Sleepless

We are so happy for Maris's good friend Peter.  His band, Marshfield, has just released a new CD, Coping With the Present.  We were pleased and honored to attend the CD release show at the Old Town School of Folk Music on Saturday, November 26.  

What an awesome experience!  these guys are so creative....not to mention energetic!  They completely throw themselves into the music...in fact they seem to BECOME the music.   it is a full body experience with amazing vibes you can feel on every level of your being.


One of the songs, Sleepless, was largely inspired by Maris:

We know it was the worst, but it feels like the first time that we had to say goodbye
Now I'm sleepless again, tossing turning in my bed
Wondering, "why did you go?"


I hold on to my covers, never let them go
The nightmares closing in
The pictures still remind me, of where we've gone and been
Waking me each night


And we knew it was the worst cause it feels like the first time that we had to say goodbye
Now I"m sleepless again, tossing turning in my bed
Wondering, "why did you go?"


Please don't ever think your time was wasted trying to change our lives
Now it's been said, and a memory has been left in my head wondering, "where did you, where did you go?"


The mystery is all but solved now, guesses have been made. We're all left here standing.
Hoping you'll return, come back to me, come back to us


And we knew it was the worst, but it feels like the first time that we, we could feel at ease
Now I"m sleepless again, tossing turning in my bed
Wondering, "why did you go?"


Please don't ever think your time was wasted trying to change our lives
Now it's been said, and a memory has been left in my head wondering, "where did you, where did you go?"
(repeat)


Where did you go?

Maris would have been so completely proud of Peter. Thank you so much to Peter and to Marshfield, you have touched our hearts, and we wish you every possible success.

16 November 2011

Maris was born 24 years ago today at Columbus Hospital in Chicago.  I had been in the hospital on and off for days...weeks.  the doctor had been trying to stop premature labor since the 20th week of pregnancy.  I was so afraid. 

Maris was so premature, he turned out to be a Scorpio rather than a Pisces.

I am sending love and gratitude to his friends, and to everyone who loved him. You brought joy to his life, and are very special to us.

We are so grateful to know you through Maris.  Thank you for being part of our lives.

Your Eternal Self

I attended the IANDS meeting on 12 November 2011.  In the audience was R. Craig Hogan, author of Your Eternal Self.  This interesting book is available online as an e-book.

Here is what Dr. Hogan writes about suicide:

"People who commit suicide are met with compassion and understanding on the next plane of life. There is no judgment or condemnation. However, there is great sadness among all living on the next plane of life when the suicide victim arrives, and he or she feels deep remorse. That person sees the grief family and friends still on Earth suffer, because their thoughts and emotions are known by the person who has committed suicide. Many attend the funeral unseen, and because they then understand that life really is eternal, they realize that they could have worked out the problems and lived full lives with those who loved them on Earth, but now the opportunity is gone. What could have been a wonderful, rewarding life has been cut off. And in the afterlife, the person still has to face and work out the problems he or she was experiencing, but with all the remorse and sadness that accompanies the suicide.
Suicide is not an alternative if the body is free of unbearable pain. Most difficulties will pass with time and the person will live a rewarding life, growing, learning, loving, and experiencing. And the problems still must be faced in the afterlife, with the added burdens of remorse and knowing that nothing can now be done to go back to life to make things better and have a joyful, fruitful lifetime."

Other people at the meeting said that the suicide is received into the next life with great love and compassion, and extra help is given to them.  However, they have to re-do that life, with all its challenges,  because there are lessons they still need to learn and master, and there is no other way to do this than to come back to the physical world and try again.

I have not found a section of the book where Dr. Hogan addresses the effect of bindings from previous lifetimes.

Correspondence re FOID Card

The energy surrounding our family in 2008-9 was not good.

Some time at end of 08 or start of 09 I received something in the mail that I thought was a scam.  Found out too late it was not. It was something from the Police Dept referring to an alias Maris supposedly had, and he had to clear up this problem.  I just couldnot believe it was real, felt it had to be a hoax or a scam, and I very stupidly threw it away.

This message, which seemed so entirely unbelievable, was similar to the visit from the air Force informing us what happened to Maris in that it was very, very hard for my mind to process.  It was a dark and insane experience.   This event was one of the things that contributed to Maris feeling very down, as if everything was against him.

The message said that Maris's fingerprints matched those of a gang member who had a criminal record, and that he was using an alias.

I do not remember the name it said he was using because I very very stupidly threw it away.

Did I also throw away messages from my psyche warning me what Maris was contemplating? 

I felt so bad for him.  He had applied for a Firearm Owner's I D card through the state of Hawaii.  His application was rejected because the Honolulu P D believed his fingerprints matched those of a Hispanic gang member with a criminal record (whose name I unfortunately can't remember) and for this reason he was denied the FOID card.

I consulted some my my friends who were Chicago police.  They suggested Maris re-apply for the FOID card through the state of Illinois because the state of Hawaii had fingerprint equipment that was much less sophisticated than that used by Illinois. 

I had already contemplated asking for help from the FBI because I had no idea what was really going on here.  My friends suggested applying through Illinois because the problem might be on a state level, not a national level.

I had also taken it upon myself to contact the Honolulu police to ask them why this had happened.

I have been very angry at these people ever since.  They insisted Maris was a criminal using an alias.  When I asked them to re-run the fingerprint test, they began to raise their voices at me as if I, too, were a criminal.

I used tobe idealistic.  I used to believe police really did serve and protect.  Now i believe they may do that half the time.  The other half of the time they manage to bring about the conditions they say they are protercting us from.

here is a copy of the email correspondence I had with Maris.

Re: instructions for requesting the document you need

Sunday, March 1, 2009 10:50 AM

From: "Maris Butta" View contact details

To:deeankh@sbcglobal.net

that's what i've been doing.  They don't open until 0745L and close at 1630L.  Staying up cuts too much into my sleep so I wake up early.  I haven't worked on this since I wanted advice from SFS on base and the shirt.  I got the advice to go resubmit my prints which i'll do tomorrow when they open.  If I get denied again then i'll ask for a letter stating why and then go from there.

My supervisors brother is a cop and suggested I talk with the illinois attorney general's office.  I will talk with base legal if i am denied again and see what advice I can get from them.

--- On Sun, 3/1/09, Deena wrote:
Subject: Re: instructions for requesting the document you need
To: praetorian_elite22@yahoo.com
Date: Sunday, March 1, 2009, 10:40 AM

you might have to set aside some time to do this before you go to work one day...or when you get off your shift.

 

imaybe you should call that phone number and ask what are F. Tan's hours, and explain that you  need to request a copy of that letter because you need documentation  in order to submit an appeal .

 

when they send you the letter, make sure you make severl photocopies of it, because you will also need to submit it to chgo police or honolulu police to show them the kind of problem you are having.

 

in order to clear up a problem, first you have to document there is a problem.

 

if they can also provide background on the Torres person, you can submit documentation we have here to provide alibis.

 

i know it is tough with working the late shigy...but you can't let interfere with clearing up this problem, because it is a bad problem.  Bob and Gwen agree with that, and they say it is extremely important to clear your name.

 

you will need to keep this paper trail in a folder so you can document every step of it; and you can also show it to your supervisors.

--- On Sun, 3/1/09, Maris Butta wrote:

Date: Sunday, March 1, 2009, 3:56 AM

Yeah, would be easier but i won't be back on day shift for months.

--- On Sat, 2/28/09, Deena wrote:
Date: Saturday, February 28, 2009, 10:08 PM

ok, Maris.  thanks for taking care of that.  I know it is annoying, but they need to fix the problem.

 

sounds like ti will get easier when you are back on day shift.

 

take care--

 

love,

mom

--- On Sat, 2/28/09, Maris Butta wrote:

Date: Saturday, February 28, 2009, 5:04 AM

That's the guy that told me there was no appeal process in the first place and wasn't willing to help me out at all.  I'll go there on my day off on monday.

I would be doing more if I was not working night shift.  It's hard to talk to people when they are sleeping and businesses are closed.  If I want to get work done I either have to wake up early or stay up late.  It's hard to talk to my chain of command when they are sleeping.

I'm going to go to the PD on my next day off to re-submit my prints and get a letter saying why I was denied a permit in writing.

I'm mailing in my application for illinois FOID today and i'll see where that goes. 

--- On Fri, 2/27/09, Deena wrote:
Date: Friday, February 27, 2009, 7:24 PM

call Honolulu division of firearms at (808)  529-3340.

 

ask for F. Tan. 

 

He is the investigator who sends out the letters and makes the phone calls when permits are denied.  He will send you a nother letter...but you need to call and sk for it, 

 

make sure they have the correct address. ask them where they will be sending it...to chicago?  or to you?  if they send it to you, you will need to send me a copy...

 

In order to  start the appeal process re your firearm permit, you need to have  a copy of the document stating why your request for a permit was denied.

 

they agree it could have got lost in the mail.  they agreed they can send you anotehr one.

 

but you have to call F. Tan and ask for it.

 

once you have this document, we can start some kind of appeal process.  we might have to call a court in chicago, and have them look up your fingerprints here, and see what name they connect with.

 

hope you can do this asap.

 

xoxo

mom""

 

BTW Maris did receive the FOID card from Illinois.  The Illinois State Police caught the error and contacted the Honolulu P D to fix the error in their database.

did they ever do it?  no idea.  Did they ever send a letter of apology?  of course not.

I am trying really hard not to hate people, because life is too short and I do not need the rebound onto my own psyche.  But I have to admit that I feel deep and intense disgust and contempt for the Honolulu P D.  In my own interactions with them, they have behaved  like arrogant, incompetent bullies.

Letter to Philip from Maris

Maris and his brothers attended Gordon Technical High School, which sponsored two Kairos (God’s Time) Retreats for seniors. This is a three day intense program for students who have leadership qualities.  Part of the retreat experience was receiving  letters written by family members.

Maris was away from home, in the Air Force, when he wrote this letter to Philip on October 29, 2007:

"Maris Butta"

 

Hey Philip,

Dude just writing this letter to let you know that i'm proud of you man.  You've been a good bro to me, always some fun shit to do when we hang out together.  Proud of you for doing kickass in school.  Getting A's all the time and being in the NHS.  I never got that since I slacked off in school and never took it seriously but you've done good dude.  Got a good score on the ACT.  I know you're gonna be awesome at whatever you do in life man.  Hope things always go well for you.

Take it easy dude,
Maris"

I was proud of Maris for writing this nice letter to Philip.