Social Phobia

Maris was diagnosed with Social Phobia a few years ago. Did it get out of control? He did an amazing number of things in spite of it, if that is the case. I wonder if he just couldn't stand it any more?

I was painfully shy as a child, perhaps he inherited this unfortunate chromosome from me.

I understand there is a difference between shyness and social phobia. I know a lot of shy people who are sweet, kind, and gentle. They like people, it's just that they are shy and do not like to be in the spotlight.

I was not one of them. I tended to avoid interacting with people at all costs....like crossing the street to avoid a cluster of people..., because my shyness was painful to me; and I did not like to be around people if I did not have to.

Mom used to get in my face about it, and tell me i was cold and unkind to people. I did not see it that way. But i used to pray to God every night to make me a good person, anyway.

After a few years of this kind of praying, I just began to think I was misanthropic or just plain evil.

I wonder if Maris felt this way, too.

I was fairly compliant, eager to please Mom, and wanted her spproval. So I let her put me into situations that made me extremly uncomfortable.

Eventually I learned how to imitate kids at school who were extroverted, or OK in social settings, or who really did like people.

Some of them saw through me...like Susan Parenti, who told me I was trying to be an extrovert when I was not an extrovert. She signed my yearbook "From the Loud Noise to the Quiet Music." It was very healing to be around people like Susan, who had no expectations of me, and who really did want me to be myself, and who saw some faint sparks of worthiness in me.

Eventually I sort of got over the debilitating shyness....although it is a never-ending process.

I still can't figure people out, and it is such a relief to not have to deal with them. I would rather spend my free time in nature or with a good book or with my hobbies.

i learned to role play and pretend. It made me feel dishonest...but at least I could hold down a job and support myself. I feel so sad that Maris had to go through this...or worse.

Maybe i am just more accepting of my dark side than Maris was. I am infinitely more evil than he ever was.

I feel so bad that he thought he was evil, or that his thoughts were evil. He was a kind and true soul, and it causes me endless pain that he was so tormented by his shadow self.

I wish I knew what happened to make everything suddenly so impossible for him.

Maris was a good, true, pure spirit, whose being was filled with light; so it makes sense that the forces of darkness would rise up in a major attack against him. Most of us are safe from this kind of attack, because we are so comfortable with our own darkness.