Rebirth

Maris will be reborn some day. Sooner or later.

He may come back as male or female. He may come back as my child again...or my parent...or my sibling...or my friend...or my neighbor...or my teacher....anyone.

He may come back in shackles again.

This is enough to make me more aware. Every person with whom I might interact from now on might be maris reborn.

If he is again shackled in some way, the shackles will be an opportunity to offer him total love and total compassion.

I may not recognize Maris in his new form. He may not even be reborn again during my lifetime. It does not matter. I will continue to see and honor Maris in everyone I meet, just as La Befana saw and honored the Chnist Child in everyone she met.

Healing

One of the nurses who took care of Maris in the intensive care neonatal nursery was Native American, and really devoted to her traditional wisdom. She encouraged me to use my Rescue Remedy on Maris when he was under the bili lights in the warming box. When she sensed how inadequate I felt caring for him ,and wondering what he needed from me, she said Maris would be source of healing for me.

When I remember that, it reminds me I need to embrace everything about Maris, including all his choices for himself. Maris's heart and soul were very wise. Perhaps through many lifetimes, he had chosen a difficult path not understood by many, which was intended to awaken them. The purppose of The Way of the Cross is to bring enlightenment (salvation) through suffering. It is possible that Maris suffered through many of his lifetimes.

Sometimes the most powerful medicine is the bitterest.

It is strong and powerful, and the flavor lets us know: "heads up, here I come!" get ready to be healed.

Did Maris suffer to redeem himself? or to redeem the rest of us?

If we did not recognize and accept the tresure he offered us while he was alive, he will continue to help us from the spirit world; and we need to accept the gift now.

I spent all of November and December wanting to be with Maris. I will get my wish sooner or later, when the time is right.

If Maris had not left us the way he did, we would be none the wiser. We would have breathed sighs of relief, thinking we were off the hook and he had solved all his problems. We would continue to walk in ignorance telling ourselves all was well. We would have continued to be rewarded for living in unconsciousness and illusion. When Maris left this world, even if the healing and the awakening had not taken place by then, they are certainly happening now...at least for me.

Sometimes it takes an enormous wake up call of this nature....people have to lose their dearest treasure before they stiop loiving in denial and start healing themselves.

Maris had to do this for us any way he could.

In a sense that is very difficult to understand, even though Maris's life was a treasure beyond belief, his death can provide a gift of healing that is of even more inestimable value. I do not need to make the same mistake over and over. I accept whatever treasure Maris chooses to offer to me, in whatever form. I needed to focus on that now. I want him to be able to come through to me; I want him to be able to fulfill his destiny.

This world is a vale of tears It is not real,. It is not our true home. Some day those of us who loved Maris will be with him again.

Sometimes it is really hard to wake up; and sometimes the remedy hurts more than the sickness.

Accept wholeness and healing now.

Niagara Falls

This was taken on our trip to Niagara Falls. It was the last trip we all took together.

Philip is on the left, Marus is in the middle, and Alek is on the right.

Alek said this is how he wants to remember being with his brothers.

That trip was one of the happiest times of our lives, because we were surrounded by such beauty, and did a lot of really special things on that trip, such as hunting for Herkimer Diamonds, seeing the Liberty Bell in Philadelphia, visiting Gettysburg, etc.

The Power of Now

I just finished reading The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle.

It was extremely enlightening. I am finally starting to feel an inner shift, as if an inner window may be opening.

What a sense of relief comes from remembering to step back from an emotion, as soon as I feel it gathering itself, and observe it, and remind myself "You are not your thoughts. You are not your feelings." That moment of stepping back and observing results in a moment of total peace. That moment is like dropping a tiny seed, which takes root, and spreads tis tendrils through the rest of one's life.

Those roots and tendrils crack the walls of the facade created by the mind, which creates a false sense of identity, separateness, and imprisonment.... rays of brillians of true being shine through the cracks.

Tolle's books have been very healing for me. They have enabled me to reaize that what goes through the mnd is not what identifies you as a person. The mind is a problem solving tool that can cut you off from your true identity, which is beyond thought.

NOW is all you have. The past is a memory. The future is imaginary. NOW is what is real. If you do not do something NOW, you will not do it EVER; because the future is not real. Now is all that is real.

I have always known that (in my mind) but I did not fully realize the meaning of now.

If I had understand the true meaning of NOW, which is all there is, I would not always be waiting for Maris to come home on leave...or get out of the Air Force...because the future does not exist.

Now is all you have.

The now is the well of the sacred.

Anyway, read the book. It may very well save your life...or someone else's.

If you want to experience true inner peace for the first time, read The Power of Now

The Graveyard Book, by Neil Gaiman

I bought copies of this wonderful book to give as Halloween gifts to a bunch of people last fall.

I wanted everyone to read it, because I enjoyed it so much, and thought it was a special book. I hoped Maris would enjoy it, too.

It is about a boy who is orphaned as an infant, and raised by ghosts and other graveyard characters. Much of the plot revolves around his forming connections, learning who he is and how to believe in himself, and solving the murder of his mother.

It will appeal to everyone who feels like an outsider, or doesn''t fit in. It shows how you can be raised under unusual conditions by people who care about you, and end up having a good heart and good character, and being a fine, intelligent, original person.

I mailed a copy to Maris on October 20, thinking he would get it well before Halloween. I never realized how slow the mail service is to Hawai,,,or that there was any rush.

The book did not arrive until some time after October 26. I am very disappointed about that. It might have cheered Maris up.

Gray Cat

Here is a picture of Maris with our cat, Stormy.

Demetria told us she had a spiritual message from Maris that she could not interpret. The message was: "Pet the gray cat."

We have a gray cat. Actually, she is a pastel tortoise shell cat. her fur has all the colors of a strong storm--gray, orange, white. She is storm-colored, so I named her "Stormy."

Stormy is irritating. But it is not her fault. She was taken away from her mother too soon, and it may have addled her brains a bit. Maybe she is even depressed.

Our little neighbors from down the street rang our door bell back in 1993, with a box of kittens who needed homes. They said their mother threatened to drown the kittens in the river if the girls did not find homes for them; so they were motivated.

I picked Stormy up because I liked her fur. I had been hoping to find a brindle cat because I had heard that witches used to own brindle cats. Well, Stormy is not exactly a brindle cat.
and i am not even sure from where that tradition stems. But when I put Stormy back in the box, she immediately began meowing loudly, and tried to claw her way back to me. The girls said, "Aawww....she is already used to you!" So we kept her.

She had teeth, but was very tiny. Do kittens' mothers stop nursing them when their teeth come in? We tried feeding Stormy from baby bottles but she chewed up all the nipples. She did not seem to know how to eat solid food or drink milk from a saucer. We were afraid she would starve. We fed her from the bottles for a few days, and went through lots of nipples until we felt she had figured out how to eat solid food.

The food seemed to have a bad effect on her insides, and she was so tiny she could barely reach the edge of the litter box. She used to race for it as fast as she could, but then she had to heave herself up over the side of it, which was very hard to do, if there was no one around to help her into the litter box. So she had many accidents in spite of her best efforts, and unfortunately she git used to having accidents. This did not make her very popular around here.

Stormy routinely used a corn plant as a litter box. Why? had she developed an aversion to the litter box because of all her negative experiences with it? Ray was convinced Stormy was just too lazy to use the litter box. Pretty soon we began keeping Stormy in the basement as much as we could. If she had accidents in the basement, it was not as troublesome as having them in the living room.

This was a very dysfunctional arrangem,ent. But we could not figure out another solution that would not somehow involve expensive treatments or euthanasia.

Stormy experiences neglect and misunderstanding because of her unsavory habits. She has beautiful green eyes, and is extremely affectionate. So when Demetria said something about petting the gray cat, the message resonated with me.

The gray cat did not refer to Stripes, who is a spotted tabby. Styripes used to sit on Maris's lap for hours on end, and sleep on him at night. She sits outside of his room now and waits forever for him to open the door.

The gray cat is the neglected one, the misunderstood one, who falls constantly through the cracks, who fell in love with me when I picked her out of a box of kittens destined for the Chicago River, who waits patiently for attention, who makes no demands and has no expectations, who has a sweet and gentle disposition and who has some accidents now and then. Her heart is breaking with loneliness but shhe sits at the top of the basement stairs hoping today we will let her come up.

Maris's spirit surely identifies with Stormy's sorrow, and he wants us to be kind to her. He wants us not to punish or judge her for something she may have no control over, whether it is genetic, or the result of early and unfortunate experiences. He wants us to heal Stormy, and he wants Stormy to heal us. He wants us to expeprience the giving of unconditional love to a creature who is completely ordinary and deserving of love. It will make us better, kinder people to pet Stormy. It will make our planet a better place if we can heal Stormy's heart.

I have to admit I can never trust Stormy. We recently allowed her to come up, and sure enough she still has her bad habits. But she is what she is, and she needs to be loved, so I hold and pet the gray cat every chance I get and I think of Maris and I start to cry.

From Maris's dear friend Valeria

The loss of Maris has left such emptiness.

Here is another beautiful email we received from one of Maris's dearest friends:

"I have a little marble Maris gave me that contains plutonium. It glows in the dark. I gave him a little Japanese chess board for his birthday one year, if you guys come across it you now know where it came from. I always meant to but never did apologize to you for helping Maris run up his cell phone bill during the first couple months we were sent overseas, sorry about that, but I think we were both pretty lonely and we missed each other a lot. ...Im expecting my first child, a girl. Her name is Phoenix Marisa Jones. Your son means a lot to me, he is one of the most sincere persons Ive ever known, my dad really liked him when he met him and never stopped asking about him. Maris really liked watching movies and it was something we did a lot, there are so many movies that remind me of him. We also got in trouble together sometimes. Maris was never a troublemaker but I sure am, so people told him to stay away from me. He never judged me though. He was also really, really good at paintball. He would sneak up on me and have me cornered, but never shot me, because he'd never hurt me, even in a game. I want your family to know I am truly thankful that Maris was who he was, and that he shared a bit of his life with me. I know my words could never console your family, but I hope it means something knowing Maris was an amazing friend to a lot of people."

Hawaii

We went to Hawaii for a memorial service for Maris that took place on November 10, 2010. We were not able to stay for as long as we would have liked.

We wanted so much to see where Maris worked, and some of his favorite places.

Anna referred us to some shops that, sadly, were no longer in business.

But we did spend some time with Cheryl Niggle of Serendipity Riches. She is a lovely person, and was very kind to us.

Serendipity Riches is a gift shop where Cheryl can do a reading for you. She is an intuitive tarot reader, channeler, astrologer, numerologist, and reiki master.

Serendipity Riches is at 1427 Whitney St., Honolulu HI, 96822.

You can call Cheryl at (808) 949-4711 or email her at serendipitybooks@aol.com .

Tribute to Maris by Olivia

My dear friend Olivia Robertson (FOI co-founder), who was with me when I received the news about Maris, made this picture. (If you click on the image, you can view it in a larger size.)

Its full title is Reborn In Isis: Tribute To Maris.

It was accompanied by the following letter:

"My Dear Deena,
I meditated on how to reply to your poignant letter of intense loss. Then I attuned to Maris in Spirit World. I received this message:

"Go ahead with your art work
which I hope will help my mother
because it is true. I AM ALIVE!
Tell her about your brother. That is great!"

I had an amazing vision of a baby last January. Now by a wonderful set of circumstances--I believe Derry (Lawrence) has come back as the baby Samuel now 7 months! He is my 2nd cousin 3 times removed and is so lovely--a beautiful smile. He seemed to KNOW the Temple when I baptized him at the well.

When a child of 5 he [Derry] was photoed ... as the Infant Samuel: "Speak, Lord, thy servant heareth." Tho now it would be: "Speak, Lady, thy servant heareth-- THE GODDESS."

There is no death. Life and love are eternal. When you grieve it is hard for Maris to get through....[Olivia is a Spiritualist Medium]

So try tuning in--in his bedroom with his belongings and him.

He is entering a new sphere of activity as are we all--approaching the Galactic Alignment of 21st December 2012.

We need you in FOI. So many members turn to you for the ethical application of the Manifesto. What you do is appreciated in mind and heart (both).

Also Maris loves Ray and Alek and Philip And they rely on you for commfort and support as they deeply miss Maris. Your help is needed.

Love and blessings of Isis
Olivia"

Every morning when I wake up the first thing that goes through my mind is I am awake. And the second thing that goes through my mind is Maris is gone. Then I am sucked down into a whirlpool of sorrow and regret...Why did I not know anything about depression? how could I neglect my child's greatest needs this way? I have failed him. I have lost my greatest treasure through my own ignorance. And so it goes.

Olivia concurs with what other spiritual mediums agree...that a higher vibratory level is necessary for the well being of our loved ones in the spirit world, and our ability to connect with them.

I am not my thoughts. I have to learn to remember to step back from this grief and allow the Watcher--the Eye of Vision--to observe my thoughts and feelings..."Watch my thoughts go by" as my friend James Yellowbank used to say.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, dearest Olivia, for reminding me of this important truth.

My Valentine From Maris

I brought some Sweethearts ("the official candy of love") to work today. People emjoy seeing what message they get, and each piece has only 4 calories.

As I was pouring the bag of Sweethearts into the container, one of them bounced out onto the counter.

Its message was: "Miss You." Itwas purple, my favorite color.

A message from Maris? or my own heart's message to him?

Has anyone done a scientific study of Sweethearts to see how many messages there are. "Miss You" articulates what is in my own heart more than just about any of the other messages.

The ones closest to the top of the bowl say "Tweet Me"...."Hey Babe"..."Me & You"..."Meet Me"..."Marry Me" I got bored with that project pretty fast.

Thank you for my purple heart, Maris.

I love you eternally and infinitely, on this Valentine's Day and always.

Dreams

Last night, Ray and I dreamed about Maris.

We both had a very hard time waking up this morning.

Black Cat got stranded in the living room last night, and he woke us up some time in the early morning hours. After we fell back asleep, we had lots of dreams.

I did not recall my dreams, other than seeing a brief flash of Maris. The colors were gray, black, and yellow. His hair was longer, and he looked as if he was in his teens. Otherwise I do not remember any details about what was going on, or any conversation.

Ray says he and Maris were in a museum, and it was a pleasant dream.

We were both in a very deep sleep, and had a hard time waking up. Ray overslept, because he had such a hard time waking up.

This was one of those times I really wish we did not have to be dictated to by the alarm clock. Sometimes it is simplymore important to sleep, and allow the dreams to come.

Maris Comes Home The First Time

This picture of Maris was taken right before he came home from the hospital.

He was born on November 16, 1987. I do not remember the due date any more; but I remember that he was supposed to have been a Pisces. Instead he was a Scorpio.

When he was in the intgensive care nursery, he slept a lot. The other preemies seemed to always be awake. But Maris was always asleep. Maybe he missed me, and slept to avoid dealing with it. I came to the hospital to see him every few days, but I was not there every day because Alek was little and we had only one car back then. I should have found a way to be with Maris more. Ray would visit Maris on his way home from work sometimes.

Maris was allowed to come home in January, right before Alek turned three on January 17. He seemed so happy to be home, and he loved to be carried. He weighed only 4 1/2 lb when he came home. He was still one month premature, even though he was 2 months old.

We were so glad when he was finally able to come home. We thought it meant things would finally be normal.

But the hospital insisted we had to keep Maris on an apnea monitor, which would set off an alarm if he ever stopped breathing. The alarm went off constantly because it was overly sensitive. It was horrible. There was no way it could have been comfortable for Maris. During the day, I kept Maris close to me or in an infant carrier so that I did not have to rely on the blasted monitor. I was thrilled when we were finally told we could stop using the darn apnea monitor.

The hospital also insisted we had to give him a medication called Theophylline. He hated it. It was nasty and bitter, and made him throw up. Theophylline was a medication used by people with asthma, to help them keep breathinig. They were afraid he might stop breathing because his lungs were not yet completely matured. Theyt had to do blood tests to make sjure he had the proper theophylline levels. when the levels got too high, he became irritable.

We really did put Maris through so much torment just to keep him alive. To top it off, I accidentally let it slip to his pediatrician that I liked to hold him at night while we both slept. It made him happy, and he slept well.

she told me she hoped I wouldl never do that again, because I could accidentally roll over and suffocate him.

It was a long haul. I know we must have had some happy moments, but some of these horror stories keep going round and round in my mind.

There are so many things I would do differently, if I had a second chance.

Preemie Maris

Maris was born three months early, at 28 weeks gestation.

This picture was taken when he was about a month old....but still 2 months premature. You can see the bandages and a couple tubes. I was not permitted to nirse him because they said he would use more calories to nurse, than he would take in. So they fed him through a little tube that went through his mouth into his tummy.

I felt so sorry that I was unable to nurse Maris. Everything they did to save his life seemed to interfere with our bonding experience. I had nursed both his brothers. I used to pump my milk and bring it to the nursery so they could feed it to Maris through the tiny tubes.

Maris had skin in this picture. When he was born, he was all red because he still did not have all his layers of skin.

He had a perfect Apgar score of 10. He was only about a foot long but I could hear him crying. The doctor was hoping Maris would weigh at least one pound. He weighed 2 lb 12 oz but since much of that was water, he went down to 2 lb.

He looked like E.T. I remember wondering if he would always look like that.

They wrapped him up like a mummy and put on his little hat as soon as he came out into the world, and whisked him off to the intensive care nursery. I only had time to give him a quick kiss before he went. I could see his eyes through the swaddling; they were a bit askew because they had already put in the drops.

When I think of all the totment Maris had to endure just to live, I feel very sad.

I could not be with him every day because for the first week or 2, I tried as much as possible to stay off my feet because I kept bleeding. Finally I had to return to the hospital for a D&C, which finally fixed that problem.

Psychic Attack

Our friend Shelley was sure that Maris had come under "a massive psychic attack." She said when she tried to tune in to him, his soul seemed to be in shreds. She spent a lot of time trying to heal and help his spirit.

Maris was more fragile than people realized. I have no doubt Shelley is right. Maris was vulnerable. He had emotional depths very few people were aware of, and because of his dysthymjia, he did not know how to defend himself. When did the psyhchic attack start? Click on the "Shamanism" label to read Joan's shamanic journey for Maris, and you will see that it could have started hundreds of years ago, and continued to the present day.

In his book Ghosts Among Us, James Van Praagh says the following about psychic attack:

"...If someone sends you negative emotional thoughts...you may feel the effect of such thoughts without realizing the source...if you have not properly protected yourself, the negative thought forms can gradually build up in your mind and body. The results can be detrimental to your well-being and peace of mind. You are under what is referred to as psychic attack....it can be diagnosed by the following symptoms:
--you are easily irritated
--you are ecperiencing bouts of insomnia, depression, or unfounded anger
--you feel overly exhausted and you have continuous thoughts of fear and loss of control.
There is a sense that you are "not yourself" and truthfully, you are not...This energy has seeped into all areas of your being and clouded your judgment. Psychic attack affects every dimension of your life--the emotional, physical, mental and spiritual.

...When we give our energy to others, we have to get it back; otherwise we eventually feel depleted."

A word to the wise. Be careful what thoughts you send out to others. But bottom line is, everyone must protect their own self from what others intentionally or intentionally send your way.

Miscellaneous Feelings and Questions

The last few days have been very rough.

I have lost my greatest treasure. I have failed at what was most important.

I can't begin to describe how much I miss Maris.

There is a huge empty space inside.

I am working on healing the guilt.

Tha anger is harder to deal with. I have a huge amount of anger at the mental health facility where Maris made an appointment on October 22. Why did they let him leave, when he left all the questions about suicide blank?

And of course, the Honolulu Police Department. If they had not been involved, Maris might still be here.

(Of course we would none of us be any the wiser...or would we?...so the ticking bomb might still be there...or maybe not?.....)

We have received so many moving condolences and expressions of grief from people whose lives Maris touched, and who miss him.

But f rom the two guiltiest parties.....who were in the biggest position to help...and who were possibly among the most responsible,...the HPD and the mental health facility...not a single apology...and not a single regret...not even a polite expression of sympathy.

Maris was over 18, so no one was required to call me. But if they had....would it have saved his life?

Guilt

I keep hearing about how bad guilt is.

The book I am reading by James Van Praagh about ghosts says that guilt affects the health of the person experiencing it. But it also has a bad effect on the spirits of our deceased loved ones. It can hold them back from going forward into the light; and is generally distressing to their well being.

This is the best reason for healing my own guilt.

It's not that I don't have lots to feel guilty about. But wallowing in guilt may be harming Maris's spirit.

The Bach Flower Remedy Pine can alleviate guilt.

If I had not reacted to everything over the years with such guilt, it might have been easier to see that Maris had a mental condition that needed to be treated. Maybe I was not the cause of every single difficult day he experienced.

When he came down with an illness, we always reacted appropriately and treated it, or took him to the ER, or whatever was required. How then could we not see that he needed help in other areas?

Well, let's not start all over again with the guilt.

Sharon, our counselor at L.O.S.S., keeps reminding me I am not god....i.e. that if my influence (or lack of) was so powerful, I would be a god).

I maintain I have plenty to feel guilty about. But I realize now that my guilt is not helping Maris, and I need to heal it. Harming my own 2nd and 3rd chakras is the least of my worries.

Forgiving myself may be the most difficult thing I have ever done. But if it helps Maris, and brings him some measure of peace, I will do it.

Suicide Note

Some of Maris's things are missing. The sheath of his knife, also the crock pot lid and liner.....and the suicide note.

We were told there was a suicide note.

The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

I guess i am still in denial. I just can't believe Maris could harm himself. He was so strong. He was such a fighter. Surely this was a wrongful death perpetrated by the Honolulu Police Dept. which they covered up and blamed on him, when it was reallyt their fault.

Some days I think maybe there was some sort of cover operation going on, and they had to stage a very complicated and convincing replica. The body in the coffin was a very skillful replica. Maybe thatg is why the HPD would not allow maris's friends to go to him: because then they would know the truth, they would know it was either a murder or a setup or a fraud.

Some days I think I am losing my mind.

I guess I am still in denial.

When Maris was inelementary school, he had a hard time speaking his thoughts. But he did not write them down, either. His papers were always only a couple of lines long.....except in speech class, where he could actually speak enthusiastically a bout a topic about which he was excited, such as WW2 history or some military thing. The he would momentarily forget his social phobia.

So it seems out of character for him to have written the following note (which we do not have, but which was read to us over the phone by OSI):

"My life was wrong. I wasn't meant for this life. I don't know what I am supposed to learn. Maybe the next one will have a good lesson for me. My mind is terrible. I am evil inside.
Goodbye to my family, I will miss you, all of my friends as well.
No one had any input on my decision to do this by myself, no one is responsible but me.
I am sorry for who this hurts but I am on to my next life now, one of so many before.
Maris Butta"

That is the most he ever wrote in his life. I have not seen the note. OSI assures me it is his writing. I have a hard time believing that. Why was there no date? maybe this details did not occur to him.

The thought crossed my mind that perhaps this not got used over and over. Perhaps Maris was close to the edge often. Perhaps he brought this note out periodically...and at the end of the day maybe he put it away...for next time.

Part of me thinks someone else wrote it. Whoever set this event up. Or maybe it was copied from something on the internet.

I will never know.

I have really lost interest in this life. I want to be with Maris. I want to ask him all these questions in person. I want to hold him and tell him everythinig will be OK.

Moths

They are talking about moths on NPR.

what a horror!

I have a moth phobia. My skin is now crawling. Maybe I should just turn off the radio.

At one point Maris was diagnosed with a social phobia. Is a social phobia like a moth phobia in quality? Do you sweat at the mere thought of having to deal with people?

I used to have that problem. I was terrified of people. People told me I was shy. I think shyness and social phobia are 2 different things.

Mom said I was unkind to people. I just wished people would leave me alone; Is that shyness? or is it social phobia? or is it simply a matter of bad character?

Maybe Maris and I went through life thinking we were bad when we merely had a social phobia.

I kept telling him that what makes a person good or bad is not what goes through their mond, or what they feel, but the choices they make.

If you have a social phobia, or if you have dysthymia, do you really have free will? what can you choose or not choose?

Not sure when I finally overcame my terror of people. Maybe I just got so used to it I stopped thinking about it. I will never be gregarious. But at least I can sort of function around people better than I could when I was a little kid.

And I certainly do wish the best for people. Being terrified of people is not at all the same as wishing them harm.

I have good intentions towards people, and I know Maris did, too.

I am sad that I passed along defective genes to Maris. The last thing I wished for him was to have to go through what I went through growing up. But it was even worse.

Car

Here is Maris's 2001 Toyota Corolla. It was delivered on Saturday, January 30.

The agony never ends.

Crock Pot

Here is Maris's crock pot.

It was in a shipment of his property that arrived on December 30, when I was at the height of the epidemic conjunctivitis and could not see a thing.

I have gione through almost all of his boxes, but I am unable to locate the liner and lid. I really want to be able to use the crock pot, so I will probably buy a liner and lid.

But I keep wondering what happened to the original.

Did he cook something for a pot luck, and transport it in the liner? and did the liner and lid get left behind?

LOSS

The LOSS (Loving Outreach to Survivors of Suicide) Program is a support group for those who are grieving a death by suicide of a family member or close friend.

LOSS offers a safe, non-judgmental place where group members are assisted throughout the grieving process. The support and understanding of the trained clinicians coupled with the knowledge and first-hand experience of veteran LOSS members help survivors to realize that they are not alone, that they are not losing their minds, and that they will not feel this deep intense sadness for the rest of their lives.

We have benefited a lot from the 2 meetings we have attended so far.

TAPS

This website was recommended to us by Mr. Seaney, our casualty assistance officer.

Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors

TAPS is the 24/7 tragedy assistance resource for ANYONE who has suffered the loss of a military loved one, regardless of the relationship to the deceased or the circumstance of the death.

My Prayers These Days

I pray for the 9 (or was it 10) people who might have had a past life with Maris and to whom he owes karmic debts.

The three years demanded by the Angry Man in Joan's shamanic journey is nothing. I would gladly pray for them every day for three lifetimes, as long as it would bring peace,healing, and release to Maris's spirit. (click on the labels for shamanism and shamanic journeys.)

If I am doing the right thing for the wrong reason, so what. I just want there to be a good outcome...for our planet, our universe, and for Maris.

It is all the same thing...isn't it? We are all in this together...and we all need to get out of it in order for the planet to hbe able to evolve.

As long as any one of us is holding on to anger...or refusing to forgive...we will all continue be in hell together...and we will be stuck

Please pray along with me, to whatever divine being you pray to:

May all those whom Maris may have harmed in previous lifetimes be surrounded by countless blessings. May they be happy, healthy, and whole. May all their family and friends be blessed with whatever they need. Especially, I pray for the well-being of the Angry Man and the Medicine Man. May they be filled with Light, in whatever time or place they inhabit...may their hearts be healed. May they radiate compassion to all beings, in all times and places. May they release the bonds they have placed on Maris. May they receive much happiness and all spiritual blessings through releasing these bonds. May the Angry Man and the Medicine Man be filled with the radiance of forgineness. If they have been reborn into this world...who are they? where are they? am I one of them? Then I forgive everyone who has ever harmed or hurt me, including myself. Am I one of them? then I release all anger, bad thoughts, bad feelings, and all other negativity that I have ever felt towards another in every lifetime. Am I one of them? then may I be healed, through and through, may every part of me be healed on every level of being, that my heart may radiate forgiveness, healing, love, and compassion towards all, especially to the soul and spirit of Maris and all his avatars in all times and places. May the soulllll and spirit and being of Maris be surrounded and filled by golden healing light. May he ascend. May he be bathed in golden light within a mandorla of golden light. May he be free. may his soul and spirit be free. May all the souls and spirits of those who he may have hurt lifetimes ago be free. May they be whole, and may all things be well for them. May whatever is shackling him...whether it be of mind, body, soul, or spirit, fall from him, that he may be free in every way. May Maris free himself. May his soul, spirit, and being accept the Light, freedom, and Love that are being sent to him. May he receive freedom and release from whatever thoughts, entities, or vibrations are holding him back. May he accept all the many blessings that are being senbt his way. May he release his despair. May he allow these prayers and blessings to surround and fill him. May the Angry man and the Medicine Man allow these prayers and blessings to come to Maris. May Maris be in a halo, a mandorla of light. May Maris be surrounded with healing and guidance from his ancestors and other enlightened beings who can heal and help him. May all that holds Maris back be healed and released as well, along with that from which it emanates. May we all be healed and may we all be free.

Please add your prayers to mine, that Maris may be healed and released from whatever holds him back. May all that is holding him back be released and healed as well. May Maris be reborn into much happier conditions; and may he be free of destructive patterns that may have held him back through many lifetimes.

Where Am I?

it has been a few months...more than three...since we lost our dearest son Maris.

it has been the longest three months of my life.

I am starting to suspect this is that place they told us about when we were growing up, where very bad people go to be tormented. My life has become Hell.

I have an extremely hard time believing that if you find yourself in Hell, and if you are willing to make changes, and pray, that you will have to stay there for eternity. For a few lifetimes, maybe, but not for all eternity.

If this is Hell, I will do my best to get myself out of here, and rescue as many others as possible

Three months can seem like an eternity.