Maris loved meteorites.
We are not sure yet where the meteorite is that he ordered from United Nuclear. We hope it will be somewhere in the shipment of his personal property that we will receive on December 30.
We want to be able to add it to the shrine we have made for him.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Advent Prayer
I received this prayer from my dear friend Therese. We have included it in our Advent observance this year, and plan to make it part of our annual Advent observance:
Holy God of Advent, you became weak so we could find strength in moments of heartbreak; you left the safety of heaven to wander the wilderness of the world, holding our hands when we feel so hopeless; you set aside your glory to hold our pain so we might be healed, even when there seems to be no hope; you became one of us, so we could never be alone in any moment, in any circumstance.
Come now, Child of Bethlehem, to strengthen us in these days. May we feel your presence in a way we have never known, not just as One born in a stable long ago and far away, but as One born in our hearts, in our hopes, in our spirits, in our weakness.
You have promised to go before us: into our brokenness, into hospital rooms, into empty houses, into graveyards, into our future held by our God, and you are here, even now, waiting for each of us: to serve us, to hold us, to comfort us, to live in us, now and forever. amen.
Holy God of Advent, you became weak so we could find strength in moments of heartbreak; you left the safety of heaven to wander the wilderness of the world, holding our hands when we feel so hopeless; you set aside your glory to hold our pain so we might be healed, even when there seems to be no hope; you became one of us, so we could never be alone in any moment, in any circumstance.
Come now, Child of Bethlehem, to strengthen us in these days. May we feel your presence in a way we have never known, not just as One born in a stable long ago and far away, but as One born in our hearts, in our hopes, in our spirits, in our weakness.
You have promised to go before us: into our brokenness, into hospital rooms, into empty houses, into graveyards, into our future held by our God, and you are here, even now, waiting for each of us: to serve us, to hold us, to comfort us, to live in us, now and forever. amen.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Christmas?
It really does not seem like Christmas this year. This is December 22. Maris would have been home for 5 days by now.
I never stop thinking about him. He is the first thing I think about every morning and the last thing I think about every night.
It is a beautiful winter wonderland out there this morning...but all I can think about is how Maris would have enjoyed this weather.
I never stop thinking about him. He is the first thing I think about every morning and the last thing I think about every night.
It is a beautiful winter wonderland out there this morning...but all I can think about is how Maris would have enjoyed this weather.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Falling Through the Cracks
Why was Maris so good at falling through the cracks?
He was quiet and did not talk much. He did not react to things in an obvious way. He seldom asked for anything.
People took advantage of the way he was.
The loud disruptive kids got all the attention.
In 8th grade, every time Maris did somethjing that his teachers found disturbing, such as carving messages into his skin, his psychiatrist would increase the dosage of the Zoloft he had been prescribed. Maris did not open up. so they increased his meds.
Why did everyone do this to him? Maybe Joan is right. Maybe there has been a curse on Maris all along.
He was quiet and did not talk much. He did not react to things in an obvious way. He seldom asked for anything.
People took advantage of the way he was.
The loud disruptive kids got all the attention.
In 8th grade, every time Maris did somethjing that his teachers found disturbing, such as carving messages into his skin, his psychiatrist would increase the dosage of the Zoloft he had been prescribed. Maris did not open up. so they increased his meds.
Why did everyone do this to him? Maybe Joan is right. Maybe there has been a curse on Maris all along.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
...and if Maris had survived the HPD...
...would I be any wiser? or would I still be blundering in the dark, assuming everything was OK, as i had for the 22 previous years? would we all blithely continue on our merrym unawakened ways, never knowing how close we had come to the abyss?
or...
would I actually go on to heal that tiny baby in the neonatal intensive care nursery as i had been told to do by the whisperings in my mind?
is the Abyss, in some way, essential to our awakening?
Unfortunately we went into it and never emerged..
Some people go into a metaphysical abyss. Others go into an emotional or mental or spiritual abyss. Some go into all four.
Some lucky people, like James Joyce, the author of Araby, have epiphanies before the abyss can swallow them.
or...
would I actually go on to heal that tiny baby in the neonatal intensive care nursery as i had been told to do by the whisperings in my mind?
is the Abyss, in some way, essential to our awakening?
Unfortunately we went into it and never emerged..
Some people go into a metaphysical abyss. Others go into an emotional or mental or spiritual abyss. Some go into all four.
Some lucky people, like James Joyce, the author of Araby, have epiphanies before the abyss can swallow them.
HPD
I awaken every morning thinking that I have just had the worst nightmare of my life, and that I can finally wake up.
But then a feeling of deep grief and horror flood through me, and I realize this is a nightmare from which I can't awaken.
My grief turns to rage when I think of the Honolulu Police Department.
They were called to do a rescue, but instead they caused a death.
The OSI investigation is still going on, and I do not yet have complete reliable data that I can post.
Maris seemed to be having some sort of crisis...possibly psychotic. But what caused it? medication that makes people suicidal? alcohol? a traumatic event? massive psychic attack?
So here is all I know:
Maris came back from a hike on Thursday, seemed OK on Friday and Saturday, but something very very bad happened on Sunday. His friends got worried because he was texting rather than telephoning, and the quality of the messages was disturbing. They saw him at dinner. He was unusually quiet. They saw him texting a message to Philip. He went home. There were worrisomne text messages. Maris went to the airport. The friends called the Master Sgt, who called 911.
( I will blog separately about the FOID card, the mental health clinic, and my own interaction with the HPD, as well as bad incidents in 2001 - 2002 involving the Chicago Police. Suffice it to say that to Maris, police are really Bad Medicine.)
The friends tried to do a rescue. Maris told them where he was. He had been there for a while...doing what? gazing up at the stars? waiting for the friends? trying to feel better? He had his knife, just as he had in 2000 / 2001. Knives gave him a sense of comfort and protection. The police came. They saw Maris near the embankment at the top level of the airport parking structure. A police officer asked Maris to step away from the embankment. He asked what Maris was holding. Maris dropped the knife. He said "Nothing." A car came up the ramp. The officer looked towards the car to see who it was...another police officer? an ordinary citizen looking for a parking spot?
When he looked back Maris was gone.
My gut is telling me this is a lie. There is more to the story. But what?
Is there anyone besides myself who thinks that if the police had not come...or if they had allowed the friends to go to Maris...or if they had been better trained...or if they were less arrogant...or more sincere and compassionate....if only one little thing had been different....that Maris might have survived?
Fact: the HPD does not like the military stationed near Honolulu.
The police prevented the friends from entering the parking structure. At what point did thie interference occur?
If the police prevented the friends from going to Maris while he was still alive, then the police caused Maris's death.
That is why it is so crucial to know the exact time each of these events occurred. Can we count on the HPD to be honest about that?
Bringing suit against the HPD will not bring Maris back...and it will take money away from a possible suicide prevention training program that the HPD desperately need to take. ...but do they know how badly they need one?
Are they familiar with the words "Serve and Protect?" my own interpretation of those words might be different than theirs.
Would a lawsuit bring about their awakening? would it make them less arrogant, resentful, narrowminded, and lazy? would it make them a more efficient, more sincere, more caring and compassionate police department? Would it make them hate the military any less?
Their customer service is the worst anywhere.
Would a lawsuit make them...dare i say...less evil?
What would make them less evil? What would make them less wicked?
What would make them sorry for what they have done?
Whatever that is, that is what they need. It will not bring Maris back...but perhaps it might save someone else's life.
May Ma'at bring what they need. May Ma'at bring what we all need. May Ma'at reveal the truth.
But then a feeling of deep grief and horror flood through me, and I realize this is a nightmare from which I can't awaken.
My grief turns to rage when I think of the Honolulu Police Department.
They were called to do a rescue, but instead they caused a death.
The OSI investigation is still going on, and I do not yet have complete reliable data that I can post.
Maris seemed to be having some sort of crisis...possibly psychotic. But what caused it? medication that makes people suicidal? alcohol? a traumatic event? massive psychic attack?
So here is all I know:
Maris came back from a hike on Thursday, seemed OK on Friday and Saturday, but something very very bad happened on Sunday. His friends got worried because he was texting rather than telephoning, and the quality of the messages was disturbing. They saw him at dinner. He was unusually quiet. They saw him texting a message to Philip. He went home. There were worrisomne text messages. Maris went to the airport. The friends called the Master Sgt, who called 911.
( I will blog separately about the FOID card, the mental health clinic, and my own interaction with the HPD, as well as bad incidents in 2001 - 2002 involving the Chicago Police. Suffice it to say that to Maris, police are really Bad Medicine.)
The friends tried to do a rescue. Maris told them where he was. He had been there for a while...doing what? gazing up at the stars? waiting for the friends? trying to feel better? He had his knife, just as he had in 2000 / 2001. Knives gave him a sense of comfort and protection. The police came. They saw Maris near the embankment at the top level of the airport parking structure. A police officer asked Maris to step away from the embankment. He asked what Maris was holding. Maris dropped the knife. He said "Nothing." A car came up the ramp. The officer looked towards the car to see who it was...another police officer? an ordinary citizen looking for a parking spot?
When he looked back Maris was gone.
My gut is telling me this is a lie. There is more to the story. But what?
Is there anyone besides myself who thinks that if the police had not come...or if they had allowed the friends to go to Maris...or if they had been better trained...or if they were less arrogant...or more sincere and compassionate....if only one little thing had been different....that Maris might have survived?
Fact: the HPD does not like the military stationed near Honolulu.
The police prevented the friends from entering the parking structure. At what point did thie interference occur?
If the police prevented the friends from going to Maris while he was still alive, then the police caused Maris's death.
That is why it is so crucial to know the exact time each of these events occurred. Can we count on the HPD to be honest about that?
Bringing suit against the HPD will not bring Maris back...and it will take money away from a possible suicide prevention training program that the HPD desperately need to take. ...but do they know how badly they need one?
Are they familiar with the words "Serve and Protect?" my own interpretation of those words might be different than theirs.
Would a lawsuit bring about their awakening? would it make them less arrogant, resentful, narrowminded, and lazy? would it make them a more efficient, more sincere, more caring and compassionate police department? Would it make them hate the military any less?
Their customer service is the worst anywhere.
Would a lawsuit make them...dare i say...less evil?
What would make them less evil? What would make them less wicked?
What would make them sorry for what they have done?
Whatever that is, that is what they need. It will not bring Maris back...but perhaps it might save someone else's life.
May Ma'at bring what they need. May Ma'at bring what we all need. May Ma'at reveal the truth.
Log Cabin Quilt
I so wanted to make a quilt for Maris. I wanted to wrap him in love, so that he would feel cozy and secure.
I managed to make a quilt for Philip because he was a young kid and he kept after me about it. But Alek is still waiting for his quilt, and so is Maris.
I took Maris to the Quilter's Palette Shop to look at fabric. I was pretty sure he would want prints in shades of warm gray, black, and white, with maybe some olice green tossed in. But he also liked red.
I took Maris to the Quilter's Palette Shop to look at fabric. I was pretty sure he would want prints in shades of warm gray, black, and white, with maybe some olice green tossed in. But he also liked red.
There was a beautiful fabric in shades of gray that he liked because it looked like smoke.
We decided the Log Cabin block would be perfect for Maris, because at the center of each block is a square of red that represents the fire on the hearth of the log cabin. Maris liked fire, and at one time walked about wanting to be a fireman or, when he got older, of majoring in fire science and technology. He was really hoping the Air Force would have wanted him to be a fireman, but they had enough firemen.
Because Maris was so interested in the Underground Railroad, I planned to make one o the squares with a black square for the hearth (which meant the house owning that quilt was a stop on tne Underground Railroad). Maris was very compassionate towards people who were worse off thanhimself, and I wanted the quilt to symbolize that people would always have a safe haven with Maris.
We went home to measure his bed, to see how much fabric we would need; and also to choose some log cabin patters from my books. When I went back to buy it a few weeks later, the shop had gone out of business.
I did not get my act together to locate another quilt store. It seemed as if there was never enough time to travel the distance to other quilt shps, that were further away.
I stupidly thought I had plenty of time to make the quilt.
Yet another disappointment.
Do not ever put anything off for the future!!
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Stoic Warriors
I bought this book for the library where I work, and thought Maris might like to read it so I checked it out for him.
When I first read a review of the book, I had a wave of emotion come over me...as it does whenever I realize a deep truth. I realized that in addition to whatever else Maris might be, he was certainly stoical. Perhaps he did not intend to be that way, but he was that.
An interesting discussion with the author of this book includes the following: "Some have argued that there is a growing gap between the culture of military service and its ethos of service before self, and our civilian culture, which focuses on individual flourishing and material self-interest. In an age of increasing professionalization and privatization of the military, this seems an inescapable question for us today. "
I often feel as if I do not belong in this world, and I know Maris felt the same way.
He was a lot more courageous and honest than I am.
Hints From the Cosmos?
I have asked myself ten thousand times, "How could I not have known?"
About a year ago, or less, I started hearing a new script in my head. It said, "Heal the tiny baby that was Maris."
I did start to work on this. But I thought I had more time.
I began to visualize the tiny lonely baby in the intensive care nursery, who used to sleep all the time. I saw myself going there at all hours of the day and night, I saw myself sitting there holding him 24/7. I began to tell him over and over how much I loved him. I replayed all the difficult and upsetting teenage and grade school incidents, and sent healing light to them.
This might be considered healing on the spiritual level...perhaps. but it did not touch the emotional, physical, or mental levels.
It did not occur to me to talk to Maris about finding healing for himself related to the tiny baby he used to be, who endured so much pain in the neonatal nursery. If I had had a serious talk with him about all the different kinds of pain he endured over the years, perhaps he might have sought help sooner. Perhaps he would not have internalized everything as much.
My birthday and Christmas presents to him were going to be another soul retrieval from Joan, and another past life regression from Susan Wiseheart or maybe someone else.
The next time I get this kind of message from the cosmos, my angels, or my guides, I will act on it immediately and all at once.
I will not assume I have all the time in the world to accomplish this, and that I can do it when it is convenient for me.
About a year ago, or less, I started hearing a new script in my head. It said, "Heal the tiny baby that was Maris."
I did start to work on this. But I thought I had more time.
I began to visualize the tiny lonely baby in the intensive care nursery, who used to sleep all the time. I saw myself going there at all hours of the day and night, I saw myself sitting there holding him 24/7. I began to tell him over and over how much I loved him. I replayed all the difficult and upsetting teenage and grade school incidents, and sent healing light to them.
This might be considered healing on the spiritual level...perhaps. but it did not touch the emotional, physical, or mental levels.
It did not occur to me to talk to Maris about finding healing for himself related to the tiny baby he used to be, who endured so much pain in the neonatal nursery. If I had had a serious talk with him about all the different kinds of pain he endured over the years, perhaps he might have sought help sooner. Perhaps he would not have internalized everything as much.
My birthday and Christmas presents to him were going to be another soul retrieval from Joan, and another past life regression from Susan Wiseheart or maybe someone else.
The next time I get this kind of message from the cosmos, my angels, or my guides, I will act on it immediately and all at once.
I will not assume I have all the time in the world to accomplish this, and that I can do it when it is convenient for me.
Seven Promises
I came across these Seven Promises of the Most Holy Mother of God to St. Bridget.
One promise for each sorrow, one promise for each sword.
Pieta
I wonder if she ever felt guilty for bringing Him into the world. Did she have any idea of what He would go through? She had been told seven swords would pierce her heart; but not what they were.
The difference between us is the She is the best mother in the world, and I am the worst.
It is so hard knowing what The Plan is. We can never know, because of our puny, limited human consciousness. We can just have faith that there is one. But having that faith makes the pain any less.
Before my spirit and Maris's spirits were incarnated, did we agree this would happen? or did this life go terrible wrong for both of us? What were we supposed to get out of this experience?
I have sometimes told my kids that each hard thing you go through makes you stronger and prepares you for the next even harder thing.
How much do we have to endure before we are released from this world?
December 16
Maris was supposed to come home on leave today.
A few months ago he told us his leave had been approved. We were so looking forward to seeing him.
The last time he came home was November of 2008, for his 21st birthday and Thanksgiving. We had no idea we would never see him alive again.
I am so grateful his brothers had a chance to spend that time with him.
Alek had been disappointed that progress was slow regarding his transition into the Marines.
I told Alek whatever happened was for the best. He could not understand that. I told him it was a good thing he could be at home to spend some extra time with Maris, and maybe that is why things worked out for Alek as they had.
A few months ago he told us his leave had been approved. We were so looking forward to seeing him.
The last time he came home was November of 2008, for his 21st birthday and Thanksgiving. We had no idea we would never see him alive again.
I am so grateful his brothers had a chance to spend that time with him.
Alek had been disappointed that progress was slow regarding his transition into the Marines.
I told Alek whatever happened was for the best. He could not understand that. I told him it was a good thing he could be at home to spend some extra time with Maris, and maybe that is why things worked out for Alek as they had.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Whom Was Maris Named After?
Maris was supposed to have been a Pisces. Instead his sun sign was Scorpio. That is how early he was born. We had not yet picked out names. We were so worried about the baby simply surviving that we had not had time to do any of those fun, relaxed prenatal activities.
When the hospital staff came to get his name for the birth certificate, I did not want the same thing to happen that happened when Alek was born...hey said they would come back in a while to get the middle name (over which we had some disagreement) and they never came back. We discovered 5 years later Alek's birth certificate bore the name "Baby Boy Butta."
So I quickly spit out the first names that came to mind: Maris and Michael.
Maris Liepa was my favorite ballet dancer. Here is Liepa's obituary. I had seen him perform the part of Crassus in the Spartacus Ballet, and never got over it. I sat in the 5th row from the front at Chicago's Civic Opera House at this amazing, incredible ballet. Afterwards went backstage to get Liepa's autograph. Wow! one of the high points of my life.
Michael Carl Pabisinski 1965-1993 was my cousin and godson; and he was Maris's godfather.
Funeral Program
Here is the program Joan and Demetria made for the funeral services at Smith-Corcoran and St. Adalbert Cemetery.
Memorial at Hickam
Here is the program they distributed for the Memorial at Hickam AFB in Hawaii. (If you click on any image on this blog, it will open a full size image.)
Funeral Card Prayer
This is the prayer from the back of the funeral card we made for the services. Alek helped us select the perfect prayer.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Prenatal Experiences
Alexander was born on January 17, 1985. In autumn of 1985 I accidentally got pregnant with twin girls. (Because I was still nursing Alek, I did not think I was fertile. But apparently mu hormone levels had dropped.)
I did not know I had an incompetent cervix. I had a miscarriage at 20 weeks gestation in January 1986, and the baby girls died.
After that. my body was really messed up for about a year. I felt tired, my cycles were off, I had a black mark on my cheek, and was unable to get pregnant again..
I visited the Chicago Women's Health Collective (in Links Hall at Clark and Sheffield) trying to recover. They worked with my energy meridians using acupuncture and moxibustion, and fed me nourishing herbs and vitamins. I told them my goal was to be able to get pregnant again. Perhaps it would have been wiser to tell them my health goal was to become totally healthy.
In spring of 1987 I got pregnant with Maris. When I told the doctors at CWHC I thought I was pregnant, they insisted it was not possible because my body was still too messed up. But the pregnancy test was positive, so I very stupidly stopped going to them, partly because it was getting to be very costly in terms of time and money, and partly because I thought the fact that I had become pregnant meant I was OK.
Why did Maris come to someone as messed up as I was? what was the nature of the karmic connection between Maris and me?
Ray and I had health coverage through a very unsatisfactory plan called Compass HMO.
Our primary care physician was at Columbus Hospital. My ObGyn was Matthew
Ahranjani. He had attended me through the miscarriage of the twins, and thought that the miscarriage had occurred because it is not uncommon for women carrying twins to miscarry.
When I got pregnant with Maris, Dr. Ahranjani did not treat me as high-risk. But at 20 weeks. I began to feel truly lousy. I now know that is because I was in early labor; but I did not realize it at the time.
When I got up one morning and noticed I was leaking amniotic fluid, I panicked and called Dr. Ahranjani to say I was rushing to the emergency room of Columbus Hospital. There, my cervix was stitched up using cerclage and I was put on total bed rest.
The membranes were bulging through the opening of the cervix, and I was not permitted to get up even for trips to the bathroom. In addition, I was put on an extremely dangerous drug called Ritodrine, to stop labor. It had a bad effect on my heart rate, and possibly my glaucoma. I wondered what effect it was having on Maris.
The HMO kept calling every day to see if I was still in the hospital. They pressured my doctor to send me home because it was expensive keeping me there. He tried to keep me in the hospital because he felt it was very dangerous to send me home. But he was getting very annoyed at the HMO and they way they interfered with the treatment he wanted for me.
I was sent home, and we basically turned our house into a hospital room. It was a very bad experience. Every few hours when the Ritodrine wore off, I felt the contractions starting again. I was in constant fear of miscarriage. I was so fearful and worried that I was not able to enjoy the pregnancy with Maris the way I had enjoyed being pregnant with Alek.
My husband and my elderly mother cared for me, helped with bedpans, etc. It was horrible. It was like being in a nursing home only worse because in a nursing home, you do not live in constant fear of losing your baby.
One day I woke up and noticed pale blood stains on the sheets. I freaked out again, and called the emergency room. There was something wrong with my placenta, and they re-admitted me to the hospital.
I tried communing with Maris, but it was hard because I had a very hard time relaxing enough to commune.
I was in the hospital that time for a couple days before Maris was born. The doctor who was covering for Dr. Ahranjani broke my water. He pretended he was checking to see how much I was dilated, but I knew he was messing with my cervix because of the pain. He had called in all the interns and residents to witness this "examination." Were they all taken in by this lie? I ran into one of the interns a few weeks later, and I did not think fast enough. I should have spoken with her at length about this experience, and ased her if she knew the doctor was NOT examining me but rather breaking my water. At the time, I was taken by surprise and was not thinking quickly. Afterwards I felt it was incredibly stupid of me not to have at least taken her name. she was glad I was OK and the baby was OK. I wonder if she knew the truth about the doctor.
Was he motivated to get his friend, Dr. Ahranjani, off the hook with Compass HMO? why did he do this to me? why did he do this to Maris? why? he is a monster. I wish I could remember his name. m I would broadcast the truth about him to the entire universe.
Maris was born a few hours later, and became the responsibility of th e Intensive Care Nursery at Columbus Hospital.
I did not know I had an incompetent cervix. I had a miscarriage at 20 weeks gestation in January 1986, and the baby girls died.
After that. my body was really messed up for about a year. I felt tired, my cycles were off, I had a black mark on my cheek, and was unable to get pregnant again..
I visited the Chicago Women's Health Collective (in Links Hall at Clark and Sheffield) trying to recover. They worked with my energy meridians using acupuncture and moxibustion, and fed me nourishing herbs and vitamins. I told them my goal was to be able to get pregnant again. Perhaps it would have been wiser to tell them my health goal was to become totally healthy.
In spring of 1987 I got pregnant with Maris. When I told the doctors at CWHC I thought I was pregnant, they insisted it was not possible because my body was still too messed up. But the pregnancy test was positive, so I very stupidly stopped going to them, partly because it was getting to be very costly in terms of time and money, and partly because I thought the fact that I had become pregnant meant I was OK.
Why did Maris come to someone as messed up as I was? what was the nature of the karmic connection between Maris and me?
Ray and I had health coverage through a very unsatisfactory plan called Compass HMO.
Our primary care physician was at Columbus Hospital. My ObGyn was Matthew
Ahranjani. He had attended me through the miscarriage of the twins, and thought that the miscarriage had occurred because it is not uncommon for women carrying twins to miscarry.
When I got pregnant with Maris, Dr. Ahranjani did not treat me as high-risk. But at 20 weeks. I began to feel truly lousy. I now know that is because I was in early labor; but I did not realize it at the time.
When I got up one morning and noticed I was leaking amniotic fluid, I panicked and called Dr. Ahranjani to say I was rushing to the emergency room of Columbus Hospital. There, my cervix was stitched up using cerclage and I was put on total bed rest.
The membranes were bulging through the opening of the cervix, and I was not permitted to get up even for trips to the bathroom. In addition, I was put on an extremely dangerous drug called Ritodrine, to stop labor. It had a bad effect on my heart rate, and possibly my glaucoma. I wondered what effect it was having on Maris.
The HMO kept calling every day to see if I was still in the hospital. They pressured my doctor to send me home because it was expensive keeping me there. He tried to keep me in the hospital because he felt it was very dangerous to send me home. But he was getting very annoyed at the HMO and they way they interfered with the treatment he wanted for me.
I was sent home, and we basically turned our house into a hospital room. It was a very bad experience. Every few hours when the Ritodrine wore off, I felt the contractions starting again. I was in constant fear of miscarriage. I was so fearful and worried that I was not able to enjoy the pregnancy with Maris the way I had enjoyed being pregnant with Alek.
My husband and my elderly mother cared for me, helped with bedpans, etc. It was horrible. It was like being in a nursing home only worse because in a nursing home, you do not live in constant fear of losing your baby.
One day I woke up and noticed pale blood stains on the sheets. I freaked out again, and called the emergency room. There was something wrong with my placenta, and they re-admitted me to the hospital.
I tried communing with Maris, but it was hard because I had a very hard time relaxing enough to commune.
I was in the hospital that time for a couple days before Maris was born. The doctor who was covering for Dr. Ahranjani broke my water. He pretended he was checking to see how much I was dilated, but I knew he was messing with my cervix because of the pain. He had called in all the interns and residents to witness this "examination." Were they all taken in by this lie? I ran into one of the interns a few weeks later, and I did not think fast enough. I should have spoken with her at length about this experience, and ased her if she knew the doctor was NOT examining me but rather breaking my water. At the time, I was taken by surprise and was not thinking quickly. Afterwards I felt it was incredibly stupid of me not to have at least taken her name. she was glad I was OK and the baby was OK. I wonder if she knew the truth about the doctor.
Was he motivated to get his friend, Dr. Ahranjani, off the hook with Compass HMO? why did he do this to me? why did he do this to Maris? why? he is a monster. I wish I could remember his name. m I would broadcast the truth about him to the entire universe.
Maris was born a few hours later, and became the responsibility of th e Intensive Care Nursery at Columbus Hospital.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Act of Contrition
The whole way over the ocean to Hawaii, I recited the Act of Contrition:
"O my God, I am heartily sorry
for having offended Thee,
and I detest all my sins,
because of thy just punishments,
but most of all because they offend Thee, my God,
Who art all-good and deserving of all my love.
I firmly resolve, with the help
of Thy grace to sin no more
and avoid the near occasions of sin.
Amen"
This is the first time in about35 years it has occurred to me to recite this prayer.
United States English translation (as in Baltimore Catechism)
"O my God, I am heartily sorry
for having offended Thee,
and I detest all my sins,
because of thy just punishments,
but most of all because they offend Thee, my God,
Who art all-good and deserving of all my love.
I firmly resolve, with the help
of Thy grace to sin no more
and avoid the near occasions of sin.
Amen"
This is the first time in about35 years it has occurred to me to recite this prayer.
United States English translation (as in Baltimore Catechism)
Reincarnation
Maris, you said you did not know what lesson this life was supposed to teach you. You said you did not like your thoughts. You said you felt evil.
Reincarnation is a great mystery. It is not something you can figure out only with your mind, but with your heart, your instincts, and your being. If we could figure it out with our minds, there would be no reason to experience it with our emotions and out physical embodiment.
I don't know what the purpose of my own life is, either. It may take us many lifetimes to figure that out. We may not be meant to know it, that would be cheating.
You were suffering too much. I want you to be at peace. I believe that now you are receiving the support and guidance and healing you need to prepare you for the next lifetime.
You chose an exceptionally difficult and painful life for this lifetime. Perhaps the purpose was not for you to learn anything, or make sense of anything. Perhaps you sacrificed yourself so that I would learn what I needed to learn in this lifetime.
May there be forgiveness and healing for both of us. May I be wiser in our next lifetime together.
I offer you all my love and all my gratitude.
Reincarnation is a great mystery. It is not something you can figure out only with your mind, but with your heart, your instincts, and your being. If we could figure it out with our minds, there would be no reason to experience it with our emotions and out physical embodiment.
I don't know what the purpose of my own life is, either. It may take us many lifetimes to figure that out. We may not be meant to know it, that would be cheating.
You were suffering too much. I want you to be at peace. I believe that now you are receiving the support and guidance and healing you need to prepare you for the next lifetime.
You chose an exceptionally difficult and painful life for this lifetime. Perhaps the purpose was not for you to learn anything, or make sense of anything. Perhaps you sacrificed yourself so that I would learn what I needed to learn in this lifetime.
May there be forgiveness and healing for both of us. May I be wiser in our next lifetime together.
I offer you all my love and all my gratitude.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Eulogy
This is the eulogy composed and read for Maris by Ray's cousin's wife, Tiffany Crate:
SrA Maris Michael Butta
November 16, 1987 – October 26, 2009
Maris Michael Butta was born on November 16, 1987, at a mere 28 weeks gestation. He was supposed to have been born in February of ‘88. When it became apparent that Maris was going to be born early, the doctor expressed a hope that Maris would weigh at least one pound as that would improve his chances of survival. In fact, he weighed in at 2 lb 12 oz, with a perfect Apgar score of 10.
Baby Maris was a fighter. He survived all the painful medical tests and treatments that he endured on a daily basis. Relentless drawing of blood meant that Maris also needed frequent blood transfusions. Because he was relatively large for a preemie, the staff assumed he was one month older than he was. Eventually, Baby Maris was old enough and developed enough to go home to his family.
Maris was very aware of his connection with Deity. Happiest when in nature, Maris loved hiking, mountain climbing, and generally exploring the great outdoors. His dad and mom fondly recall the family’s many adventures to beautiful destinations like Door County, Niagara Falls, Manistique, and White Pines, to name just a few. On one car ride along Lake Michigan, Maris wanted to get out every few miles to walk through the various ecosystems such as the woodlands, the beach, and the sand dunes. At the top of one sand dune, the whole family had a unique experience when Maris spotted a porcupine in a tree. As Maris and the porcupine looked at one another, the family realized that none of them had ever seen a porcupine in its natural habitat.
As for beloved pets, the family has several cats, among whom Maris favored Stripey. In all of these precious photos, we can see the love he had for Stripey as well as their other felines.
On another occasion in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, Maris and his family were hiking the splendid trails that wound all around a series of waterfalls. Maris and his brother Philip ran ahead with excitement to the next mile marker, while their parents drove and met up with them. You see, it was Maris who was most proactive about experiencing as much as possible out in nature. Being in nature gave Maris a feeling of freedom and a sense of a Presence greater than himself.
Maris dreamed of one day climbing Mount Everest. He and his brother Alex talked about it a lot. We wonder if perhaps Maris’ spirit is standing on that mountain peak right now, thoroughly spent and exhilarated from the arduous climb, looking down on us as we remember him today…
Alex and Maris had plenty of brotherly adventures together that were filled with the sort of unplanned problem-solving that makes for treasured memories. On one such journey, they were out for a long bike ride along the lakefront. They began at their home near Kimball and Lawrence on the northwest side and road all the way south of the museum campus. On their way back, Maris’ pedal broke off his bike. Now, in case you’ve never had the occasion to experience this particular conundrum, you might not have realized just how important that second pedal is. Well, being near Belmont Harbor, Maris was inspired by the notion of what a tug boat does and found a piece of rope. The brothers tied Maris’ bicycle to Alex’s and Alex proceeded to tug Maris all the way back home!
Maris liked to know the nuts and bolts of how things worked. He helped his dad work on the car, computers, and bicycles. He and his dad went mountain biking in Kettle Moraine State Park just before Maris left to join the Air Force. That was a special time for his dad who felt particularly thankful to have some one-on-one time with Maris.
His mom distinctly recalls how, even at a very young age, Maris took great interest in military history. In fact, Maris’ experience with the Air Force was one of the proudest and most satisfying achievements of his all-too-short life. A member of the 8th Intel squad at Hickam Air Force Base in Hawaii, Maris prepared and presented briefings, conducted pre-mission analysis, analyzed post-mission assessments, and collected, analyzed, and exploited threat information. These duties and so many others too lengthy to include here enabled our US military to reduce drug profit by 1.5 million dollars and disrupt Taliban terror operations.
Maris received numerous military awards, including the Air Force Organizational Excellence Award, the Air Force Good Conduct Medal, the National Defense Service Medal, the Global War on Terror Service Medal, and the Air Force Training Ribbon. He was hand selected by his Squadron Commander to escort the arrival of three Royal Thai Air Force Generals which he did with flawless execution.
When one reads the performance evaluations that Maris’ superiors shared with us, it is difficult to fathom how he managed to do so much in the three years that he served in the US Air Force.
His mom says Maris had the purest heart, the brightest spirit, the bravest soul, and the kindest and most compassionate nature of anyone she ever knew. His dad attests that Maris was always willing to bend over backwards to help his friends and his family. He was a regular blood donor and a registered bone marrow donor, and served many hours as a volunteer for a multitude of fundraisers.
Maris was always sweet and thoughtful. When he was just 13 years old, he gave his younger brother Philip a little green bear wearing a peridot stone around its neck. Maris knew that peridot is Philip’s birthstone.
Philip points out that Maris was an independent person who did not conform to other’s norms. While home for a visit last year, he sat in on some of Philip’s classes at Northwestern. While Philip took lecture notes, Maris looked around and noted that the majority of students all dressed alike. In one classroom, he counted 40 girls wearing Uggs boots and according to him, there were far too many North Face jackets peppering the campus. When I asked Philip what Maris was wearing, Philip replied, “Well, his hair was a Mohawk, and he wore aviator sunglasses and a belt with bullet shell casings. He was cool.”
Maris’ parents are so grateful and honored that he chose to be a part of their family during his brief earth-walk. He was a warrior from birth until death and he will be greatly missed by all of his friends and family. We honor Maris’ passing, and we know that his spirit will be with us always.
November 16, 1987 – October 26, 2009
Maris Michael Butta was born on November 16, 1987, at a mere 28 weeks gestation. He was supposed to have been born in February of ‘88. When it became apparent that Maris was going to be born early, the doctor expressed a hope that Maris would weigh at least one pound as that would improve his chances of survival. In fact, he weighed in at 2 lb 12 oz, with a perfect Apgar score of 10.
Baby Maris was a fighter. He survived all the painful medical tests and treatments that he endured on a daily basis. Relentless drawing of blood meant that Maris also needed frequent blood transfusions. Because he was relatively large for a preemie, the staff assumed he was one month older than he was. Eventually, Baby Maris was old enough and developed enough to go home to his family.
Maris was very aware of his connection with Deity. Happiest when in nature, Maris loved hiking, mountain climbing, and generally exploring the great outdoors. His dad and mom fondly recall the family’s many adventures to beautiful destinations like Door County, Niagara Falls, Manistique, and White Pines, to name just a few. On one car ride along Lake Michigan, Maris wanted to get out every few miles to walk through the various ecosystems such as the woodlands, the beach, and the sand dunes. At the top of one sand dune, the whole family had a unique experience when Maris spotted a porcupine in a tree. As Maris and the porcupine looked at one another, the family realized that none of them had ever seen a porcupine in its natural habitat.
As for beloved pets, the family has several cats, among whom Maris favored Stripey. In all of these precious photos, we can see the love he had for Stripey as well as their other felines.
On another occasion in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, Maris and his family were hiking the splendid trails that wound all around a series of waterfalls. Maris and his brother Philip ran ahead with excitement to the next mile marker, while their parents drove and met up with them. You see, it was Maris who was most proactive about experiencing as much as possible out in nature. Being in nature gave Maris a feeling of freedom and a sense of a Presence greater than himself.
Maris dreamed of one day climbing Mount Everest. He and his brother Alex talked about it a lot. We wonder if perhaps Maris’ spirit is standing on that mountain peak right now, thoroughly spent and exhilarated from the arduous climb, looking down on us as we remember him today…
Alex and Maris had plenty of brotherly adventures together that were filled with the sort of unplanned problem-solving that makes for treasured memories. On one such journey, they were out for a long bike ride along the lakefront. They began at their home near Kimball and Lawrence on the northwest side and road all the way south of the museum campus. On their way back, Maris’ pedal broke off his bike. Now, in case you’ve never had the occasion to experience this particular conundrum, you might not have realized just how important that second pedal is. Well, being near Belmont Harbor, Maris was inspired by the notion of what a tug boat does and found a piece of rope. The brothers tied Maris’ bicycle to Alex’s and Alex proceeded to tug Maris all the way back home!
Maris liked to know the nuts and bolts of how things worked. He helped his dad work on the car, computers, and bicycles. He and his dad went mountain biking in Kettle Moraine State Park just before Maris left to join the Air Force. That was a special time for his dad who felt particularly thankful to have some one-on-one time with Maris.
His mom distinctly recalls how, even at a very young age, Maris took great interest in military history. In fact, Maris’ experience with the Air Force was one of the proudest and most satisfying achievements of his all-too-short life. A member of the 8th Intel squad at Hickam Air Force Base in Hawaii, Maris prepared and presented briefings, conducted pre-mission analysis, analyzed post-mission assessments, and collected, analyzed, and exploited threat information. These duties and so many others too lengthy to include here enabled our US military to reduce drug profit by 1.5 million dollars and disrupt Taliban terror operations.
Maris received numerous military awards, including the Air Force Organizational Excellence Award, the Air Force Good Conduct Medal, the National Defense Service Medal, the Global War on Terror Service Medal, and the Air Force Training Ribbon. He was hand selected by his Squadron Commander to escort the arrival of three Royal Thai Air Force Generals which he did with flawless execution.
When one reads the performance evaluations that Maris’ superiors shared with us, it is difficult to fathom how he managed to do so much in the three years that he served in the US Air Force.
His mom says Maris had the purest heart, the brightest spirit, the bravest soul, and the kindest and most compassionate nature of anyone she ever knew. His dad attests that Maris was always willing to bend over backwards to help his friends and his family. He was a regular blood donor and a registered bone marrow donor, and served many hours as a volunteer for a multitude of fundraisers.
Maris was always sweet and thoughtful. When he was just 13 years old, he gave his younger brother Philip a little green bear wearing a peridot stone around its neck. Maris knew that peridot is Philip’s birthstone.
Philip points out that Maris was an independent person who did not conform to other’s norms. While home for a visit last year, he sat in on some of Philip’s classes at Northwestern. While Philip took lecture notes, Maris looked around and noted that the majority of students all dressed alike. In one classroom, he counted 40 girls wearing Uggs boots and according to him, there were far too many North Face jackets peppering the campus. When I asked Philip what Maris was wearing, Philip replied, “Well, his hair was a Mohawk, and he wore aviator sunglasses and a belt with bullet shell casings. He was cool.”
Maris’ parents are so grateful and honored that he chose to be a part of their family during his brief earth-walk. He was a warrior from birth until death and he will be greatly missed by all of his friends and family. We honor Maris’ passing, and we know that his spirit will be with us always.
Social Phobia
Maris was diagnosed with Social Phobia a few years ago. Did it get out of control? He did an amazing number of things in spite of it, if that is the case. I wonder if he just couldn't stand it any more?
I was painfully shy as a child, perhaps he inherited this unfortunate chromosome from me.
I understand there is a difference between shyness and social phobia. I know a lot of shy people who are sweet, kind, and gentle. They like people, it's just that they are shy and do not like to be in the spotlight.
I was not one of them. I tended to avoid interacting with people at all costs....like crossing the street to avoid a cluster of people..., because my shyness was painful to me; and I did not like to be around people if I did not have to.
Mom used to get in my face about it, and tell me i was cold and unkind to people. I did not see it that way. But i used to pray to God every night to make me a good person, anyway.
After a few years of this kind of praying, I just began to think I was misanthropic or just plain evil.
I wonder if Maris felt this way, too.
I was fairly compliant, eager to please Mom, and wanted her spproval. So I let her put me into situations that made me extremly uncomfortable.
Eventually I learned how to imitate kids at school who were extroverted, or OK in social settings, or who really did like people.
Some of them saw through me...like Susan Parenti, who told me I was trying to be an extrovert when I was not an extrovert. She signed my yearbook "From the Loud Noise to the Quiet Music." It was very healing to be around people like Susan, who had no expectations of me, and who really did want me to be myself, and who saw some faint sparks of worthiness in me.
Eventually I sort of got over the debilitating shyness....although it is a never-ending process.
I still can't figure people out, and it is such a relief to not have to deal with them. I would rather spend my free time in nature or with a good book or with my hobbies.
i learned to role play and pretend. It made me feel dishonest...but at least I could hold down a job and support myself. I feel so sad that Maris had to go through this...or worse.
Maybe i am just more accepting of my dark side than Maris was. I am infinitely more evil than he ever was.
I feel so bad that he thought he was evil, or that his thoughts were evil. He was a kind and true soul, and it causes me endless pain that he was so tormented by his shadow self.
I wish I knew what happened to make everything suddenly so impossible for him.
Maris was a good, true, pure spirit, whose being was filled with light; so it makes sense that the forces of darkness would rise up in a major attack against him. Most of us are safe from this kind of attack, because we are so comfortable with our own darkness.
I was painfully shy as a child, perhaps he inherited this unfortunate chromosome from me.
I understand there is a difference between shyness and social phobia. I know a lot of shy people who are sweet, kind, and gentle. They like people, it's just that they are shy and do not like to be in the spotlight.
I was not one of them. I tended to avoid interacting with people at all costs....like crossing the street to avoid a cluster of people..., because my shyness was painful to me; and I did not like to be around people if I did not have to.
Mom used to get in my face about it, and tell me i was cold and unkind to people. I did not see it that way. But i used to pray to God every night to make me a good person, anyway.
After a few years of this kind of praying, I just began to think I was misanthropic or just plain evil.
I wonder if Maris felt this way, too.
I was fairly compliant, eager to please Mom, and wanted her spproval. So I let her put me into situations that made me extremly uncomfortable.
Eventually I learned how to imitate kids at school who were extroverted, or OK in social settings, or who really did like people.
Some of them saw through me...like Susan Parenti, who told me I was trying to be an extrovert when I was not an extrovert. She signed my yearbook "From the Loud Noise to the Quiet Music." It was very healing to be around people like Susan, who had no expectations of me, and who really did want me to be myself, and who saw some faint sparks of worthiness in me.
Eventually I sort of got over the debilitating shyness....although it is a never-ending process.
I still can't figure people out, and it is such a relief to not have to deal with them. I would rather spend my free time in nature or with a good book or with my hobbies.
i learned to role play and pretend. It made me feel dishonest...but at least I could hold down a job and support myself. I feel so sad that Maris had to go through this...or worse.
Maybe i am just more accepting of my dark side than Maris was. I am infinitely more evil than he ever was.
I feel so bad that he thought he was evil, or that his thoughts were evil. He was a kind and true soul, and it causes me endless pain that he was so tormented by his shadow self.
I wish I knew what happened to make everything suddenly so impossible for him.
Maris was a good, true, pure spirit, whose being was filled with light; so it makes sense that the forces of darkness would rise up in a major attack against him. Most of us are safe from this kind of attack, because we are so comfortable with our own darkness.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
It's A Wonderful Life
On Olivia's last day in Chicago, she wanted to see an iplifting movie. Nothing scary or Halloweenish.
So we chose It's a Wonderful Life, one of the most uplifting movies ever made.
Little did we know that Maris had left this world only a few hours before. If obnly he had watched this movie the day before, everything could have been different.
How could our dearest Maris not know what a wonderful life he had? How much he was valued and loved and treasured? what an important difference he made to our family and to the world?
We knew....yet we did not show it enough.
when we chose that movie, how could we not know Maris was gone?
We stopped at Starbucks to buy coffee for breakfast, and that is when I got the phone call telling me the air force was waiting for me at home. I ran out of the store without the coffee, my heart pounding painfully. If Olivia had not been praying aloud the whole time we could not have gotten home without incident.
How could we not have known?
What kind of abyss...what kind of evil spell was I living under my whole life?
St. Michael
St. Michael the Archangel is the patron saint of people in the military and law enforcement.
Maris's middle name is "Michael." It is also Alek's middle name.
There is a battle raging between the forces of light and darkness. Law enforcement needs to be renewed and infused with light. Our military is stretched thin, and needs a millionfold reinforcements. Please pray to St. Michael,. we need his help and protection.
Prayer To St. Michael
Saint Michael the Archangel,
defend us in battle.
Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil.
May God rebuke him, we humbly pray;
and do Thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host -
by the Divine Power of God -
cast into hell, satan and all the evil spirits,
who roam throughout the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen.
(Pope Leo XIII)
and here is the long version:
“O Glorious Prince of the heavenly host, St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in the battle and in the terrible warfare that we are waging against the principalities and powers, against the rulers of this world of darkness, against the evil spirits. Come to the aid of man, whom Almighty God created immortal, made in His own image and likeness, and redeemed at a great price from the tyranny of Satan.
“These most crafty enemies have filled and inebriated with gall and bitterness the Church, the spouse of the immaculate Lamb, and have laid impious hands on her most sacred possessions. In the Holy Place itself, where the See of Holy Peter and the Chair of Truth has been set up as the light of the world, they have raised the throne of their abominable impiety, with the iniquitous design that when the Pastor has been struck, the sheep may be.
“Arise then, O invincible Prince, bring help against the attacks of the lost spirits to the people of God, and give them the victory. They venerate thee as their protector and patron; in thee holy Church glories as her defense against the malicious power of hell; to thee has God entrusted the souls of men to be established in heavenly beatitude. Oh, pray to the God of peace that He may put Satan under our feet, so far conquered that he may no longer be able to hold men in captivity and harm the Church. Offer our prayers in the sight of the Most High, so that they may quickly find mercy in the sight of the Lord; and vanquishing the dragon, the ancient serpent, who is the devil and Satan, do thou again make him captive in the abyss, that he may no longer seduce the nations. Amen.
V. Behold the Cross of the Lord; be scattered ye hostile powers.O God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, we call upon Thy holy Name, and as supplicants, we implore Thy clemency, that by the intercession of Mary, ever Virgin Immaculate and our Mother, and of the glorious St. Michael the Archangel, Thou wouldst deign to help us against Satan and all the other unclean spirits who wander about the world for the injury of the human race and the ruin of souls. Amen.”
R. The Lion of the tribe of Judah has conquered the root of David.
V. Let Thy mercies be upon us, O Lord.
R. As we have hoped in Thee.
V. O Lord, hear my prayer.
R. And let my cry come unto Thee.
Let us pray.
London: Burnes, Oates & Washbourne Ltd., 1935, 12th edition.
Texts
sent phone messages:
October 26, 2009
1:14 Bye
1:13 Airport
1:12 I am not at my house
1:08 You are all good friends. I hope you all live good lives.
October 25,2009
11:22 pm I dont hate you, I would never hate you
10:55 pm no please dont
10:39 pm i am sorry, i am back at my place
10:33 pm I am fine, do not worry please
9:46 pm i have made a fool of myself now, i am sorry, I dont like my thoughts I am sorry
9:40 pm That is not true, you're the person i most want to see
9:28 pm i just hate my mind and how i think and my current life, im better off alone and out of peoples way
9:20 pm i just gotta hang out by myself for a little and think about my life, im sorry for leaving
9:16 pm Nothin
Received phone messages:
1:15 am October 26: Do you need somewhere to go? you can come to my room and go to sleep with me.
1:14 am Why?
1:13 am Where are you?
October 26, 2009
1:14 Bye
1:13 Airport
1:12 I am not at my house
1:08 You are all good friends. I hope you all live good lives.
October 25,2009
11:22 pm I dont hate you, I would never hate you
10:55 pm no please dont
10:39 pm i am sorry, i am back at my place
10:33 pm I am fine, do not worry please
9:46 pm i have made a fool of myself now, i am sorry, I dont like my thoughts I am sorry
9:40 pm That is not true, you're the person i most want to see
9:28 pm i just hate my mind and how i think and my current life, im better off alone and out of peoples way
9:20 pm i just gotta hang out by myself for a little and think about my life, im sorry for leaving
9:16 pm Nothin
Received phone messages:
1:15 am October 26: Do you need somewhere to go? you can come to my room and go to sleep with me.
1:14 am Why?
1:13 am Where are you?
Final message received by our family
Unfortunately can't find it in the phone any more. It was sent to Philip at 1:30 am Chicago time, which means around 8:30 am HI time:
"Little Brother, little brother, have you interviewed the whole city yet?"
Philip had gone to bed at midnight. He did not hear the phone.
"Little Brother, little brother, have you interviewed the whole city yet?"
Philip had gone to bed at midnight. He did not hear the phone.
Final Text Message Sent
Bye
sent October 26, 1:14 am
it was 5:14 am here in Chicago.
was I awake? why did I not know what was happening in Hawaii? Why did I not know?
In the immortal words of Holden Caulfiend: "sleep tight, ya morons!" (Catcher In The Rye, J. D. Salinger)
sent October 26, 1:14 am
it was 5:14 am here in Chicago.
was I awake? why did I not know what was happening in Hawaii? Why did I not know?
In the immortal words of Holden Caulfiend: "sleep tight, ya morons!" (Catcher In The Rye, J. D. Salinger)
Monday, December 7, 2009
Remember Pearl Harbor
Pearl Harbor is near Hickam Air Force Base. The attack on Pearl Harbor took place on December 7, 1941.
In these pictures we took at Hickam you can see the bullet holes from the attack.
Click on each picture to enlarge it and see it full size.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Dulce Domum
Dulce Domum is the funeral rite of the Fellowship of Isis. We used the Oracle from this liturgy at the services at the funeral home on November 3. We also did a memorial service using the full Dulce Domum at home on November 14 when Maris's ashes came home
Thursday, December 3, 2009
All Shall Be Well...
my dear friend Therese sent me this prayer by Julian of Norwich:
All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well.
(But Jesus, who in this Vision informed me of all that is needful to me, answered by this word and said: It behoved that there should be sin; but all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well. )
Agony; Anguish
more words that apply to my condition these days....
ag·o·ny:
1. The suffering of intense physical or mental pain.
2. The struggle that precedes death.
3. A sudden or intense emotion: an agony of doubt.
4. A violent, intense struggle.
an·guish:
Agonizing physical or mental pain; torment. Synonym: regret.
ag·o·ny:
1. The suffering of intense physical or mental pain.
2. The struggle that precedes death.
3. A sudden or intense emotion: an agony of doubt.
4. A violent, intense struggle.
an·guish:
Agonizing physical or mental pain; torment. Synonym: regret.
Flower and Gem Remedies
I could have sent him Chestnut Bud to help with the anguish...I could have sent Mustard to help with the gloom....I could have sent Cherry Plum to help with the fear of loss of control and the mind giving way...I could have sent Gorse for hopelessness and despair...I could have sent Mimulus for social phobia...I could have sent Rescue Remedy....
I could have sent a piece of Black Tourmaline.
Why didn't I?
What is wrong with me?
Why didn't I know?
I could have sent a piece of Black Tourmaline.
Why didn't I?
What is wrong with me?
Why didn't I know?
Time and Excuses
Never, never, never take anything for granted. Call the people you love NOW, even if you are tired and not thinking straight. You might not get another chance. Let them know you love them and are thinking about them. Do not worry about waking them up. Do not worry if it is a very short conversation. Just call them. And be sure to tell them you love them.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Definitions
Horror = A painful emotion of fear, dread, and abhorrence; a shuddering with terror and detestation; the feeling inspired by something frightful and shocking.
Disbelief = incredulity; doubt about the truth of something; unpreparedness, unwillingness, or inability to believe that something is the case; astonishment.
Shock = daze; the feeling of distress and disbelief that you have when something bad happens accidentally; strike with horror or terror; a sudden jarring impact; inflict a trauma upon.
These are the main feelings I experience these days.
Disbelief = incredulity; doubt about the truth of something; unpreparedness, unwillingness, or inability to believe that something is the case; astonishment.
Shock = daze; the feeling of distress and disbelief that you have when something bad happens accidentally; strike with horror or terror; a sudden jarring impact; inflict a trauma upon.
These are the main feelings I experience these days.
Black Holes
On and off for several months, I have been thinking a lot about Black Holes. I wonder if Maris was thinking about them, too.
I think my psyche was more connected to Maris than I realized. I wish I had realized that sooner, and that these thoughts were not originating within myself.
We have both gone into a metaphysical Black Hole. Sometimes I feel as if I AM a Black Hole.
I have fallen into a Black Hole and gone into another universe. This is NOT the universe I thought I knew.
Will we ever come out?
I think my psyche was more connected to Maris than I realized. I wish I had realized that sooner, and that these thoughts were not originating within myself.
We have both gone into a metaphysical Black Hole. Sometimes I feel as if I AM a Black Hole.
I have fallen into a Black Hole and gone into another universe. This is NOT the universe I thought I knew.
Will we ever come out?
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Seven-Fold Blessing
This benediction was performed at the cemetery, before military honors:
The Seven-Fold BlessingPriest/ess [Anna, Kiel or Demetria]:
We will now bless and purify this space with four sacred herbs: sage, sweetgrass, cedar and bear root.
Caller of East[Joan]:
May this sacred smoke cleanse and free Maris’s mind. May he enter Heaven in peace and freedom. [Caller walks clockwise around casket smudging with sage.]
Caller of South [Demetria]:
May this sacred smoke cleanse and free Maris’s spirit. May he enter Heaven in peace and freedom. [Caller walks clockwise around casket smudging with sweetgrass .]
Caller of West [Kiel]:
May this sacred smoke cleanse and free Maris’s soul. May he enter Heaven in peace and freedom. [Caller walks clockwise around casket smudging with .]
Caller of North [Anna]:
May this sacred smoke cleanse and free Maris’s body. May he enter Heaven in peace and freedom. [Caller walks clockwise around casket smudging with .]
Priest/ess [Ann, Kiel or Demetria]:
GREAT SPIRIT, OUR CREATOR, You give us the gift of life and the grace to praise you. Open our hearts that we may welcome your Spirit anew in our life. Teach us your wisdom and pour into us your gifts of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control.
Caller of East [Joan]:
We look to the EAST, the place where the new Sun rises each morning. This is the direction of hope and of new beginnings. Look down on us from the East, Creator, and pour your Spirit upon us so that we may renew our lives. Almighty God, fill and surround the soul of Maris with the Light of Wisdom and Truth.
Caller of South [Demetria]:
We look to the SOUTH, the place from where the warm winds come. This is the direction of good friends who help us walk on the Good road of life. Look down on us from the South, Creator, and pour your Spirit of happiness and friendship throughout our life. Teach us the lesson of Generosity that we may serve one another. Almighty God, fill and surround the soul of Maris with Healing.
Caller of West [Kiel]:
We look to the WEST, the place where the Sun sets as the day fades. This is the direction of changes, of growing and dying. Look down on us from the West, Creator, and give us the strength to face the great mysteries of life and death. Transform our hearts with the gift of Your Spirit so that we may be renewed in Your Great Spirit. Almighty God, fill and surround the soul of Maris with Love.
Caller of North [Anna]:
We look to the NORTH, the place from where the cold, harsh winds of winter come. This is the direction of hard times and painful moments that test us. Look down upon us from the North, Creator, and help us to walk in a sacred manner even when times are hard. Give us the spirit of courage to stand up to the pains of life while we hope in the resurrection. Almighty God, fill and surround the soul of Maris with Protection.
Caller of Sky [Kiel]:
We look to the SKY, the home of the eagle. This is the place of clear vision that helps us to see far and understand the meaning of things. Look upon us from the sky-world, Creator, and teach us to rise above those weaknesses that keep us from the good path of life. Renew your Spirit in us. Almighty God, may Maris be a shining star in the Heavens; may he be embraced by our ancestors and the angels.
Caller of Earth [Anna or Demetria]:
We bend down to touch the EARTH, the place from which we come, our Mother who gives us everything we need to survive. Look upon us from all the living things of the earth, Creator, and teach us to remember the great lesson that we are related. Give us the gift of strength to walk gently in harmony with all of life. Almighty God, may Maris carry with him all the good and happy memories of his life on this Earth.
Priest/ess [Joan]:
GREAT SPIRIT, of all directions, we thank You for giving us Your own Spirit to transform our hearts. Unite us with all the nations of the world so that together we may create a new world guided by Your Spirit. Almighty God, may we all be reunited with Maris one day in a world of peace. within that timeless unity that is the heart of God.
Navajo Prayer For Healing
Navajo Prayer for Healing
[Participants please repeat, “May he walk in beauty”,
after leader reads each line]
In the house made of dawn.
In the story made of dawn.
On the trail of dawn.
O God, it is begun in beauty.
His feet, my feet, restore.
His limbs, my limbs, restore.
His body, my body, restore.
His mind, my mind, restore.
His voice, my voice, restore.
His heart, my heart, restore.
We walk with beauty before us.
We walk with beauty behind us.
We walk with beauty above us.
We walk with beauty below us.
We walk with beauty around us.
We walk with beautiful voices.
In beauty we walk all day.
In beauty we walk through returning seasons.
In the house of evening light.
From the story made of evening light.
On the trail of evening light
O God, it is finished in beauty.
[Participants please repeat, “May he walk in beauty”,
after leader reads each line]
In the house made of dawn.
In the story made of dawn.
On the trail of dawn.
O God, it is begun in beauty.
His feet, my feet, restore.
His limbs, my limbs, restore.
His body, my body, restore.
His mind, my mind, restore.
His voice, my voice, restore.
His heart, my heart, restore.
We walk with beauty before us.
We walk with beauty behind us.
We walk with beauty above us.
We walk with beauty below us.
We walk with beauty around us.
We walk with beautiful voices.
In beauty we walk all day.
In beauty we walk through returning seasons.
In the house of evening light.
From the story made of evening light.
On the trail of evening light
O God, it is finished in beauty.
Prayers For Difficult Times
I have found comfort in these anthroposophical prayers of The Christian Community.
Please pray for Maris:
Please pray for Maris:
For The Many Who Have Died
The Good Shepherd lead them
Where they are transformed
That they may breathe
The air of eternal Being.
Where they work as soul
For worlds to come
The grace of the Spirit
Unite us with them.
adapted from Adam Bittleston
*Adam Bittleston, Meditative Prayers for Today, Floris Books
and please pray for us who are left behind:
Short Intercession
(for those who mourn)
May the Good Shepherd lead us
Into peace of heart
Into hopeful thinking,
Into patient strength of will;
Health of body,
Harmony of soul,
Clarity of spirit,
Now, and in the time to come.
Adam Bittleston
Immortality
The Christian Community embraces life, death, and everything in between. This extends to Immortality and Pre-Existence.
I like their Thoughts On Life and Death.
Rudolf Steiner inspired the founding of The Christian Community.
I like their Thoughts On Life and Death.
Rudolf Steiner inspired the founding of The Christian Community.
The Sea of Grief
Grief is like the ocean. It keeps coming in waves.
Sometimes the waves are continuous and gentle, and they are just part of me but not really noticeable. Other times they are large and powerful and very insistent. But they are always there.
I notice that if I am distracted by mundane things, and not aware of the grief for a while, it is almost as if the grief had been dammed up for a period of time; because when I become aware of it again, it comes at me in a really big wave, all at once.
For this reason, I need to find ways of letting grief pour through me continually. Because the little waves are easier to deal with than the big ones.
The Latin word "maris" means "of the sea."
Everything reminds me of Maris.
Sometimes the waves are continuous and gentle, and they are just part of me but not really noticeable. Other times they are large and powerful and very insistent. But they are always there.
I notice that if I am distracted by mundane things, and not aware of the grief for a while, it is almost as if the grief had been dammed up for a period of time; because when I become aware of it again, it comes at me in a really big wave, all at once.
For this reason, I need to find ways of letting grief pour through me continually. Because the little waves are easier to deal with than the big ones.
The Latin word "maris" means "of the sea."
Everything reminds me of Maris.
Monday, November 30, 2009
One Third of My Light is Gone
"And the fourth angel sounded the trumpet: and the third part of the sun was smitten, and the third part of the moon, and the third part of the stars, so that the third part of them was darkened. And the day did not shine for a third part of it: and the night in like manner." (Rev.8:12)
I have three sons. One of them is in the spirit world.
On October 26, 2009. one third of the light in my sky went away.
I have three sons. One of them is in the spirit world.
On October 26, 2009. one third of the light in my sky went away.
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Maris Michael Butta, Senior Airman, son of Raymond and Deena, nee Weglarz; brother of Alexander and Philip Butta. A 2006 graduate of Gordon Tech High School, Maris was a member of the 8th Intel squadron in the U.S. Air Force at Hickam Air Force Base in Hawaii. He was decorated with the Air Force Achievement Medal and earned the following awards: Air Force Organizational Excellence Award, the Air Force Good Conduct Medal, the National Defense Service Medal, the Global War on Terror Service Medal and the Air Force Training Ribbon. In lieu of flowers, memorial donation to the Wounded Warrior Project, 7020 A.C. Skinner Pkwy., Suite 100, Jacksonville, FL 32256. Visitation Monday, 3 to 9 p.m., and Tuesday, 9 a.m., until time of service, 10 a.m., at Smith-Corcoran Funeral Home, 6150 N. Cicero Ave., Chicago. Interment St. Adalbert Cemetery. 
