. in Chicago. There was a little radiator in the southeast corner of the dining room, and I remember that she had something over the top of it that provided a solid surface for her candles, her incense, some pictures, and her dream book. There was a statue of the Little Infant of Prague, and a ceramic seated Native American in feather headdress holding a vessel through which smoke from the cone of incense wafted. I remember seeing her standing there lighting candles, especially when thunderstorms threatened.

I wonder what eye condition she suffered from. I wonder if it was something hereditary, like glaucoma, from which I myself suffer.

My aunt said that my grandmother consulted many doctors and healers, including a Native American who told her about an herb that grew along the railroad tracks, which she could gather and brew into a tea with which she bathed her eyes. My aunt does not know the name of this herb. she said it is short, and does not have flowers, although it had some sort of round or spherical part which she had trouble describing to me. My uncle used to pick the herbs for my grandmother, but he is deceased so I can't consult him.

Really wish I knew which herb this is! because perhaps it might help my own eye problems...and maybe even my Third Eye problems...I will call upon the spirit of this plant, that it might reveal itself to me.

I have consulted Chinese herbalists about my vision problems. Unfortunately the elderly doctor in Chinatown whom everyone used to consult has died. One of the ingredients in the eye blend he made for me was dried cicadas.....eeew! the Wolf Berries and fragrant woods at least covered up the taste of the cicadas, which was like burnt rubber.

Anyway, enough about me. It has been very difficult not being able to post blog entries. I am grateful to be able to post again.

My inability to do anything for the last 3 weeks has resulted in my sitting for hours in a recliner crying for Maris. I miss him so completely. I( grieve not only for him, and for everything he will not be able to enjoy, but the future I will not now be able to spend with him. I thought some day I might be with Maris and Alek on the land they talked about buying in Oregon.

I was so looking forward to Maris getting lots of rest and relaxation after his military obligations ended. I was so looking forward to finally getting some time to communicate with him on a deep level. I was so relieved to learn that family members would be covered by my HMO until their late 20s, as it would remove at least that worry about health care coverage, and i wanted Masris to know he did not have to worry about that. I just wanted him to be at home with me, and to be happy.

Maris had accompplished so much during his years in the Air Force that as far as I was concerned, he would never again need to prove anything to me. I am prouder of Maris than I have ever been of anything else in my life. He is my greatest treasure.

I miss him every moment. He is the first and last thing I think about every day.