Coca Cola Museum

I took Maris with me to Atlanta GA in 2002, when I attended the ALA Conference.

2001-2002 had been a rough year for Maris, and I wanted to so something fun for him. He had never flown in an airplane before, so I thought he might enjoy going to Atlanta

I made reservations at the Peachtree Hilton, because it was the tallest hotel in the U.S.. But then I chickened out and made reservations at the Sheraton instead, because I kept worrying an airplane might fly into the Hilton. It was less than a year after 9/11, and I was still freaked out over that. Maris must have been disappointed, because he had been looking forward to spending lots of time gazing out over Atlanta from the top floor of the Hilton. I guess that is what Mary means when she says I hurt my kids by over-protecting them.

I made maris pack his trunks, so that he could swim while i attended the conference. I also thought he might go exploring, so we invested in some cell phones so we could keep track of each other.

We originally planned to drive, and I wanted the whole family to come. We were going to visit the Centers for Disease Control, which was something else Maris was really interested in...but it was another disappointment for him when Ray and Philip decided to stay home. He ended up watching movies and playing video games, and did nto swim.

We had planned on visiting a plantation, but the tour was canceled due to lack of interest...one more disappointment. But we did visit the home of Margaret Mitchell, which allowed us to experience the MARTA subway train. And we visited the World of Coca Cola, which was really fun. The most interesting part was a soda fountain that featured all the exotic flavors of Coke that are marketed in foreign countries. We got to try Coke flacored with leechee juice, and other varieties that are popular in other countries.

Pisces New Moon Day, 2010

We have been working hard on re-arranging our rooms. We moved our shrine / meditation room / temple to a bigger, nicer room in the basement...and turned the former shrine (which we outgrew years ago) into an office.

I have been hauling boxes out of the basement all day, in order to prepare the new room for dedication tonight. The basement has been a dismal, discouraging and overwhelmingly chaotic mess since a flood 2 or 3 years ago forced us to frantically toss boxes onto tables and chairs to keep them above water level. Some of the boxes broke because their bottoms had gotten so soggy. What a nightmare!! The contents of the boxes became hoopelessly mixed up.

I do not know how this picture happened to be in the basement all by itself, because I have always kept the kids' pictures safely put away. I have no idea what year he drew it. It was crumpled and wrinkled, and did not scan that well. But I am so grateful to have it. It is a precious message from Maris.

Perhaps it was a symbolic fireplace for the secret hiding place they had in the basement when they were little. But it seems to me as if Maris is letting me know he is participating in spirit in the dedication of our new spiritual hearth, and doing whatever he can to help us along with this project.

I miss you so much, Maris, and I will love you throughout all your lifetimes, no matter who or what you are.

What Is Left

All that is left is deep, deep sorrow....knowing you will never again, with mortal eyes, see this person who was such a special soul and such a special being...who was so sensitive...so intelligent...so intellectually curious...so witty in an acerbic way...so funny...so original...so careful...so serious...so patient...so loyal...so compassionate...so helpful.

All these things, and more, were behind the prison of the social phobia and the depression.

Such a brave and courageous soul, who struggled so valiantly with such heavy burdens, and for so long. One day it all just got to be too much.

Behind the guilt...the regret...the sense of failure....the feeling of wrongness and unfairness...there is a deep, deep, deep sorrow, as deep as the oceans of space.

I miss him so much.

Darkness Visible

I just finished reading Darkness Visible: a Memoir of Madness by William Styron.

It is a quick read. Lycky for Styron he was taken to a hospital before he ended his life, because he was making plans in that direction.

It only gradually dawned on him what his problem was. It seemed to take him a long time to deeduce it objectively. His shrink sounds pill-oriented, and did not come across as very dedicated or caring or even very bright.

As Styron is a good writer, it was interesting to read his description of deprerssion and suicidal thoughts.

I seem to be reading exclusively this kind of thing these days. I compare different writers' descriptions because I hope in this way to derive a composite image that might help me understand. Each book I have read so far adds another piece to the puzzle.

But I am still at the stage where I am sorting the puzzle pieces by color and shape. And I have no idea what the picture even is.

It sounds as if Styron's issues were worsened by having the wrong prescription. And beinig in the hospital made him feel more peaceful and secure, which also helped his state of mind. So of course he thinks highly of this approach. And he had nothing else standing in the way of his from taking this approach.

Lucky for him.

I have not read anything else by Styron, but I have seen the movie Sophie's Choice, which was omne of the most disturbing movies I have seen, and so agonizing to watch that I am not sure I have the strength to read anything more by him.

Thinking of having to be Sophie is possibly the closest one can come to the feeling of what depression might feel like: It is a description of a very cruel and evil universe. I am happy for Styron that he began to feel better,